A wide open life....

but not a life trapped in my apartment. First day after the colonoscopy. Very tired this morning. Did not eat well for lunch. Now I wait for the Yankee game ( double header with the Phils) at 4:15. But what does the future hold?

The tests continue---a cat scan of my stomach, to determine what to do with the growth they found yesterday, will happen soon. Then we will see. But I want to move out. There is a protest this afternoon at

6 in Flatbush. Would love to be there---but I don't think I feel strong enough to make it. The next one is Saturday afternoon at 3, also beginning in Flatbush, and moving through Crown Heights. That one I hope to make, at least at the beginning and then maybe walk a little ways on the march. Oh how things have changed? Remember last summer? I walked everywhere. Myrtle Ave from Downtown to Broadway. Broadway from Myrtle to the Junction. Walks from Molasses book store into the eastern part of Bed-Stuy. Stuyvesant Street from Broadway to Fulton Street. And many others. I look forward to taking these walks or similar ones soon, but can I really do it? Is it my stomach and its disorders that limit me from too much acitivity, the early rising and out of the house to the Grocery Store at 5:30, which puts stress on my body as the afternoon comes around, the lack of iron (which I should correct)? We will see---my planning for my colonoscopy happily over, all choices have, at least in theory opened up to me. Its still a long summer.

  Yesterday, after the procedure, just hung around the apartment, faced with many interesting books, but did not pick up any of them---radio---on and off the computer, that was it. Could not stop thinking about

"the journey" that is the last two days with its prep and the procedure itself. Looking back on my resistance in the past (very strong resistance) I ask myself were those fantasies that blocked my commitment, those memories of sadness that I thought would overwhelm me the day before, the rage at having my "autonomy taken away" valid or just silly. I think valid---for some reason at those times I

really felt it was impossible to do the colonoscopy. Now, I am amazed at how simple a procedure it was, also how nice it was to be treated warmly by the five or six professionals, in addition to the head doctor, who were in the room.

  Tomorrow is Thursday---just a few minor errands to begin with--what after that? Don't have to "do anything", but what does that mean. Can I break out of this pattern--so helpful to me while I awaited

the colonoscopy, but which seems to offer me little right now? We will see.