Sunday morning---"Oh Endless Night!"

 That quote from Tamino, the hero of Mozart's The Magic Flute, on his journey  to find a woman he has fallen in love with, and who at that moment in the opera he is searching for, seems to be blocked.  It is a moment where the music captures the  sensitivity of the Prince, but also his hunger for resolution.  For me, the "endless night" began when I woke up this morning. Another day mostly in the apartment---the next week a continuum of that---trying to find excitement from the classical music I listen to, what I read, the football games I am betting on (three today) and maybe a good conversation or two with a friend. But the "sameness" of all of that just got to me. On top of that my one tutoree is asking me to help her with statistics problems. I can help her with some of them but others are way over my head.   --her teacher, for some bizarre reason insists that she complete this work to pass. Absurd, since these are very advanced questions.

What else? Well, yesterday i listened to most of the Met's Broadcast of The Magic Flute--still find the music and Mozart's setting of the drama through music amazing. Can it really be almost 54 -years ago that I attended the opening night of the Met's then new production---in German, had the Chagall paintings for scenery, and was directed by Gunther Rennert. What I rememeber most about that performance was Herman Prey's singing of Papageno's aria (really a song) called Ein Maidchen Oder Weibchen (probably spelled it wrong)---very simple, but he got an enormous hand afterwards. Early  1967---what a different time for me! Really searching for some artistic and personal meaning in my life. Lived on Irving Place between 18th and 19th---a studio very similar to the one I live in now. Working on an acting scene with Gilbert Price, working each night from 6 to 10 at the 33rd street Post Office sorting mail, spending the weekdays at home, and going to the Met or City opera on weekends. That part of my life finally ended in July of 67 when i began work as a social worker for Riverdale Children's Association and was able to quit the Post Office. I was glad for the change---I wanted to have a social life in the evenings and finally admitted to myself that the lifestyle of being an aspiring actor, something that I had dreamed about for years,  was not going  towork for me. What else...? The beginning of my relationship with my friend Fred, which would last for another 30 years, and reading Malamud's The Fixer--other books too, but the memory of that book, or actually the memory of reading that book in my apartment before going to work, remains with me. No dating---that was one of the reasons that I was happy to get the job at Riverdale,  So I emerged from the "dark" world of the postoffice into the "light" of day at 79th and 5th Avenue---that is where the offices of Riverdale were situated--and moved into the next chapter of my life.

Enough memory! Time to return to the present. Read a little---listen to some football predictions on the radio, and get ready to follow the two games I have bet on that begin at 1:00. Wish me luck!

storm coming...

 so the weather people say in a couple of hours. My window broke about three weeks ago now are being held together by very strong tape. Strong enough? I should make some alternate plans, but I have not. My next door neighbor will let me sleep on his couch in an emergency, but I am not sure that he is even home.  Taking a risk...but let it happen. 

Christmas Eve last year...do you remember? I went to Carnegie Hall to watch Jaime Laredo conduct his amazing youth symphony in an all Mozart program. The Marriage of Figaro Overture, followed by Violin Concerto number 4 (very beautiful) and then after intermission, the Jupiter Symphony, Mozart's last symphony. The violin concertos are very similar to the piano concertos, most of which he wrote later---they have very vigourous and full first movements followed by incredibly warm and sensitve second movements, and then the end. Mozart wrote all of them (there are 5) very early in his career, then never returned to them. Yes, thatwas a different time for all of us.

Christmas day was usually a slow day for me. Somehow I can't remember how I spent last year---but two years ago, Christmas day is very vivid in my mind. First, a movie at the Quad---beginning at 11:00 A.M., a movie about the first Jews to settle in Miami Beach---then off to Brooklyn to Franklin Avenue and Fulton Street, then the bus that leaves Franklin and Fulton and heads south---just a sightseeing trip to pass the time. The bus winds its way through Crown Heights until it reaches Ocean Avenue, where it remains for most of its trip. I get off at Church Avenue, then walk west until I reach the F train station, then F train home---but wait! All that travel and the day is not finished yet. Time for another movie, this time at the movie theater at Lincoln Center (oh how I hope it opens again soon) to watch a movie that is part of a Jacque Tourneur retrospective---he was a very active director in the late forties and early fifties---most of his movies were second features of double features (that is the way movies were shown then) but had an inventiveness and skill that transcended the material.  I don't remember the name of the movie that night---it was made around 1947, and was about American, British and French diplomates putting together the ruins of Berlin. Not great as a movie---the British diplomat was played by Robert Coote---who later created the role of Colonel Pickering in the original My Fair Lady===ironically the Lincoln Center theater revival of that musical was having a performance as I watched the movie. Great irony---at least for me. Finally, the day was done---the Tourneur retrospective lasted about two weeks more, but that was the last movie in the group that I saw. I had seen two earlier---cowboy movies--good guys against bad guys with the good guys always winning---and I had enjoyed them, but did not want to go any further.  So much for that day.

Tomorrow, more time in the apartment internet surfing and (hopefully) reading until 4:30 when the Saints-Viking football game begins. Then following every play, and hoping that the Saints win by more then 7. More of the same Saturday, when there are three football games being played, but hopefully I can get out a bit as well. It is going to be cold (very warm now) but I will need some variety. Let's see what happens, will report soon.

Now it is Saturday afternoon....

 I am in transition. This morning I watched a performance of Beethoven's String Quartet opus 18, number 5. A beautiful third movement--a theme and variations that is incredibly rich and inventive--and this was Beethoven's "young" period. I want to hear more of his chamber music; Lincoln Center's Chamber Music Society is streaming a whole bunch of them. I can be transfixed by that music very easily. Then an hour ago, I heard the first forty minutes of a Met production of Hansel and Gretel by Humperdinck--there is some beautiful music in it, but I had to turn it off. Then I sat---just sat---allowed myself to be "vacant", that is not to absorb any music, or literature or whatever. Sometimes it just gets that way. One simply wants to "stop!" and not take anything in. That was where I was right before I walked over to the computer and began this blog segment.

Most of the late afternoon will be devoted to listening to the Denver-Buffalo football game. Yes, I am betting that Buffalo will be triumphant, continuing its march to the playoffs and first place in its division. Foe me to have my money doubled, they have to win by 6,  The evaluators who write on NFL dot com say that Denver is much improved in the last two weeks, nevertheless, I think the Bills cam beat them by  7 points or more. So I made the bet ($5.00eme). Game begins at 4:30. In the "old days" I could go to Standings, my sports bar in the East Village, have one beer and watch the whole game (and possibly have some good conversation as well), but of course, that can't happen now. Will Standings even reopen when the pandemic is over?  Don't know.

And so we come to the end of this entry. Still reading Jones' The Wars of the Roses; a little blocked but will continue---and have many essays to read in Emma Smith's take on Shakespeare's plays. (Have not read her essays on "the biggies"---that is Hamlet, Macbeth and Lear---saving that for the end?). Other books surround my bed as well---maybe a Faulkner novel to keep me busy for Christmas---well, we will see, should report soon.

all alone

 as the snow closes in.  Has it begun? Yes  it has---I can see it outside my window. That means I am just here for a while. With the computer and books, lots of choices--an all day Beethoven chamber music festival, or some Met old broadcasts or---actually I think I would really like to get back to The Wars of the Roses---Dan Jones' history is clearest of all the ones I have read on the subject. Also I have Emma Smith's Shakespeare book. I have only read one of her critiques---on Much Ado About Nothing. She centers her vision on the male bonding in the play, and how that basically eliminates the women. Reads well, good points. In this book she critiques about twenty of Shakespeare's plays---should check out one or more, soon.

I have just watched the first act of Lohengrin, as it was performed at the Met in 1986. I am amazed at the grandeur and energy of Wagner's music. I have not thought about this opera for a long time. Still, watching it brought back two memories, one from 66 and the other from May of 67. The first was being at the opening night of the Met's new production of then opera in December of 66. It was directed by Wieland Wagner, the composer's grand son, who at that time was artistic director of the Bayreuth festival and was known for his spare, light driven stagings---stripped down so that the contact between the individual characters was pushed forward on the stage. Line readings were really important. The production had a center where all the action took place, surrounded by what looked like stadium seating where the chorus sang from. The chorus never moved. I liked the production---other then placing the chorus the way he did, it was pretty straightforward. Ironically enough, Wieland had died in October of that year---the opera was staged by one of his assistants--it was, to my knowledge, the only production of his that was staged in America. He was only in his late forties when he died--a really sad loss for the world of opera and for someone like me, who was fascinated by  his directing choices.

Late 1966 was not a great time for me. I had left my job with the Department of Welfare, and was trying to figure out my next move. I left because I thought I was ready to audition full time as an actor---but by December I realized that this life style did not work for me. Too many empty days---not enough structure---some part time jobs that were silly or demeaning. It was a great idea---but it just did not work. A few weeks later I became a part time worker at the Post Office--yes, believe it or not, a "great scholar" like myself reduced to sorting mail for a living. But I did not want to be supported by my parents while I looked for acting work (they would have done it---up to a point) so there it was. And it remained so for the rest of the winter and spring. I worked usually from 6 to 10, Monday through Friday--Saturdays I usually saw one or two operas at the Met or City Opera---Sunday morning I stood on line at the Met to get my standing room tickets to whatever opera I wanted to see five weeks from the time. That was how tickets were sold that year; the first at the new house; Standing Room tickets were in great demand, so it was necessary to line up hours before they went on sale at 12 P.M. Sunday. It was quite an experience---the standees who came back week after week were divided into several cliques that never talked to each other. Oh, and there was a roll call at 5A.M., Sunday morning. More on that some other time.

The other time was early May of 67. I was listening to Lohengrin at the Donell Library---very moved by the plight of the heroine of the opera Elsa. In Wagner's creation she is incredibly vulnerable---it is all in the music. I was thinking of J---a senior at Goucher college, who I had become close with my senior year at Hopkins (her freshman). Our relationship should have ended when I left---but it dragged on---or shouldI say I dragged it on. She had a boyfriend but our conversations that year (63-64) were so intense---she seemed so into my talent as a theater artist--well, I could not let go. I had written her a letter asking to visit her at Goucher  one last time---I waited for the answer, It came---a really vicious rebuke---the rage in the letter seemed almost unworldly. Of course, I did the right thing and did not go down. That was the end of our relationship---our paths crossed once as adults---nothing happened. Lohengrin brought back the memory of sitting in the library, thinking of her, linking her to Elsa's sensitivity and waiting.

53 years later (actually 53 years and six months) I am still stunned when I remember the vitriol in that letter--then remember some of the closeness we experienced three years earlier. One tries to put the memories together. Tenderness and vitriol. But since then I have experienced so much, it is fairly easy to put even memories like that in perspective. When this writing is over, I return to my private self--figure out what to read---work on just getting through this snowy night. J, like so many others, simply becomes a figure in a carpet, Who is she now? Does it matter..?  I need to return to my immediate life---finished!

Saturday afternoon....right after listenting to Fidelio...

 a broadcast from 2017 (Oh happy time!); a Saturday matinee--I actually attended the performance before that, a few days earlier. A terrific performance---what an opera! There is so much heart and passion in it, that I almost feel we are lucky that Beethoven never wrote another opera. Fidelio is enough to consider and think about.

Fidelio---memories. The first performance of Fidelio that I attended was in January of 66; the last year at the old house. I sat in the first row of the side of the Family Circle, and I had a date: Irene, a scene partner from my acting class. It was a nice afternoon for us---later we went back to my apartment to rehearse and-----but that was only part of it. The other part was discovering the opera. Experiencing for the first time the power of the first scene of the second act. Then to top off the triumph of Leanore and Florestan as they leave the prison cell, where she has just saved him, the curtain fell and the orchestra played the Leonore Overture Number 3---an affirmation of the triumph that the audience has just been witness to. The Overture is no longer played in productions---it ended at the Met when Rudolph Bing retired---playing the Overture was obviously part of his vision. But someone seeing Fidelio for the first time---well it was breathtaking! Birgit Nillsson was Leonore, James King the Florestan, and Karl Bohm, (I think) conducted. I have seen the opera at least 4 or 5 times since--but thiat afternoon in 66--it was like watching a cannon shot!

Well, Florestan is freed from prison, what about me? Am I "in prison", because of my situation. Today I felt really strong in the morning---and I did not sleep that much last night. But there is only one place in the neighborhood where one can go in, sit and read, and have coffee, and even that place, the nearby hotel, will be eliminated on Monday. Three really interesting books to read that I can't get enough of, still, I would love to be able to read them somewhere outside my apartment. I have friends with no illnesses who remain locked in their apartments---they won't take the risk---I wonder if my illness had never happened, would I be going out to Brooklyn to hang out on the open streets there? Is it possible that i could risk doing it now? I don't feel like risking anything with the bag. I suppose I just have to follow my instinct on a day by day basis.

Tonight the Met is Streaming the Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny, the Brecht-Weill opera that they presented in the late 70's I love that music---will try to hear it---and, at the same time, wqxr is presenting probably an all Beethoven concert, as they celebrate his 250th birthday. So some confict, yet the Beethoven will continue for the next few days. Finally a kind of immersion---I think that is great! Will report soon...

Wednesday early evening,,,,,

a nice sense of relaxation has come over me. It has been an interesting day. The highlight: picking up three of the books I requested that the library hold for me. There are seven books that are directly to the right of my bed, but somehow, I could not motivate myself to read any of them. So they sat there. Now these three books; already I have dove into them. Yes, I am excited that they are in my presence! Emma Smith's essays on about twenty of Shakespeare's plays;  The Purpose of Power, a dialogue with black writer Alicia Garza, and last but not least, The Wars of the Roses, by English historian, Dan Jones. Yes, I am familiar with those "wars", but reading about the twists and turns of the English crown from 1420 to 1485, always excites me. So there it is. I have already read two of Ms. Smith's essays: one on Richard II, and one on The Comedy of Errors. She makes some good points about the two plays---interesting that there are so many ways of looking at each individual Shakespeare play.  This afternoon I felt a little down after reading a little of each book---must I always be passive, instead of active, I thought, but this evening I am simply happy that they have and will add a little to my life---a life that---because of the pandemic and my illness---needs some adding to.

I had come to the library early---I thought they opened at 11, but today they opened at 12, so with a half hour to kill, I walked east past the Lincoln Center complex ( a ghost town now) and visited Target and Best Buy, a few blocks away. I had never been to a Target before---I did not realize how many things they had to sell---maybe I will return there for some inexpensive clothing. I visited Best Buy in search of an inexpensive television. Do I really want or need one? Especially with all the reading I have given myself. Still, if the city is going to shut down even more--which might mean no coffee at an indoor hotel lobby, which has become something that I enjoy---a tv might be good---at least I can watch some pro football and basketball on the free tv channels over the holiday. It's tempting and fairly reasonable for my careful budget. Well, we will take it day by day.

My brother  David, passed away last Friday--I have lots of thoughts and memories about him over the years. As time goes on, I will share them---right now let me just say that I am really happy that his memorial on facebook has received so many strong statements about just how wonderful a person and performer (let's not forget that) he was. We had great times together during my college and his high school years---going to plays and baseball games, waiting for any chorus or featured actor who had been in the original cast of West Side Story to leave the stage door of whatever musical he or she was in now, so we could talk to them. Exciting and meaningful times--I will always remember them. More as we go on---I will report soon.

Made my first move on the

 NYPL's  Grab and Go web site. It wasn't very difficult. Let's see how it plays out---maybe it will turn out more productive for me then I first T thought. And it should not be hard walking down to the library on 65th and Amsterdam, where hopefully, they will send the books. This happens at a time when financially I am a little stronger, because my state unemployment benefits for August finally kicked in. So I can buy a "greater than $1.00 book at the used book store, or, actually a fresh book at Barnes and Noble or Strand, a few blocks away. Still, getting the two books I ordered from the library is intriguing.  I wonder how long it will take until Iam notified that I can pick up one or both books.

The two books that I reserved actually have a lot in common--they both cover English history from about 1430 to 1620. The first is about a part of English history that I have read about before. It is called The Wars of the Roses---and it details the York-Lancaster feud  dominated English history between around 1420 until 1485, when Henry Tudor became king and unified the country. I have read at least one other non-fiction book about it, plus, the conflict was covered by Shakespeare in one his earliest trilogies---the Henry VI plays. These three plays, and their one play sequel---Richard III, have always fascinated me. I would love to read them now, but I actually feel that if I did, my mind would explode with possible productions in my head. Of course such productions, even on the most rudimentary level, are impossible now, but should the world of the theater return to its "pre pandemic normal", I still would be very conflicted about doing it. First of all, I "don't do theater anymore", that is, I only exist in the world of downtown and other theater as an observer. Would I be able to change that? And where would I do it?  Any open space would do---as far as getting actors, if the pre pandemic actor population still exists, it would not be difficult to find about twenty young actors who would want to take part in this. Something to think about, if nothing else. 

Oh yes, the second book on my reserve list is by a Shakespeare scbolar named Emma Smith, and in it she examines what must be about twenty of his plays. I am always interested in what Shakespeare scholars have to say about his various plays, known and not so well known---my favorite compilation of critiques of all the plays was written by a scholar named Tony Tanner---a really well thought out and sharp look at each of the 37 plays Shakespeare wrote. I would hope and expect Ms Smith's critiques to be just as interesting. Will they? We will see when the book arrives.

So my day continues, without much direction. I read yesterday on the web site of wqxr that for five days the station is immersing itself in the music of Beethoven, in honor of the 250th anniversary of his birth. Hopefully the programs will not shy away from the depth and profundity of much of his music, especially his chamber music work. I am still not sure how much I want to commit to following the programs, but it will be interesting to see what choices the station make. If they are strong ones, it should be a chance to hear some really profound music.

Where do we go from here.....

 Tuesday afternoon. Not much happening.  Completed all my tasks in the morning. Paying the month's rent; changing the ostomy bag---finished all that early, Then what? The week spreads out in front of me. Very few tasks---next doctor's appointment on Monday. It's all open. But in this environment what does that mean? Oh, how I would give anything to go to a public library and spend twenty or thirty minutes browsing or figuring out what book I wanted to borrow. But that offwon't happen any time soon. Still, there are six books sitting adjacent to my bed that interest me. But I have read none of them. Why? For some reason it is getting harder and harder to read in the apartment. I spend much more time at this computer.  The place 

where I can read, and read easily is in the coffee shop-lobby of the hotel on 77th and Broadway. But today they kept their window open and it was cold. Are there any other reading spaces that I shoud know about? Barnes and Noble has a few tables open in their nearby bookstore, but I find reading in that little coffee shop confining and depressing. So as of now---the hotel is the only one.

This afternoon---bookstore browsing. There are 4 bookstores within walking distance of my apartment, thank goodness, and even if I refuse to buy any book that excites me (staying on a tight budget) I can imagine what must be in those pages. Then I ask myself this question: "Can't I afford just one book that interests me and spend  between $13.00 and 30.00?"  The answer is always "no" Thank heaven for the used bookstore between 81st and 80st on Broadway. I have bought several books there for $1.00 that have really worked for me. This is a store that I avoided scrupulously when the library a block and a half was opened, but in a way, of course, this has become my library. "Grab and Go" does not work for me now, so every day I check out the used books selling for one dollar in the front of the store---and sometimes I find some very interesting stuff.

One book that sits innocently on the one dollar rack is Fear of Flying by Erica Jong. This was one of the hottest books of the early seventies---I can't believe that it has sat on the one dollar shelf for so long.  The  adventures of the novel's heroine, one Isadorra Wing, sum up the changes in the way women viewed and  lived sex that had taken place in the years leading up to the time of the novel. Married to a psychotherapist, but unhappily, Isadorra has several affairs during a convention, and lets the reader know about her deepest fantasies. It is actually a very well written novel---very sharp and clever---it was very big and well thought of 46 years ago. Yet there it lies in the $1.00 bin, untouched. Why? Perhaps I will buy it and give it as a present to my friend Sarah, who has been so helpful to me during the pandemic and illness. I think she would find this look into the past very interesting.

That's all for now, my search for meaning in this time continues. Will report soon.