Thanksgiving morning

 Around 5 A. M. I awake from a horrible dream. In the dream I come to Friends. It is the morning, and I am looking for a sub job from them. I am in a waiting room (unlike any room in the real school) and a secratary explains to me that there are four teachers out and the "regular" subs have taken those jobs. I am to wait to see if another teacher calls in sick, or if I am needed. So I wait---think about what I have to offer-what my past has been like there---and then  wake up.  And angry. A feeling that I am really on the outside at that place. And the irony is, that this dream should come at a time when my tutoring clientele is even greater--my hours as a tutor more and more in demand---econmically I don't need Friends, at least for now. Caught in my anger and frustration on a day when I am essentially "free", as I am for the next two days. Trying to, I suppose, put it all together---stand apart and "look" at my situation. Need some distance. 

Not much else to report. The days are built around tutoring schedule--the nights-returning to the apartment and "chillingl" or just taking it easy. Aware of the world of the theater around me but unable to participate in it---as an observer. Yes, I am living in a far different world then I was pre pandemic. Yet the tutoring is meaningful---I have developed a solid bond with both the children that I work with and their parents. Much stronger then when I came to the library to face my students already full of work at Friends and just hoping to get through these lessons. My focus is much stronger and the world that I create with the children is much more interesting. All good. I am pleased with the situation. But the rest of my life....

Since the library is closed on Friday, I am free until Saturday morning. Today a trip to Prospect Heights for aThanksgiving dinner with my cousins---amazing that the first time we did this was over 30 years ago. First group Thanksgiving with them since 2019. Looking forward to it. Tomorrow, may work with my adult student who lives in Jackson Heights (always a treat to go out there and think about life in another neighborhood)---also apartment is being cleaned. Maybe some movie options during this time--could use some sports watching just to relax. Will report on how it all turned out.

A strange time.....

 Early morning---always in limbo---last night, was able to prepare to go to a play, not a movie. Went to EST, my old "stomping ground", now, under new leadership--maybe that is a blessing. Three one acts---all written and mostly performed by actors of color. On the whole, they were very good. After a brief, but somehwat effective monologue, to begin the evening, two amazing afro-american actors gave performances that basically awed me, in a play about two teen-age black track achievers.  Sat there, being stunned by their portrayal of those two teen agers---totally free, totally believable. The  next play, in contrast was about a few survivors of what must have been a nature apocalypse. Totally different in style, and slightly long winded, nevertheless the concept and acting of it was extremely original. Again the acting was totally comitted. 

Two more one acts to go---after intermission, nevertheless I left as soon as the first group of plays were over. Why? Several reasons I guess---on   one hand I felt physically tired----also, a sense of being an outsider in the space. Not really in a racial sense, I think because there was no one there that I knew---perhaps that is what I hoped for when I chose to go there, in addition to the plays.I attended so many plays and worksops at EST in the past--made friends with so many members. Yet no one from "my generation" was there. Also, nervous about "the bag"---perhaps I felt that I was not controlling it enough, and when I returned home, I found that was true; it was full, and needed adjusment right away. But the overall feeling that I came away with, was that I am not as comfortable in a theater space, as I would like to be, or certainly as I was pre pandemic. Somehow attending a movie, at this point seems easier---certainly easier on my nerves. I can just lose myself and absorb myself in what I am looking at on the screen.

Still, how much time will I have to go to anything---I now have over ten hours of tutoring a week---feeling a strong bond with the parents of the kids I work with, and the kids themselves. Afterwards, I am exhausted--just able to make it home ---try to relax and clear my mind. Interesting fact: two movies that are at a theater within walking distance of my apartment are autobiographical stories---one by James Gray and one by Spielberg. How do I feel about watching those movies---the childhoods of "high achievers"? Not sure, still some disappointment for me, in not "making it" in theater, even as I understand how meaningful  and dynamic the work I am doing with my tutoring students is. 

Trouble with the bag this morning---new supplies that I have received have been incredibly weak. Hope to have some success with the current one, but will have to supervise it often. Wish me luck!