up at around 3 in the morning.....

 don't want to go back to bed as yet---if at all---body stiff when I wake up, seems to want exercise at this point---but where does one go for exercise at 3 A. M.? Apartment is small---so here I sit at the computer---trying to pass the time, and consider what the next few days will be like. The chemo has made its mark---the strongest part of the day seems to be from the morning till early afternoon---one activity for the afternoon, then lethargy sets in. Yesterday a long awaited visit to two venues in Brooklyn, that were once---pre-pandemic, simply part of my normal activity. First time back at the Central library--Grand Army Plaza---checked it out---really not a great deal of change, but the lighting is warmer, and the bathrooms are less scary. I found an interesting book that explores several Shakespeare plays (not great insights so far, but evokes some meaningful thoughts about the plays for me) and a play called The Baltimore Waltz--an off Broadway success in the early nineties, that I never saw. Readng it I am a little put off. From the library to the Center for Fiction, about a mile north---previously I would have easily walked it, but yesterday took the subway. The Center is still a great place to stop and read---you can have coffee or not. Its almost where it was pre-pandemic---but less people moving through it---like other venues---a kind of ghostly quality that signifies its emptiness. Still, I was able to read for about an hour there---nothing like that on the upper west side. My body seemed to focus well, until I walked to the Nevins Street subway stop, then the lethargy set in. Would I make it back to the apartment..? Sure, but not with a lot of energy. Returned about 3:30---finished for the day. Stayed in except for some short shopping trips. It seems like my body has one burst of strength---then it tells me to stay home for the rest of the day. Will it continue like that...? I long to move around. We shall see.

Being home allowed me to complete the non-fiction book, The Invisible Child, by Andrea Edwards. Some of it is brutal--a picture of how disfunctional parents can make life very difficult for their children. The children themselves are forced to create a system to fight this chaos. But so many things are beyond their control The book follows Dasani, from birth to around age 18---actually the writer came in contact with her when she was 12---and the reader sees the different roles she is asked to play as she is growing up, especially during periods when her parents cease to function. A tough reading experience, but one that kept me going for all its 500 plus pages. Also two movies---Drive My Car--a Japanese movie about a theater actor-director coping with loss. Truly the best movie I have seen so far since the movie theaters re-opened post pandemic. The first one in which I felt I was not being manipulated or pushed at by the director. Really character driven. Then on Tuesday, Tik Tik Boom---a revelation---much better then I expected. Great direction from Lin Manuel---totally fluid and a screenplay that really built on and improved the original off Broadway material. Very full. The movie really demonstrates how deep and beautiful Larsen's music truly is. He was a great composer---but I think it takes time to realize that. Great to watch both movies on a big screen---so important to the experience of appreciating them. Other movies for the next few days...? Have to work it out.

Writing this has enabled me to kill some time---still at 3:40 a long way to go before I venture forth to buy my morning coffee (around 6), now what..? Laps around my small apartment...? I doubt it---but no sleep for now. New Year's Eve in two days. That is another world unto itself. How will I partiicipate in it? We will see....

the strangest Christmas ever.....

 Christmas eve morning---the whole world seems to be hanging on a thread. Lots of activity, in theaters and other places, while simultaneously, things are shutting down. Sad to hear about the play, Thoughts of a Colored Man---I had hoped to see it, though its prices were high. But just to have it stop dead like that, because of Covid--sad and startling. If I am going to see any plays at all, in the next two weeks, I want to see Slave Play, and Trouble in Mind. I hope they survive. And movies---well that too---there are enough of them to keep me occupied in the next ten days.

Why ten days? Because, as I write this, I have no more tutoring sessions until January 3. So ten days of unstructured time. Will see what my body allows me to do. This week, I had four tutoring sessions, one per day, but after the trip to 145 street and the session, not much more that I could do but return home and "chill". Body is satisfied with that. Now that the effort I put into the sessions is negated, and so is the trip, will I have some ability to move around the city?  Certainly I want to spend time in the new  Drama Book Store, and take advantage of their incredible vast library of plays. Center for Fiction in Brooklyn, by BAM? I used to live going to that place--pre pandemic. It would be nice to return---somewhat surreal---also to check out the Central Brooklyn Library at Grand Army Plaza and see all their new changes. No plans---just take it day by day.

Tomorrow is Christmas day---of course the city closes down on that day---but there are still movies. Even pre pandemic that was a tough day to get through. Also, reading a terrific book, Invisible Child, by Andrea Elliot, a non fiction study of a family living in poverty in a Fort Greene Shelter, and beyond. Brutal to understand what this family is dealing with on so many levels, a family with six children. Originally an article in the Times in 2013, the writer has expanded it---really a trip into the underclass of Brooklyn. I have just finished the first part---I think the pages to follow, actually follow the 12 year old at the heaIrt of the book into adult hood or at least show the reader her teen age years. Should be very interesting. 

In a few hours, the woman who cleans my apartment will arrive. I have to spend the time before that preparing for her---that is putting everything I have lying around the apartment in order. That takes a lot of time itself.....

a warm morning in December....

 Relief at last! After three days of two tutoring sessions, I only have  only one today. Somehow the tension I may have felt in the last three mornings---planning for two---- has dissipated. Feeling very loose---a kind of "empty" feeling, as if my life, or at least my imaginaitve life, has opened up. Close now, to the Christmas vacations, I expect that there will be some falling off of the tutoring in the next two weeksl will that give me time to....? Not sure, still feeling some effects of the chemo pills; that will obviously effect my activity during those weeks.. Oh, to wake up, and take the L out to Brookyn! Stop off at Cobra Club for some early morning coffee, or perhaps read for a long while in the Nook, a new and large coffee and snack place about a block away. Or maybe a trip to the Center for Fiction---would love to just go there, grab some coffee and read into infinity. One defect about living on the upper west side. There are very few places outside the apartment where one can go and read. The lobby of a nearby hotel is adequate, and the staff is fond of me, but I still feel restless there. Well, it is a tradeoff, the street that I live in is very quiet---important in light of my medical situation at this moment. 

After the long week of tutoring, which ended on Saturday, I was able to go on Sunday to the Friends matinee production of The Trial, but not the last night at Jack---much too fatigued. How was it...? A little long winded (about an hour and 45 without an intermission) but it was good to see so many students I had worked with on the stage.  Credit to Steve, the director for getting those 25 students onto the stage---actually that is what he is supposed to do--and they moved through the action very easily. I made it through with good cooperation from my "appendices" and went over to the upscale luncheonette a few blocks away. There I  sat contentedly with a muffin and coffee, while I watched one or two football games on their TVs. Really have not watched football live much this season--get most of my info from the computer reconstruction, which pushes the imagination in a very different direction. Will this continue...? Still not ready to hit a bar and hang out there on Sunday afternoon--Pine Box Rock Shop, off the Morgan Avenue L stop would be ideal, but who knows if I can really end up there. For me now, it is all moment to moment.

And there you have it---the new novel by Gary Shteyngart that I amazingly enough, was able to take  out from the library, sits on my floor---somehow I can't push myself to get into it. Well, maybe in a few days. I returned to the final two paragraphs of Hema and Kaushik by Jhumpa Lahiri this morning---a world that "defines" me? Possibly. or atleast some part. So life continues...

a new life....

so to speak. Friday afternoon: I have just completed  nine and a half hours of tutoring for the week, and have four, possibly five sessions tomorrow. So my life has become dominated by tutoring--after the sessions I immediately return to the apartment, mostly tired, and just "hang" as I prepare for the next day. No evening activities, not even eating out. Don't get me wrong---the fact that my clinetele seems to be exploding is very gratifying, but this is not the pre pandemic days, when, if I just had tutoring, and no subbing, I could do something interesting in the evening. Not now.Tomorrow is the final evening of a group of projects at Jack, and I would love to go, but after possibly five sessions---well we will see. The work itself if very gratifying---I seem to be relating better to the students whom I tutor then before. Of course, many of my sessions pre pandemic came after long days at Friends, so perhaps I just wanted to finish things off at that time. The second floor of the library on 145 street is incredibly hot, yet i find the work and the relationships that I have with the students very meanngful. Next week will be heavily booked again--Sunday sbould be a day of rest, but I have reserved a ticket to the winter play at Friends---an adaptation of Kafka's The Trial. Since I have not been there in a couple of weeks, it should be nice to get back to the community there---at least in some measure. Looking forward to it

A few words about Sondheim---why not---everyone else is getting there visions and memories in---I think his career exists in two very distinct parts. The first, from 55 to 65---six projects three words and music and three just lyrics. In each of these, the vision of the musical was shaped by older men, men with more experience then he---and Sondheim's lyrics, or in three cases, music and lyrics---were very much in the service of their vision. A five year gap between the lyrics to Do I Hear a Waltz and Company, the latter marked his first collaboration with only his contemporaries.One senses that he had a much greater power  in these productions, most of them that are revivied now, are really about his musical vision; with a few exceptions, the text of these plays seems irrelevant.

Saw an interview that he did with Adam Guettell, son of his long time friend Mary Rogers. He comes off as wonderfully relaxed, free associates in a very natural way---nothing self congradulatory about his presence. I think he was genuinely curious about other people. Thats enough for now---maybe some discussions with other "Sondheim freaks" at a different and future time.

Thursday after Thanksgiving....

 Caught in the middle. Tutoring at 4:30---whatever I want to do before that is possible.Just returned to the chemo pills, and feel a little inhibited in the body. At odds. 

Last Thursday's thanksgiving get together was very pleasant. Just the four of us: my cousin Kara, her sister Kayla, Kayla's husband Stan and myself. Very mellow---very relaxed conversation. Easy trip both ways by subway. It took place in Kara's new co-op apartment---on Prospect Place near Washington Avenue, about four blocks east of Flatbush, the border between Prospect Heights and Park Slope. Interesting walk between the Eastern Parkway subway stop and Kara's apartment house. Co-ops and condos going for sky high prices, but still very much a sense of the working class black and Caribbean communities that were in that neightbohood before gentrification changed. It is an odd contrast. Kara's apartment is extremely small--yet I would bet that she paid around $500,000 for it. Maybe I am wrong--maybe it was less--but prices around there are heavy.

It was Kara who brought me in as a substitute at ps 163, an elementary school in Bath Beach. I really enjoyed working there--a very interesting and eclecic group of kids. It ended in 2009 (does not really seem like so long ago) when I was hired by computer and then the principal asked me not to come in, but I received the message not to come in when I was already four blocks away. So they accepted me, and actually I remember having a really pleasant and interesing day there, but my taking the job seems to have gotten the principal angry, and I was never called again. Of course, I was at Friends most of the time anyway, so it did not factor in much in term of work--but I would have liked to go out there again. A long trip from the upper west side to Bath Beach, but worth it for the whole experience.

That Friday night in 2009 I returned to Friends to see a dance concert there. Of course I knew many of the dancers. So a full day, first the subbing, then maybe a Friends basketball game and finally the dance concert, all before I returned to my apartment. So easy to do in those days. Now, stamina is definitely an issue.I would like so much to go out to a movie or a bar in Brooklyn after my tutoring session, but mostly I am too tired to do so. The chemo works its effects.

I am waiting for a call from the social worker at Lenox Hill---I need some help with applications for the new year, but I would like to go to the Drama Bookstore and lose myself in a play or memoir. Possibly soon---will report later.