decisions, decisions....

 "Strange" day today--my adult student whom I usually see on Sunday and who lives in Jackson Heights, canceled, leaving me with a rarity---an "open" day. Those are days I dream about, but when they happen, it is hard to figure out exactly what to do.. Plays and movies all over the city are available to me, yet, at this moment, around 9:45 on Sunday, my body feels tired---maybe it is telling me to rest today--not to travel---to get ready for the week ahead, which consists of a lot of tutoring and a visit to my blood oncologist for the final infusion of Avastan. 

Would love to visit the Drama Bookstore (is their bathroom situation finally fixed?) or even the fiction center in Brooklyn---just spend the day reading and going from place to place, but again, don't know if my body will approve of those visits.

Friday's day was built around my attending the Christmas Assembly at Friends---my first day back there since the fall semester began---and it turned out to be very meaningful. Sat by myself during the Assembly celebration, which was unusually loud and raucous, compared to earlier years, but that is probably because it was the firsr one in three years. Afterwards, was greeted warmly by many teachers, staff members and both current and former students---felt very much a part of things---this is, after all, my community, yet now return to my life "without" Friends---the extremely heavy schedule of tutoring that has happened to me really prevents me from subbing there during the day---and also my "status"---kind of "undefined" at a

 this point. Yet I feel that any time I go there---for a basketball game or a arts program, I will be very welcomed. So many memories of classes from 07 to 22---it amazes me how many years I have experienced senior classes and graduations. I guess I will just have to let things play themselves out, since my bond with the parents and students whom I tutor has become very strong.

Okay, let's get the day going--the holdidays approach, will have more free time decisions then...

1:00 A.M. musings

 Special day yesterday. Tutored in the morning in Jackson Heights (now traditional Sunday practice) then off tour Baruch to see The Tempest, performed by the Friends Upper School.  Got to the area early (no surprise there)---probably my first real visit to the area post pandemic---lots of luxury building---coffee shops; found a nice sandwich place for lunch. Then to the play: Steve, the director, uses the whole auditorium to make performance space---Nina, the young woman playing Prospero, very strong (casting this role with a woman works)---the production extremely inventive and full of surprises--good performances from a very talented group. Steve takes the festival part of the play---the performances by the Goddesses that can stop the play cold---and turns them into somethng highly inventive. Some quibbles---sure, but that is what one does---really a remarkable project. 

Before I got there I was worried about how I would be "noticed" but actually very few people there that I knew--only a graduate  whose brother was in the play and who was happy to see me. No faculty, which surprised me--maybe they came to the first two performandces or the dress rehearsals. Rather than take the elevator to the lobby, I climbed the four flights of stairs--a lot of effort but not really tired at the end. I felt very good--I had accomplished what I had planned early in the morning with no hitches. Returned to the apartment around 5:30---tired (naturally)---called a cousin who lives in San Francisco----slept and thought. 

Still haunted by my feelings about theater. A project as sucessful and inventive as Steve's was reminded me that there are other director visions that could be stronger (or as strong) as mine was. If I was working with high school kids I would try to strip everything down---the complete opposite of what Steve accomplished. Would it be effective...or potent...or received as well as these kids responded to Steve's vision? It is not to be anyhow---I am not doing this now---nevertheless--I try to remind myself that my work with the students whom I tutor is valuable and potent---a life in the "real" world, working to improve the lives of those less fortunate then myself---working with families who did not have the opportunity and don't posess the resources that mine had. Is this not what a true "progressive" does? Yet with theater, I am always "recieiving". A sadness---way past feeling excluded from that world...yet....On that note I sleep.

Today the tutoring work week begins---I expect three hours probably three days this week. Will be free on Friday and return to Friends for their Christmas Assembly and alumni gathering. Canceled my one tutoring session for that day---want the time to be completely open to all possibilities. Should be a better indication of where I stand at the school. Can't complain---I enjoy the tutoring in a way I have not before, and really like my students. Well, let's leave it at that.

not many choices at 5:28

Still a little too early to get coffee; would love to go for a walk, but can't, or jump on the L train.

Time stops! So here we are at the beginning of Friday. A long week of tutoring coming to its end. Yesterday, due to some foul up in communication from my oncologist's office, my Avistan infusion did not happened, instead I get it today. No problem. 

Thanksgiving at my cousins was fine. Got off at Bergen Street and walked south to their apartment on Park Place. Was this my first time on that strip since the pandemic. Flatbush around there, full of empty storefronts. Friday a "passive" day, Saturday a full day of tutoring. Sunday, morning tutoring my adult student who lives in Jackson Heights, then met my friends Clint and Kim for lunch and coffee in Williamsburg. A long trip, two subway changes, but my energy was very high. Starving when I reached the Ramen place where we met for lunch, ate some really good soup, then we crossed the street to a restaurant that specializes in desert and talked some more. 

Arriving in Williamsburg as I got off the G, and walking the seven or eight blocks from the station to Bedford, I felt a sense of being "home". Between 07 and 18, how many walks did I take in that area, how many restaurants or bars did I visit? Firsts time on those streets since the pandemic, almost felt like a blind man finally with his sight restored. Would love to return soon and just walk, but my schedule makes that impossible for a while. When? Christmas? Who wants to walk in the cold?  But it felt great to be there, then had an excellent conversation with Kim and Clint about the state of the theater today. First long conversation about that in a while---left them as I approached the L, back to Manhattan, feeling very exhilirated. Energy high during the whole day; my body took me where I wanted to go.

So life now revolves around my tutoring schedule, which is pretty heavy at this point. Lots of plays and movies out there to capture my imagination, but really no time or energy for it. A few friends appearing or writing plays that are on between now and Christmas, but making time for them may be impossible. Need to rest when I return home after a few hours of tutoring, and on the one or two days of the week that are less filled, well....? Can't say. 

Almosts six o clock, the coffee cart where I get my moring coffee should be ready soon....

Thanksgiving morning

 Around 5 A. M. I awake from a horrible dream. In the dream I come to Friends. It is the morning, and I am looking for a sub job from them. I am in a waiting room (unlike any room in the real school) and a secratary explains to me that there are four teachers out and the "regular" subs have taken those jobs. I am to wait to see if another teacher calls in sick, or if I am needed. So I wait---think about what I have to offer-what my past has been like there---and then  wake up.  And angry. A feeling that I am really on the outside at that place. And the irony is, that this dream should come at a time when my tutoring clientele is even greater--my hours as a tutor more and more in demand---econmically I don't need Friends, at least for now. Caught in my anger and frustration on a day when I am essentially "free", as I am for the next two days. Trying to, I suppose, put it all together---stand apart and "look" at my situation. Need some distance. 

Not much else to report. The days are built around tutoring schedule--the nights-returning to the apartment and "chillingl" or just taking it easy. Aware of the world of the theater around me but unable to participate in it---as an observer. Yes, I am living in a far different world then I was pre pandemic. Yet the tutoring is meaningful---I have developed a solid bond with both the children that I work with and their parents. Much stronger then when I came to the library to face my students already full of work at Friends and just hoping to get through these lessons. My focus is much stronger and the world that I create with the children is much more interesting. All good. I am pleased with the situation. But the rest of my life....

Since the library is closed on Friday, I am free until Saturday morning. Today a trip to Prospect Heights for aThanksgiving dinner with my cousins---amazing that the first time we did this was over 30 years ago. First group Thanksgiving with them since 2019. Looking forward to it. Tomorrow, may work with my adult student who lives in Jackson Heights (always a treat to go out there and think about life in another neighborhood)---also apartment is being cleaned. Maybe some movie options during this time--could use some sports watching just to relax. Will report on how it all turned out.

A strange time.....

 Early morning---always in limbo---last night, was able to prepare to go to a play, not a movie. Went to EST, my old "stomping ground", now, under new leadership--maybe that is a blessing. Three one acts---all written and mostly performed by actors of color. On the whole, they were very good. After a brief, but somehwat effective monologue, to begin the evening, two amazing afro-american actors gave performances that basically awed me, in a play about two teen-age black track achievers.  Sat there, being stunned by their portrayal of those two teen agers---totally free, totally believable. The  next play, in contrast was about a few survivors of what must have been a nature apocalypse. Totally different in style, and slightly long winded, nevertheless the concept and acting of it was extremely original. Again the acting was totally comitted. 

Two more one acts to go---after intermission, nevertheless I left as soon as the first group of plays were over. Why? Several reasons I guess---on   one hand I felt physically tired----also, a sense of being an outsider in the space. Not really in a racial sense, I think because there was no one there that I knew---perhaps that is what I hoped for when I chose to go there, in addition to the plays.I attended so many plays and worksops at EST in the past--made friends with so many members. Yet no one from "my generation" was there. Also, nervous about "the bag"---perhaps I felt that I was not controlling it enough, and when I returned home, I found that was true; it was full, and needed adjusment right away. But the overall feeling that I came away with, was that I am not as comfortable in a theater space, as I would like to be, or certainly as I was pre pandemic. Somehow attending a movie, at this point seems easier---certainly easier on my nerves. I can just lose myself and absorb myself in what I am looking at on the screen.

Still, how much time will I have to go to anything---I now have over ten hours of tutoring a week---feeling a strong bond with the parents of the kids I work with, and the kids themselves. Afterwards, I am exhausted--just able to make it home ---try to relax and clear my mind. Interesting fact: two movies that are at a theater within walking distance of my apartment are autobiographical stories---one by James Gray and one by Spielberg. How do I feel about watching those movies---the childhoods of "high achievers"? Not sure, still some disappointment for me, in not "making it" in theater, even as I understand how meaningful  and dynamic the work I am doing with my tutoring students is. 

Trouble with the bag this morning---new supplies that I have received have been incredibly weak. Hope to have some success with the current one, but will have to supervise it often. Wish me luck!

Friday 10/28 first post in almost two weeks

 Alot has happened. But I want to focus on my energy, or lack of same. Yesterday I visited my blood oncologist, who supervises my treatment. The news was good--they are comfortable with my status--I simply must contnue the three week infusions and pill medication as I have been doing for the past few months. They are pleased, will wait for the results of my next ct scan in early January before deciding the next move---assuming that there is one. Meanwhile my energy has been eratic---usually in the mornings, like this morning, my energy seems normal---can do or go almost anywhere, but that is subject to change at any moment. Yesterday, feeling really good as I returned from the doctor's I found myself almost immediately in need of sleep. And then waking up, the energy was less---gone was the sense that i was as strong as I was pre pandemic. Ah, yes, the summers of 2018 and 2019---still a sense that I could walk anywhere---long distances, without tiring. How many walks through Brooklyn, from Bushwick into Bed-Stuy, from BAM to 5th Avenue and 16 street, up and down Cotelyou Road, then south on Coney Island Avenue to Newkirk---streets that if my father and mother had taught in Brooklyn, I might have been raised on. But now, mt body, so different has to be carefully managed. Last night I reminded myself that my life centers around my tutuoring; I now have at least one student every day of the week--have to make sure that I am primed for that. Yet I want to leave the apartment---tired of waiting around until 3 or 4 when I commence my travel on the 1 train to the two upper Washington Heights libraies that I tutor in. This afternoon just one student at around 4; should get out before then instead of just staying in the apartment watching time move slowly. We, we will see.

Monday evening, a party in Brooklyn at Jack---the theater-community space situated where Clinton Hill merges into Bed-Stuy. In honor of its founder---Alec, who is stepping down after 10 years. I wanted to go to show my appreciation for his vision and the space in general. How many performances, not to mention a few important forums have I attended at that space? It is where I met Imani, the leader of BAN, an organization that, pre-pandemic, I was part of for a lot of events. Getting off the C at Washington Avenue, walking east along Fulton for a few blocks I felt a calm and gentle energy unlike anything I feel on the upper west side. Yes, I know, Fulton around that area is now saturated with new luxury buildings that only cater to one class of people, nevertheless, I felt so much "happier" there (for want of a better word)  and calmer as I walked to the theater. Party was fun---had some good conversations, but it was those three or four blocks to the theater that really re-defined me. 

Tasks for today---maybe buy some undershirts--that is about it. I wonder if I will have enough energy to spend the evening out of the apartment after my one hour of tutoring. So that is what we will find out.

Monday morning....

 eight days later---the day last Saturday did not really lead anywhere, as I remember it. A kind of torpor---tired---but that usually happens on days where I have no major places to be. Cant remember anything else about it---oh yes, went for dinner to the diner on 17th and 3rd---a good place for me to be. Watched baseball game---I think Seattle against Toronto in the wild card series. They are both out of it noblw---but the diner---with its nice tuna fish, is a laid back place, and I can watch sports there, and not think about not ordering alcohol. 

But enough of that---I actually wanted to talk about today. Restless---I have one tutoring session but it begins at 5, so there is a lot of time to kill. Financially I am tough on myself---refuse to let myself see a movie early in the afternoon---so how will I kill time? Probably will go to the Lincoln Center library and do some browsing there. Always return to Tony Tanner's amazing book, Prefaces to Shakespeare. He discusses every play--great inisights and yet very easy to follow. Last Elizabethan play that I read not written by Shakespeare, or at least not attributed to him, was The Spanish Tragedy, by Thomas Kyd. Interesting play, some strong echoes of later Shakespeare plays, but very convoluted plot---like so many plays by Shakespeare's contemporaries, it jumps from event to event, but never really gets inside it, nor does it take time for incisive character work. You can see how Shakespeare grabbed the form and pushed it inward---almost forced personal issues of the character to come out. Anyway, the next Elizabethan play I would like to read (or actually re-read) is Marlowe's Edward II. Ironically, though they have his other plays on the shelf, for whatever reason, that one is not there. So I wait. 

On Sundays, I tutor an adult student who lives in Jackson Heights. I go out there and work with him at his apartment.  A block from the 7 train, I find myself entering  a world of stately apartment houses---set up completely different from those in the other boroughs. I wish I could describe the soft energy that I feel as I walk towards my student's house. I am transported, absorbed by the tranquility of the streets that i find myself on. I really love going out there---next time probably in two weeks. 

Time to finish, and get back to the real world. Will report soon.

Where are you now...?

 Beginning of a long weekend. Body tired. Activity galore in the last few days. Thursday, constant falling apart of new ostomy bag---finally had to call my surgeon's office for some help. They gave me some new supplies---have not used them yet---will see. A trip that should not have been necessary. Friday, had to pick up medication of east 86 street, then head to my ostomy supplier---a drugstore on third avenue and 122 street. Made the trip; no problem---but a lot of ground covered in two days---then back to the library for a tutoring session. One session today---body feels taxed, but strong.  After that----well, the city is awash in movies and plays, all just waiting for people to come and see them. Decision to be made after session--will depend on energy level.

Sunday October 2nd--left the house at 7:40 to head to Bronx Science to participate in college interview preparation for this year's seniors. Two subway rides: the 2 to 149 street, tben climb the stairs (those stairs that as a child I would climb as I was heading to Yankee Stadium) and take the 4, to the Bedford Park station. On the trip, still fascinated as I pass the apartment buildings one can see from the 4 train windows. All of us were Jews---all of us were safe. As I look at the addresses of my graduating class in the class yearbook, it would seem like at least half of my class lived along that route. In how many of those apartments lived girls who I would have given anything to go out with?  Does my memory refuse to accept the life that is living there now?

Just found out that my only session today has been canceled. A whole different vision of time---and money. Where do we go from here?

I had meant to report on the Science experience---well, it was wonderful---I interviewed six students playing the role of a  college admissions officer. The kids were great! Eager to speak, sometimes full of ideas; I tried to be as empowering as possible--to create an atmosphere where I felt they enjoyed talking to me. Certainly the school as constituted now, offers them much more in terms of electives and life itself then the school did in my years. Still, enjoyed telling them stories from my time--not all positive, but interesting, now in retrospect. "Wounds", if you want to call them that, have healed over the years. And, oh yes, five of the six students I interviewed were the children of immigrants---and living in Queens! This is my strength at this time in my life--a kind of empowering. I am also feeling a stronger bond with the six or so children whom I tutor---getting more out of it, since it is the only scholastic event of the day (not subbing at this point),

So, the day begins---lots of choices now---will see where it leads....

September 27, a "famous" day....

 That is because 65 years ago, West Side Story, opened at the Winter Garden. Today, at 54 Downstairs, there is a Bernstein celebration---some of his known and unknown music will be played, plus Chita Rivera will come in to celebrate the musical in which she originated the role of Anita. Could have chosen to go---I had great times at the 50th and 60th reunion---but decided not to. Why---maybe just a little super saturated with the past---even the West Side story one. 

Flashback memory: a Friday, September 28, 1957---like today, a Jewish holiday, I, a sophmore at Bronx Science, my first year there am home. My father, was, for some reason in Manhattan today (we live in the Bronx) and on his travels, passed by the West Side Story stage door. He saw one of the dancers outside talking to a friend: "We took eighteen curtain calls yesterday," the dancer is saying.  Wow! That memory sears inside of me. Still, as I listen to my dad, I am unable to visualize what might have been going on on that stage, that merited that kind of response. Of course, the family---my brother David, my mom and dad, already have our tickets for the Saturday matinee before Thanksgiving---I will find out then what the dancer was describing, and carry it forward for all these years. 

Sophmore year at Bronx Science, a strange and well defined year, my first year of High School, the first thing to understand about it was that, along with ten other sophmore classes and two freshman classes, we were consigned to the Bronx High School of Science Annex, which was located on the two top floors of a public school about six blocks east of the main building. The latter, which we would leave in March of 59 could simply not hold all the incoming students, and so the classes I mentioned were sent to have their first year at the Annex, along with a set of teachers who taught the classes there. Each sophmore class traveled as a class---no individual programs, and so socially those were probably the only members of the class one could get to know. The true world of Bronx Science, which lived in the main building was unknown to us. Occasionally we would get invited to a class dance or other class event, but there, I felt cut off-none of my main building classmates seemed remotely interested in interacting with me. Some good friendships were made out of that first year of traveling together, but looking back on it, I feel it robbed us of any real high school experience, The next year, as a Junior in the main building, traveling as a student with an individual program, the world seemed frenetic--images of students of all classes jumping out at me, as I crossed from one room to another. And then the integration into our classes of students who lived in Manhattan--what an amazing experience I thought that must be. In my mind, they immediately became "different"-somewhat fascinating -navigating a world that seemed so much more diverse and dangerous then my calm, insular neighborhood in the Bronx. The upper west side, where many of them were from. was known to have "dangerous" blocks. What, I wondered, must it be like to navigate the streets every day? And, of course, the new women of the class whom I met. Would they talk to me? Could anything happen with one of them. The year went on, in March we left the main building behind forever and moved about a mile north to our new building. There, I was to find out, just what the world of women of my class would offer me. But that is another "adventure". Maybe another time. 

The early evening continues---I try to figure out what will make it interesting---will report soon.

Sunday morning, approaching 6 A.M.

 Already have walked four blocks to get coffee from the all night grocery store on West End and 72nd. Body feeling incredibly strong. Yesterday just the opposite: all day torpor, not a lot of energy; stayed home in the evening, even though I had many choices. Maybe I just needed a day. Four days tutoring this week-feel very good about my work there---energy between myself and each individual child is very strong. Yet on days when I am free----problems figuring out what to do---how to spend the day. Energy issues---of course---usually can plan for one event per day if I am free. Two more days (as of now) until the next set of tutoring begins. Lots of time to fill. 

Yesterday, finished, Fire In the Blood, the novel that I had been reading by Irene Nemirovsky; it takes place in an isolated town in the countryside of France, around the mid nineteen thirties. Beautiful writing, with a narrative that takes an unexpected turn and astonished me. At the climax, the central female character makes a statement to her husband that hit home to me. She describes an earlier affair, an affair he did not know about as if it happened to another person. Now, she tells her husband, she has shut that person off. But has she? The narrator wonders. This hit home--how many women in my life have gone on to be "other people" and moved completely out of my existence. Hard to write about--yet the novel articulates something that I had been trying to come to terAms with for a long time. 

New book that I have just started: The Fifth Act, by Elliott Ackerman, about the frightening withdrawal of American troops from Afghanistan, and the humanitarian attempts by the author and others to get those that helped the Americans during their time there, out of the country. A whole different world from Ms. Nemirovsky's; here is a world where personal feelings about love and abandonment are irrelevant--it is all about the practical. Am not deep into it; very intense---what the author describes is very frightening;  have to read something "lighter" to counter the rage and helplessness reading about the evacuation makes me feel. 

So that is it for now. Body feeling really mellow---let's see if it lasts through the day....

the birthday returns.....

 somewhat muted--just a quiet, non structured day before the week of tutoting begins. No plans, as of yet--desperately need a hair cut, so that will probably happen this morning. Yesterday went to the Film Forum to see Hitchcock's Strangers On a Train. I had seen it once before probably about 50 years ago. Anb amazing movie---at this point there are probably about 10 movies at Film Forum that I could lose myself in--yet strangely enough the force that I felt from Strangers seems so strong, that I want to wait before I see another movie again. Which leaves what...? Well, a lot depends on my energy process--whether I feel strong enough to leave the neighborhood in the evening. On Thursday last I had my first dose of a new and stronger medication---there have been some effects, but nothing preventing me from normal functioning. Nevertheless, that plus the chemo pills could slow me down by the evening. If not....I think about going out to Bushwick to visit Cobra Club or the Starr Bar, or Molasses book store for that matter, but the concept of taking the L into Brooklyn (not really a long trip from the upper west side) sometimes seems too difficult. The few times I have been to Bushwick since the pandemic and the illness, there have been planned events that I can set myself too. So there you go. 

What else...? Memories, of course, are with me constantly but not one that comes to me now that I feel I can write about. I have started to read a novel called Fire In the Blood, and the writing is really briliant. The author is Irene Nemirovsky, the French novelist of the thirties who was killed at Auchwitz during World War II. During the pandemic I read her earlier novel Suite Francaise, about wealthy french citizens leaving Paris as the Nazis approached. This novel is stylistically very different---written quite before Suite Francaise--a very gentle and reflective narrator at the heart of it. I have just read the first three chapters, but certainly I will continue today, at whatever bookstore or coffee place that I visit later. Maybe also a visit to Lincoln Center's Theater Library---just finished The Spanish Tragedy, authorship given to Thomas Kyd---now might be time to re read some Marlowe---I think Edward II is next. Good way of spending time in the afternoon. For the rest,,? Well we will see---maybe a post tomorrow will reveal all.

Saturday evening, a day later...

 Everything has stopped. Tired, but will report today. Plan: to go to IFC center and pay $3.00 to see As Tears Go By, by Hong Kai War (I think) at 12:45. Arrived at theater only to find a large crowd standing outside, and to be informed that the movie I wanted to see was sold out. Amazing! The $3.00 catch seemed to have brought everybody out. So what to do? Return home---not so hot. Go out to Brooklyn---better. Actually I had a second choice, at BAM one of their screens was showing Bells Are Ringing, a movie adaptation of the successful musical from the late 50's. I remember the first time I saw it, right after my graduation ceremony from Bronx Science in June of 60. Not in a great mood then---I enjoyed the movie---I was familiar with it since in March of 57 I had seen the musical on stage. Jerome Robbins directed and choreographed it, and this was his last project before West Side Story.  Very zippy, lots of fun. I arrived at BAM and had no trouble getting a ticket--unlike the IFC center, there were some people taking advantage of the $3.00 charge, but nothing like the tremendous crowd at IFC. 

To my surprise, the movie was quite wonderful. Judy Holliday, who both the show and the movie were created for, was totally unique. The movie has a simple plot that moves nicely towards its conclusion; rather then just enjoying it, I found myself very moved in places. Why? Did it bring back memories of being 13 and a  half and watching the play from the second balcony of the Schubert theater in March of 57? Can't say, but I left the theater feeling very fulfilled. Stopped off at the Fiction Center across the street from BAM and read a bit, then returned home, kind of tired. A feeling of completion that I felt good about. 

Two additions: 1, as I walked around the village getting to the IFC center, I was stunned by the number of young people eating brunch in several outdoor restaurants that I passed, as I traveled from Sheridan Square to sixth avenue. These brunches must easily cost at least $40.00 per person; about 90 percent of the people I saw were between 20 and 40. Where do they get all that money? Lots of couples. This still amazes me. 2. Last night saw a totally different movie at the Bunin at Lincoln Center: Red, the third part of a trilogy of movies by Polish Filmmaker --------------------------------------------. Harsh, intense, beautifully filmed---amazing to look at--had me totally involved. A young women accidentally meets an elderly man who is totally isolated and their contact somehow is able to restore his ability to empathize. Again, glad that I experienced it.

Tomorrow: my choice--thinking of going to Bushwick in the late afternoon and stopping by Cobra Club to see if I can enter some interesting conversations. Also, have not been to Starr Bar, another of my favorite "haunts" in that area---where I was always treated very nicely. One possibility--a lot will depend on my energy level---though, if I have a need to be somewhere, my body usually cooperates and lets me go. We shall see.....

can it be three weeks....

 since my last post. Well, that is understandable--lots has happened. But actually I wanted to begin this post with the title:: "Formless Weekend" After a week structured around tutoring I face four days with no plans at all---can do as I want--the city in front of me--of course, tempered by the effect my medication has on my body. Can't explain why the almost three week break---still, I awoke today filled with memories, thoughts of women I knew and desired in college who I see on the street now struggling to push their walkers forward. Can they really be the same people? 

Labor day weekend, always the "end of summer". So what is new? Well, the good: fruitful tutoring sessions with about four students---i really like them a lot--one entering sixth grader desperately in need of sufficient maths skills; trying to get him to be strong in basic fourth and fifth grade math---can't understand how his teachers have passed him---he is trying very hard, should be seeing him every day, but parents can only support this for two day a week, so far. He starts sixth grade next week,, so that may limit us more--will he be able to even begin to comprehend sixth grade word problems? Will see how it plays out. The other good: two theater productions over the past weekend that were excellent, the first, an adaptation of a play from 1585 called Galatea, updated by a playwright  into a mostly gay love story--cast with (i think) mostly trans actors who were extremely creative and loony---every moment, both in the writing and performance, full of surprises. Saw it in a park that has been newly created on the eastern edge of Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn--an amazing group of luxury apartment houses are just off the park---still, the park is (I assume) for everyone. Beautiful night, everyone out---Atlantic Avenue, post pandemic, between Court Street and the Park, bustling with outdoor restaurants--filled with what seemed to me to be "high end" people, almost all white, enjoying the moment. Never like this before the pandemic. The other play which I saw on Sunday afternoon, was The Nosebleed, by Aya Igawa, at the Tow theater---the small theater in the Beaumont complex in Lincoln Center, that was created to house more "offbeat" work. A strong piece centered around the playwright's attempt to define her father---a cold and withdrawn man-whom she felt was incapable of reaching out to her. Strong moments, especially at the end when the playwright actually creates the image of her father---his rigidity, his coldness right in front of the audience. Performed with great commitment---hard to believe that the playwright-actress creating this vision could recreate it several times a week.  After both plays I was able to hang around and chat with some of the actors and actresses, or just tell them how much I liked their work-I think I had forgotten how much I had enjoyed that simple contact---how much it made me feel part of the whole theater environment. I left both plays feeling very invigorated. 

So, looking ahead, where will I be this weekend? A good movie weekend--tomorrow (Saturday) many theaters in the city are charging three dollar admission for every movie for the whole day. Will I take advantage of it. The ifc center has a Chinese director, whose work I have never seen, but who has always interested me. A chance to see one of his three movies playing at the space. Then, of course, the is "the world", that is Brooklyn with all its places to walk and maybe hang out. And on Monday, I will go to a Memorial for a former bartender-actress who passed away last year---very young---could not have been more then early forties---she really liked me, appreciated that I was supportive of her performances, but she drank heavily---I have a feeling that may have caused her early death. Really surprised to her of this--just got an email yesterday from her acting partner. I definitely plan to go---to pay my respects, and also touch base with others who knew her. She had a beautiful open spirit-I followed her from bar in Manhattan to bar in Brooklyn. Will see how it plays out. 

That should be all by now--will report (I hope) sooner then three weeks.

So we continue.....

 Another Sunday morning---finally a little cool around here. What happens next? Try to come to terms with the results of the ct scan. My nurse practioner told me that they show that the lung nodules have gotten a little bigger---that surprised me, but nevertheless----and that the Doctor wants to give me stronger medication then simply the chemo pills that I am taking now. Really did not think that that was the information that I was going to receive. So what next?  Well, they send my blood away and in two weeks the results come back to them---I see them a few days later, and based on the results they will ask me to receive the newer---and stronger---medication. How do I feel about that? Kind of apprehensive, since my side effects with the chemo pills have been fairly minimal. I do get extra tired at times, but usually, if I am out of the apartmant, I can work through it. Since I function totally by myself, I don't want to be put in a situation where I can't leave the apartment, or do my tutoring, or even subbing. People on the facebook page that has comments by cancer patients report strong and sometimes debilitating effects from other medications. Actually, my body, at this point, feels pretty strong--so maybe it will be able to cope with the new plan. Nothing to do but wait it out, and see.  In the meantime....

Another library closing on west 145 street--where I tutor most of my students. Parents seem to have incentives to cancel when I tell them that the library is unavailable.  Where does that leave me? Strapped for money--I have no idea how many sessions I will have this week--maybe as many as 4, maybe one--at any rate, I am budgeting like a madman, planning finances daily down to the very last nickel. I have some friends--namely my credit cards, which will help me out, but even with their availability I am trying to be careful. A wonderful performance at 54 below that i would love to see is this Friday or Saturday, but it is a lot of money--don't know if I can make it--will probably fight with myself before I decide. Well, one can always enjoy the challenge, and there is a lot I want to read.

Movies are exciting me---last one was Duel In the Sun, an amazing western, beautifully made, part of the Lincoln Center King Vidor retrospective. Jennifer Jones played the "innocent" beauty who is sent to live with an aunt---who has two twenty something sons, who of course becomes infatuated with her. Joseph Cotten plays the mild mannered, careful one, while the other, a brutal sociopath who makes his own laws and mostly gets away with it is played by---are you ready for this---Gregory Peck. Yes, about 16 years before To Kill a Mockingbird, Peck creates a man who flaunts all the rules. As I watched him, it was like experiencing the yin to Atticus Finch's yang. The movie itself is quite remarkable, not just for its characters but for its beautiful scenes of the old west. Felt very complete when I left.

So that is it. Have really enjoyed the writing of this---will report soon.

Hot---killing time...

Looking at pictures of old addresses in the Bronx, these ones immediatetly north of Crotona Park. Got to JHS 44, the school at which my mom taught for about 15 years---science. Then she switched to 127 in Parkchester, just as the 44 neighborhood was undergoing change. In spite of all the burned buildings in that area in the 60's and 70's, I see on the google map a number of buildings from the "old days" that have remained intact and look just like they might have when my mom taught in the area. What must it have been like to walk through that area in the late 40's or most of the 50's? What would it be like to walk through that area now? A kind of adventure, but hard to consider based on my "appendage" that goes with me wherever I go. Still last night....

At LaMama to see a former student from Friends act in a production of (are you ready for this?) Henry VI part II. Put on by a bunch of young actors just learning to cope with Shakespeares' demands, and in some ways pretty effective. I have always loved the Henry VI  trilogy--its vision of the Wars of the Roses---and I hoped that this production would not send me out into the night screaming of its inadequacy. It did not---it was well staged, the entrances and exits, so many of them were totally well organized and the cast wrestled valiantly with the text. Long, it was 2.5 hours---more then I expected--but I wanted to sit through it to make contact with the former student. Afterwards I did---we talked a bit---he seemed pleased that I had come to give him support. Leaving I had a nice short talk with one of the actresses in the company---maybe that left me energized, but walking north on the Bowery to the subway I felt incredibly strong. A part of me felt that I could keep walking much further than the subway--moving through the Saturday night crowds that were on the street I felt at one with them. But I did go directly to the subway;  I was hungry and had to get some food at Fairway before it closed, but even waiting on the 8th street subway station I felt invigorated---this was my first walk on this street--always past the Public as I get to the Bowery, and though I knew exactly where I was going, after the pandemic these trips seem to have a dream like quality.  I know I have been there before...but when? Encouraging, should make me feel it is possible to make these trips and others away from the west side more often-still it is harder if I don't have a plan, a destination to visit. 

Today, not sure of what I want to do--also a little less energy then yesterday. Heat--still have some time--will report soon.

"return to life"

ta Last night at Skirball Center to see ERS's production of Seagull, their vision of Chekhov's play. I have friends who were performing in the play, but of course I havn't seen them since the pandemic began. Before that I interacted with them a lot. Arriving at the theatere, I felt ambivalent about saying hello to the three or four actors in the cast that I knew, wondering if they would even remember me. Would I be just some "clunky" ERS fan, unimportant to them. No,  to my surprise, the three cast members whom I knew well, Gavin, Kate and Lindsay, all greeted me with incredible warmth. I really felt like part of their "family"---so happy I remained afterwards to say hello to them. Thinking about it now, the morning after, there is something dreamlike about this reunion, a kind of "life returned" aspect to the whole thing. I am certainly not the same, after the 29 months since the pandemic interrupted things, but I could live again in an envirnoment that the pandemic and my illness had deprived me of. A very special night.

As for the play, well, Seagull is a play I care deeply about and have very strong feelings for. ERS is an eclectic group---their production was basically faithful to the play, with visual choices that showed how their creativness could come to terms with Chekhov's. I disagree with some of the choices, casting and othrewise, that I assume, their director made---watching these choices I often translated what I saw into my own "hunger' to direct the play at some point, with my own choices instead. Will that happen...? Probably not---nevertheless I continue to visualize my own casting choices, feelings, images often over what I see when I watch any of the four Chekhov classics. I look forward to having a discussion about the production with others that see it; I am definitely better of for watching this---I wonder if I will ever see a production that I feel coincides with my vision of the play; in 2016 a production of a play called "Stupid Fucking Bird", actually a very sensitive take on the Seagull, was very close to what I think Seagull should be. It emphasized the eroticism boiling under the surface of the four main characters, ERS's production was much cooler to this aspect. 

So here I sit at this computer, trying to figure out how the whole event last night casts light into my future. Returned to the apartment around midnight, the longest I have been out since the pandemic and the diagnosis of my illness. Will it happen again soon?  Does it mean I can push myself to travel outside the apartment for longer and longer times. Should I be less self protective about going to events I might like,? even if they challenge my nervousness stamina issues. So many places in the city I would like to go that are not on the upper west side. Movies at Lincoln Center or a laid back coffee shop in Bushwick, Flatbush or another neighborhood in Brooklyn? What about a walk on certain blocks in the Bronx? All things to consider after last night's "adventure". Will report soon.

a blank....

 a nice tutoring session yesterday---returned from it feeling really upbeat--but will not have another one until Monday. So what happens now? Lots of free time, but very little income. New York is hot---not a great walking day, unless I can wait until the early evening when the weather will probably cool down. A possibility is the ERS production of The Seagull, which is playing at the Skirball Center in the village (is there really a Greenwich village anymore---has the quaintness and "struggling artist" aura of that world, as it was presented to me as a young adult,  simply vanished into a world of luxury highrises and brownstones that are worth easily over 10 million dollars). I am familiar and sometimes friendly with many of the ERS actors, and always kind of stimulated by the choices they make when they put something on.  This is their first venture into Chekhov--could either go tonight or any time next week.

Just took my morning chemo pill. It effects me, but it is hard to say how much. My body responds in different ways---and a lot depends on how my day is structured. Yesterday, no drowsiness as  worked throug the morning and  waited for the tutoring session to begin, but when I returned to the apartment and ate, my body was shot. Today with less structure, anything is possible.

At the Lincoln Center library on Monday, I finished reading Edmund Ironsides, a possible "lost" play by Shakespeare. I found it in the second floor reference section--along side of another book called Disputed Shakespeare, which contains eight plays that the editior feels were written by Shakespeare. Only one of them, Arden of Feversham. is really known. Ironsides centers on the battle for the English throne between the Danes and the Saxons, in the early 1000's. There were moments when phrases or images reminded me of other writings by Shakespeare, and it has one character, Edricus, a "scoundrel" who moves between both camps, playing each side against the other. He reminds me of a similar character in King John (Philip, the Bastard) , but there are other characters in Shakespeare's plays who observe in a cynical way as well. Still, came away rather unmoved by it---will try to read this summer at least one of the "disputed" plays in the larger book. At the moment I am currently reading what seems to be two autobiographical novels. The first, Kennedys Goodbye, by Kati Rose. charts the growth of a young woman growing up in a strange Catholic family in the seventies in working class Connecticut. Kind of charming and surprisingly perceptive as the narrator looks at the other members of her family. The second and more potent of the two is Last Summer on State Street by Toya Wolfe; a black woman remembers her pre teen (so far) life in a Chicago project, one that like the others near it, will soon be torn down. Already there is one brutal scene in which white cops enter and terrorize her family for no reason, and drag her non gang member brother to a precinct that is harrowing for its police brutality. Made me feel enraged and frightened after reading it. I will put down Ms. Rose's book for a while, while I continue reading about Ms. Wolfe's black neighborhood and family. It has to be. 

All for now, should report soon.

At a turning point...

so here we are---Wednesday morning---students off on vacations--lots of "unstructured" or free time---very careful budgeting needed to get through the next 2.5 weeks---what do we do? 

Have to pay two bills this morning--the banks where this will happen are not exactly on the upper west side. So I have some visits to make, but where? Choice one" mid fifties--banks are a few blocks apart---still pretty easy access to my apartment. Choice 2: East 86 street around Lexington where the two bank sit near each other. Always fun to visit the complacent upper east side, (complacent for whom?) In the seventies, many of the women I pursued then in their early 30's lived on the east side. Upper west was still for the more "daring" people---this all began to change in the late seventies, when the working class bars on the upper west side became "go to" bars and were packed with young people. Still, many people whom I interacted with in my 20's and 30's lived on the east side. Choice 3: the two banks are actually on the same block, where---Bedford Avenue Williamburg, once a street I walked on almost every day as I headed to South 4th street Bar and Cafe. Arrived there around 2007, just as it was changing, and new restaurants were opening all over the block. Since the bar closed about 4 years ago, have not been there---definitely not since the pandemic arrived two years ago. Could be a fun adventure to explore the upscale changes as I go to pay my bills---the most surreal and challenging of my possible trips. What will be my choice? Will decide, later.

Survived tbe long 4th of July weekend with one movie: Lost Highway, by David Lynch, a really remarkable and all encompassing film---really drew me in---just what I needed for an early Saturday show. On Sunday, visited the Center for Fiction once, before the pandemic, my "haunt"--now, just a place to read and have some coffee. A decent amount of people there, but somehow the energy that I once knew was missing.  Left and walked a block away to the bar-restaurant on Fulton and, for the first time in a long while, "hung out". Came in to watch baseball, but actually, since the bar was pretty empty, had a long conversation with the friendly bartender. Reminded me of the "old days"---should do it again, except a plain Caesar salad with tax and good tip for the bartender's friendship came to a little over $17.00.  That's pretty heavy for me these days. But when I left I felt pleased--good to remember that I can have that experience. Monday's highlight was a brief but meaningful trip to the Drama Bookstore, that amazing place on west 39th near 8th. A staggering selection of reading material there from Greek drama to plays just closing off Broadway---I could stay forever--except that the bathrooms are closed. More strategy needed. Read a script by Mady C---about discovering her husband, with whom she had been in a relationship with for over 20 years, was arrested for something ugly. How could this have happened? I read with interest, but did not come away with any real answers---since I knew the husband when he was younger, I tried to put together some memories of my encounters with him (superficial but friendly) that might give me a clue as to why he would motivate his strange and eratic behavior, but did not come up with much. Eratic behavior from someone whom you think you know over the years as a steady person is always difficult to process. The gentleman in the monologue is not the only one I know. 

All right, time to get going, will report (I hope) soon.

what followed the last post...

 was a success! Went to my friend's play at HERE. His writing was extremely well served by the production and the cast?....well what can you say...totally comitted. Here we were in a small theater---outside the Pride marchers are happily making their noise--and yet inside this space was a totally different creation that really came alive. What a time to see actors, working for what must be very little money in a small theater with small crowds, working a on highly creative level! I thought that maybe after the pandemic that a kind of apathy in the theater world might happen, but to my surprise, the comittment is stronger then ever. That is what I learned from my visit to HERE last Sunday to see Don't Look Back, by Adam Kraar.

Monday night at the Assembly party---got off late--considered turning back, but made it to a really nice space on Myrtle Avenue where Fort Greene meets Clinton Hill. A small group, but very welcoming---had some really good conversations and a great trip back to the city with Susan, a member of the Assembly's Board. Interesting, while the two of us waited for the Myrtle Avenue bus to take us back to downtown Brooklyn, watched the contrasts in this neighborhood--it used to be all black and working class, but in the last 16 years, has gentrified a lot. Still,many black people on the street, while the newer people were calmly walking their dogs or getting take out food. An uneasy alliance? Don't know, since I have never lived in a neighborhood with those contrasts.

Now the four day weekend of July 4th begins. Totally unstructured for me at this time. The computer allows me to stay inside and keep occupied--follow all the baseball games carefully---, but once I am out, I feel something completely diffrerent and freeing. Lots of choices, but must be carefull financially and also have to consider how the medication that I have to take will effect my energy. Somehow, whenever I need to "be"somewhere, I don't allow anything physical to stop me, but on unplanned days can let myself be governed my energy level. Nothing yet that I ache to read at this time---should get to library (or libraries) today, since they will be closed tomorrow. Maybe it's time to explore some Elizabethan plays--contemporaries of Shakespeare---I have been putting that off for a while.  Well, we will see.

Post is finished for now---maybe will post again during this four day break and let you know the outcome.

Sunday morning.....

lazy morning, until Met game on Peacock, then watch a little of the Orioles-White Sox game, then off to HERE, to see a friend's play. Physically feeling very nice---should be outside---reading, walking, instead here. Well, maybe after this entry for a while.

Yesterday, the plan was to "sit tight" (save my stamina) for the evening, then head out to Bushwick to see a project at the Bushwick Starr, one of my favorite "indie" spaces. But it did not happen---walked a bit in the morning---voted on 85 street, then returned and could not get back my strength for a long trip. I wanted to spend the evening out of the apartment, so, after some procrastination, ended up walking to Lincoln Center, wandering around a bit---then sitting in the park right across the street from the eastern edge of the complex, and chilling out. Read a bit of a short story, but actually just sat---watched the people go by, felt kind of at ease with things. Saved some money---always important at this time. Could have gone to see an Argento movie--a retrospective of his films in playing at the Lincoln Center movie theaters, but rejected it; just enjoyed sitting and relaxing.

On Friday I did attend a movie in the Argento retrospective---and an amazing movie it was. Called The Stendhal  Syndrome--the story of a young woman police person in Italy who is stalked and hurt by a vicious killer---until she exacts her revenge. What a movie! Evert frame beautiful---every moment leading carefully to the next---created a tremendous sense of suspence and fear in me. Brutally intense---no let up. I think that the reason I passed on his film last night, was because I was afraid that I would be overwhelmed by the content and the vision of what I saw, So I passed. Three more days after today to see one more of his films in the retrospective---will I do it? We will see.

Body feels really strong at this moment---lots of energy, tomorrow a party in the early evening with my friends from The Assembly---one of my favorite theater groups. Will post soon.

can it be over two weeks with no reporting...

 yes, at times I don't feel like putting down my feelings or memories, or whatever. Still, some interesting "voyages" out of the apartment. Last week Monday and Tuesday, visited Clubbed Thumb, the theater performing at the Wild Project, a little west of Avenue B on 3rd Street. Three plays, all with ten performances---a mainstay of "indie" theater in NY. The Artistic Director is attracted to plays that are incredibly verbal--tart language a little bit ahead of character development or strightforward narrative. So that is what you get---I think by now the theater is a little stylistically locked in in its vision and this play, though bright and smart, ran out of gas for me, about 25 minutes before its eighty minute length. Still, it was fun to go there---I saw some friends, and had a friend in the show, which is really why I went---to support her. She did not disappoint--the acting of all six actors was on a very high level. Even with only one group of friends that I met, there is a community feeling about the place---everyone in the audience knows why they are there. There is one more play in their season that begins its ten performances tomorrow---I expect to go at some point---another actress who I am very fond of--and, of course, who I have not seen since the beginnng of the pandemic---is in the cast.

Next door to the theater is a new coffee bar called Book Ends---I wanted to go in and see what the place was like---a place where I could possibly hang out, but have coffee and not alcohol---but I missed my chances. Why? Still nervous about sitting in the bar with my "bag"? It should not be an issue; I do my tutoring with it and have absolutely no problem---still I hesitate. Maybe I will try to get there some mid morning when it is not too crowded and take a seat. Looking for a place to replace the fabled South 4th street bar and cafe, which closed in 18, or Cobra Club, my Bushwick place, which is a little too far to get to with any regularity at this point. Nothing on the upper west side remotely like those places.

An 'open" day today can do whatever I wish within reason--last chance to catch a movie at the Film Forum with Montgomery Clift--one of my favorite actors. The movie today is Red River---a movie that I have not seen. Might go--in the late sixties I would be attending ballets at the New York State theater---there is a bar in the enormous promenade. One or two times I saw Clift there, standing with a group of friends, part of his face, of course, messed up from his brutal accident about ten years later. He was very unassuming as he stood on the promenade. Strong memory. 

That is all for now---should try to create a little more then I have---we will see.

to :Bird" or not to "Bird" that is the.....

er  this morning---early---around 6:45---always up at that time---watched highlights of Saturday'sb. Baltimore Orioles victory over the Guardians. Felt drawn in and excited by those highlights---wonder if I should purchase the baseball package that would let me watch all Oriole, and some other games as they take place.  I follow the Orioles because a. they are more interesting and competitive this year then they have been in a while and b. my connection with the city; my hunger for its energy, which i have not let go in now almost 60 years. 58 years ago, almost to the day, I graduated from Hopkins---should have been the end of my interest in this city---instead, I have continued to be "haunted" by it---trying to understand its "life" (for want of a better word) as the years have passed. Pre pandemic, I usually visited once a year for a day or so, and in addition to going to the ball park (not as much fun as the fantasy of it) depending on where i was, I woud walk endlessly from neighborhood to neighborhood as I tried to imagine a life for myself there. Of course I am aware of the city's "division"---the world of the poor black neighborhoods totally cut off from the "white" world that I wonder around in---a world for consumers---laid back individuals--and newly built apartments--yetm I still want to understand what is going on there. 

The whole story of my four years at Hopkins--could I write about that. Like Henr;ty Roth, looking back from a long period in the future to let memory go. So many meaningful memories--those four years ins some ways shaped me---allowed me to return to theater in my late thirties with a lot of knowledge that only happened in my last year there. What do you want to remember...? The heat...always unique to itself, your HEAT in your final year there...? "Intense and comlicated"---she said "intense and complicated" in your last conversation over the phone---the night before I graduated. So I have always thought of myself, somewhat in that way---can't let it go. But the next day happened---I graduated---drove back to the Bronx with my brother and parents---and it was over. 

Last night walked over to Lincoln Center---now alive with people. It has been turned into a social circus--a little grotesque, but with people swarming all over it. Maybe just a place to "be" in the early evening. Decided not to see a movie at their theater--that was the only choice possible to lose oneself in at that time. The city continues to open up with a vengence. So many choices....etc.

Exhausted from this output--should continue the rest of the day,,,will report soon.

Thinking of Ricky....

 Browsing google maps at 3:30 A.M. Somehow arrived at Astor Avenue in the Bronx, near the apartment house where my first best friend Ricky lived. We were buddies in the first and second grade, and both baseball freaks--it was Ricky and his family who took me to my first professional baseball game in mid June, 1950. Must have been the end of first grade. Yankee Stadium, I remember that they were playing the Browns, a terrible team at that time, but that a rally in the ninth inning brought the game to the Browns. It was not till a year later that i really began to follow baseball play to play. One memory from later in the relationship, maybe fourth grade: sleeping over in his house, and playing a baseball "game" against each other. Making up lineups and the whole thing. Then Ricky's family moved to one of the suburbs north of the Bronx. Was it New Rochelle---possibly. Many families from the Pelham Parkway neighborhood of my youth by the middle fifties had enough money to buy a house in the suburbs. Then our relationship ended.

I wonder where he is now--somehow I feel he grew up to be a very harsh, aggressive person. Maybe because once in first grade, he was captain of a punchball team, and after I was picked, "chucked" me. That is, for some reason through me off. "Chucked!" for some reason that word has stayed with me---that time in first grade may have been the only time i ever heard it. I remember being stunned---here was my best friend, for some reason eliminating me. It is the only time during the few years that I knew him that I remember him being nasty with me---yet somehow that moment---in the school yard of PS 96, the Bronx, has stayed with me.

An odd day---after the very productive Wednesday--three students, all of whom I made good contact with---lots of energy and challenges---and a dirty apartment cleaned to perfection by the woman who cleans for me, I spent this last day  by myself. My one student moved his appointment over a day, so I was free. I was determined to see a movie called Emergency---having its last day at the Angelica--and, after some arguments with myself, took the trip. First time since the pandemic in that movie theater---it was actually the last place I saw a movie, right before everything shut down. At 2, the place seemed like a ghost town, just a few people in its large lobby---something surreal and sad about the whole place. But what was stranger---I was the only person in auditorium 6, watching the 2:20 showing---the only person! A very strange and alienating feeling. What was I really doing there, I asked myself. The movie was both comic and serious--a very strong look at race relationships---I won't say more, and I suppose I am glad I took the trip. It's important that I don't tie myself to the upper west side. When it was over, I climbed the sixteen steps to the lobby since the escalator going up was broken, and did not feel tired. Walked west to the Film Forum and picked up a schedule of the Montgomery Clift retrospective, and returned home. Slept for much of the evening---that is why I am up now. 

Lots to do today, and for the weekend---will report soon.

Saturday evening....

 One day active---one day passive. This was that day. Ah, but yesterday! You should have seen me! Up early, all my prep, then at 9 taking the crosstown bus to the east side, walking nine blocks to Weill-Cornell medical center to take part in a questionaire that I started last year. A long interview with questions; got paid $50.00 for the whole experience---should have been given more---worked over an hour yesterday on the interview-questionaire. Afterwards, walked a bit around the upper east side---a placid feeling all during the walk---the area now is kind of "insulated" by fashion. This was where the first generation of graduates came,who wanted to leave their homes in Brooklyn and the Bronx--and live on their own. Considered "hot" in the sixties---if you were on your way anywhere, you chose to live on the upper east side. Those who settled it must be in their eighties now. Now it is seen as a super upscale complacent neighborhood. But the vibes were nice, and I found a nice coffee place, much larger and more welcoming then anything we have around here in the west seventies. 

Then home for some rest, but out again around 6:30 to attend my friend Adam's play about a Jewish family, that is playing at the ART space on 53rd and 10th. Adam is a really nice guy---he was very happy to see me--I found the play well acted but,,,,well some other time. Real adventure began after I left the theater---the bus stop for the 11 bus that returns me to my apartment is right across the street from the theater. Convenient huh? Well, not quite--the bus simply did not arrive. After about 20 minutes I knew I could take either one of the many taxis that were passing by, or, believe it or not---walk. My thinking---money is tight--so, in spite of the fact that I was feeling very hungry, I walked the 23 plus 2 blocks to my apartment. My body really went with it. Then went out to buy some food. I felt strong, so I did not expect today to me a day of torpor.

I did have plans for today---it was to go to Dixon Place, where a friend of mine was performing in a play. I really wanted to go, but somewhat overwhelmed by lethargy--possibly a combination of my medication and the large amount of activity that I had yesterday Sometimes I forget that pre-pandemic, pre-illness there were days of low energy as well, usually after a day filled with lots of action. So I stayed home, followed some baseball games on the computer, and finished reading The Sign in Sidney Brustein's Window. a play that was written by Lorraine Hansberry towards the end of her life. And it is brilliant! Filled with great confrontations, amazing insight and genuine fire! Seven characters and only one is black; Ms. Hansberry was writing about the west village intellectuals whom she hung out with in the fifties and sixties. And her vision is extraoridinary. I would love to see the play done by an organization like the Public---I think it would fit in there--some great roles for actors. Will discuss it with my "theater" friends, such as they are.

Tomorrow I hope to make the trip to Dixon Place and see the last performance of my friend's project. Also, many movies to check out. Will I do it? Stay tuned.

All alone......late at night...

about 12:30 to be exact. Horrible day! Why? first the heat---really unbearable, second my body was tired the whole day---usually happens after a full day the day before, or on a day, when I have no plans. Actually I had some plans for the day---a matinee of a friend's play in the afternoon, but by 11, I knew I could not do it. My friend's play still has a week to run, so I should be able to see it towards the end of next week. Kept in the apartment by heat and torpor---and nothing to read. Finished the Hansberry biography earlier in the week---somehow I have found nothing to replace it as a "lead" book. Read some stuff from the most recent New Yorker, but that just did not cut it. What is next...?

The rest of the week was pretty effective. Some good tutoring sessions, and, even though it is late in the school year, may have added some students. On Thursday, after starting off with a new student, and having what I thought was a very productive session, I returned home feeling really terrific. Did not need any more. On Friday I went to Friends and attended the student one acts. All were performed with great "brio", the second play, about a family dealing with their teen age daughter's cancer, was very serious and quite focused for a play by a teen ager. Actually two teen agers; this was a collaboration. Then yesterday, spent the early afternoon with friends Jen and Joe, two teachers at Friends, celebrating Jen's birthday and that of her cat Pheobe. Nice time in Riverside Park---liked the energy in the low nineties on the west side as I approached the park---a litte more open then what I find here in the seventies. Actually I find the energy on my surrounding streets, cold and rigid. Returned to the apartment after that, feeling good; somehow the heat was less bothersome--then in the evening, on the floor above, a dog had been left alone for a good amount of time. It was howling, and I thought possibly this was a sign of abuse. After  a few hours, no dog owner returned, I felt I had to act. Called 311, hoping to get theASPCA involved, but instead was directed to 911, and to my surprise, two New York city policemen were dispatched to the apartment house to investigate. I was their guide, and again no answer at the door---just the dog's contnued yelping, which I interpreted as a cry for help,or at least contact. The police heard what I heard, but said that legally they still had no right to enter the apartment. They were sympathetic, but would not act.  After they left, I frantically searched the internet for the number of the aparment's owner, but no luck. Finally, at around midnight a young woman came to the house, brough the dog down, and got into an uber. The dog was a little puppy, and looked no worse for wear. I saw the tenant who is the friend of the dog owner this morning, and told her what happened. She explained that the dog was very "yelpy", and its yelps were notLa sign of pain. But how was I to know this. I urged her to have her friend leave a note on the door, if she ever did it again. Lots of energy exerted--probably a good thing---maybe that is why I was so lethargic today. 

So, back to the grind. Maybe a movie tomorrow; I have been promising myself that for a while---no tutoring until Tuesday. We will see what happens.

So where do we go from here....?

 Great day, yesterday, all about Friends. Went to the reunion; chatted with some people I have not seen in a long time; got some good appreciation from the graduating class of 12; then the Meeting for Worship, followed by hanging out a Linen Hall (I like that bar---too bad I don't hang out in bars any more) and finally, a trip to Avenue C to celebrate the retirement of one of the teachers from Friends. Kind of young for that, but I guess he has had enough, and there are some things for him to do in Charleston, where he and his partner are moving to. His partner, Angela, turned out to be a really warm and attentive person; as the afternoon progressed, more teachers and their spouses from Friends arrived, and I had some very good conversations with many of them. Time to around 6---returned home on the 2 train and had a nice conversation with a friend of Angela, who lives a little north of where I do. A day of total integration into a social world---so different from the pattern of my life at this point. Really nice, but where do we go from here? 

Money is tight---tutoring will continue---really like my students and am finding more satisfaction from being with them then before---what about all the plays, movies, concerts, events that are flooding the city now and in the next few weeks---how much do I want to experience them? Not sure. At least three of my friends have theater projects from now through early June---do they come first? All are fairly inexpensive---what about what I call the "$38.00 projects", i.e. those plays available for around that sum of money, where I have no personal connection, but might be interested in checking out. What about just taking the subway into Brooklyn---hanging out at the Center for Fiction (my favorite) and then taking a nice walk down 5th Avenue in Park Slope. Some kind of strange fantasy draws me there---stopping off at the large coffee shop-bar on Douglass near 4th and sipping coffee while reading. It is all there for me---but can it be done? Tune in next time....

a short wait...

 between posts. But it is nasty outside---my tasks for the day are essentially finished---no tutoring until Wednesday, so here I am. Just finished reading a short story by Jhumpa Lahiri, it is called Only Goodness and it has an incredible sense of conflict at its center. Her writing really draws me in---what is it about her work that makes me feel so vulnerable, yet at the same time, asks me if I could create a conflict in a short story of my own. That's assuming that I could even write a short story.  The collection is called Unaccostomed Earth, Truthfully, I can't read another story in that collection now, or possibly even if the near future; the experience of reading Only Goodness was too intense.  Her universe draws me in too much. Need time to recover.

Yesterday, a trip to Bushwick---finally! Mayday celebration at Maria Hernandez park, Joined my cousin there and an old friend from my days at to FUREE, Lot of cries of solidarity, lots of activist booths, good to see all this energy in the name of helping others. I admired the solidarity,  the other hand,  the real estate industry as so aggressive---it is like pushing against a mountain.  A mountain with no moral center. Earlier,  arrived at the 14th street stop on the L, only to find out that it was not running in Manhattan at all this weekend. What should I do---turn around and see a movie? No, decided I would tough it out by train and bus and got there anyway. Stayed at the park for a little over an hour, went over to my pre pandemic"hangout "the Cobra Club. Had a nice talk with a bartender, a very welcoming  guy named Matt. He is  opening up his own bar on Graham Avenue in a few weeks, and invited me to come visit. Great experience--reminded me of my pre pandemic life. Good to be away from the safe but cold upper west side.  Once the M trained crossed the Williamsburg Bridge into Brooklyn, I could feel the energy changing, opening up.  the Brooklyn world, much more laid back and welcoming, a different aura. After Cobra, walked over to Flushing Avenue and waited for a bus to take me to the J train. This bus route leaves Bushwick and travels through the northern boundary of Bed Stuy, and I would have loved to take it all the way to downtown, passing those Bed-Stuy Avenues---Bedford, Nostrand, Franklin etc, that I have studied and traveled so much in the past,  but got off at Broadway and took the J back to Manhattan instead. Stopped off at the Essex Street food mart, for a break, then returned by subway to my home on the upper west side. What a trip! Most energy I have expanded in a long time. lots of walking and climbing stairs, my body resoponded well.  More trips like it? We will see.

Rest of day, not sure--no walks, it is pretty grubby out. Will report soon.

just returned from a walk to my grocer....

 at 1 A.M. Why? To pick up some grapefruit juice---my throat is dry, after a long sleep. Also, just needed to get out of the apartment. Luckily the streets around my aparrtment house are very safe---and quiet at this time. Thank heaven for this grocery store, located on the corner of 72nd and West End. A little overpriced--but there 24/7. Gives me a place to walk to when I am restless late in the evening, or, more recently, early in the morning. Body felt strong on the way there--so I guess the chemo is not  overwhelming it--a sign of strength always makes me feel good.

Today is Sunday the 1st, and I will be going out to Bushwick to join a Mayday celebration in Maria Hernandez park---really my old "stomping ground". Should start off at Cobra---if I do it will be the first time there since the pandemic began--remember I used to go there every Sunday, and sometimes on other days. I wonder if any one will know me there, or who will be the bartender. Possibly stop off at the Nook, another coffee place closer to the park, which I tried, and liked last summer. In the park, at the celebration, it is also possible that I will run into old friends. That is something that I need; pretty isolated around here---certainly I can deal with that---but it might be refreshing to have some people to say hello to. Certainly after seeing Pippin at Friends, last Saturday, it was great to be greeted by many of the kids that I used to work with. Will try to go to there choreolab at the end of the week as well. And then there is the reunion.

Two very exciting tutoring sessions, Friday and Saturday---will continue this week; I am feeling more gratification from these sessions then I ever had. On a grimmer note, the contract between my ostomy supplier and my medicare provider has been ended, leaving me to look on my own, starting Monday, for new supplies. Angry at that, but it could be a "blessing in disguise", as I might be able to find some stronger bags. Make it easier for me to be out and about. Still, the hassle is annoying.

Came from a harsh movie at the New Directors, new Films festival at Lincoln Center. Time for me to go to the theater---lots of plays and ballets out there for me to see. Will I do it? Stay tuned.

t

such a long time between posts

 Hard to say why? So many "real" events happening, somehow my dealings with these events diminishes my need to write on this blog. Today a friend is appearing in a play on Theater Row. I have not seen him in awhile, which is why I am going---the play does not interest me at all. I am going to the later performance (8:00) at the producer (playwright's) request. Lots of time to kill before that--not sure how I can do it---also keep my stamina up so that I am not tired by the time of the show. Should not be a problem, since last night I was at a Seder at my relatives' house in Brooklyn and never felt tired. Still, can't exert myself too much. Have to be careful---lots of sports on this afternoon- a possible way to fill up the time.

The facebook page about memories of the Bronx, primarily  from the 40's, 50'and 60's had a post devoted to the section of the Bronx around Southern Boulevard and the 160's, Pictures show a commercial street in what must have been a mostly Jewish neighborhood with stores catering to that population. The neighborhood was working to middle class; the stores all seem fairly prosperous, and yet in ten years they would all be gone. The writers of the posts never talk about experiencing the transition from safe working class neighborhood to a place full of  poverty and crime. When? When exactly did each store close---realize that they could no longer exist in the neighborhood--what was the transition like. No answers. For most of these posters it is as if time stopped after they left. Something about these old neighborhoods (my neighborhood growing up was several miles north of there, and did not experience that kind of transition) and they way of life these posters describe haunts me. 

Yesterday at the Seder a young cousin of mine invited me to a May Day celebration in Bushwick. It is at Maria Hernandez park, a park that in pre pandemic-pre illness times, I frequented or walked through often. Until she mentioned it, I did not think of going, but now I think I will. I can handle it. Two weeks from today.

so it is three weeks since my last post

 why? Harsh life seems to have overtaken me---would like to write about memories and operas I love (like Don Carlos) and books I am reading, but practical matters can be strong---not overwhelming, but strong---so I don't feel like posting.

It's Saturday, close to 7 P.M, have been up since around 5:30 with just one nap, and one abortive nap--too many fantasies of old girl friends or old imaginary girl friends. Unlikw pre pandemic days, I usually stay in at nights. Tonight would love to go out---but my body aches---no it feels like pins are in my legs and shoulders-not conducive to running around. I remember two weeks ago I went to Metrograph and had a great time---wonderful to see a different world,then the upper west side, but today, if I go out at all, following this post, I will probably stay within walking distance of the apartment. 

Looking at my high school year book---Bronx Science, 1960; it seems like half the class lived on Walton Avenue in the Bronx. It is an avenue a block (or sometimes two) west of the Concourse.and it runs north south for about 4 miles. So many students from the same world---probably middle class Jewish families. Sometimes I go to google maps to check out an address---what can I say---a world lost. 

How can I describe what my body feels? A heavyness seems to move through it. Is it the chemo pills, finally having their effect on me? Two ct scans coming up on Tuesday and a doctors visit the Thursday after that, should reveal allut 

I enjoy writing theater memories on the Broadway Remembered Facebook page---it has given me a chance to write about theater in the fifties and sixties and impart information. Always try to keep things positive. Tomorrow a visit to a friend's exhibit in Vinegar Hill Brooklyn, and on Monday, possibly attending the spring concert at Friends. Next day the scans, and then the two days of tutoring. Wish I had more---but I don't act---just wait,,,,,,,will report soon.

Almost a month....

since my last post. Why? The practical world has taken over---I am trying to negotiate my financial plans for the coming months and it could be troublesome. But then again, perhaps not. Trying very hard to keep to a budget---doing well, may bring in my credit cards to help, if needed. Some moments stressed out---some moments excited just by the warmer weather that we are finally getting. Two tutoring sessions today, one tomorrow, should keep me going, but could use more. Some bad breaks--but have to deal with  it. Will try to attend my first opera performance since the pandemic and illness on Friday---courtesy of one of my many credit cards---it will be Don Carlos, one of my most meaningful operas. Will see if that is possible.

If there was no illness, and more money available, would I be checking out shows every night? Possibly, about two weeks ago, went to 54 Below to see a Reunion show that my niece participated in. When I arrived and sat down, it was as if I had emerged from a cocoon, into a vibrant, thriving world. Colors all around that I had not seen before. Completely by myself, yet I had a wonderful time---I owe so much to my niece for participating in the concert, and bringing me along. Wonderful supportive energy in the room---almost an alternative universe where musical comedy reigns supreme, and the horrors of the rest of the world are obliterated. Must remember that. 

Spend much time on google maps, looking at many streets in the Bronx. There they are, the buildings that were my reality as a child, a world of mostly Jewish, mostly middle classall white kids and adults---what has become of that world? I understand that a whole different group of people live on those streets now. No restaurants in sight, mostly bodegas on many blocks. How to bridge the gap? When I am stronger, can I walk those streets and see what life is like there now? We will see.

Have some books at home, but can't get myself to read them. Stephen Crane and Gish Jen--but no comittment to get into those books. Entertaining myself on the different web sites, particularly now that baseball is back. But what is next...?

Betwixed and between,,,,

 So it is Monday morning, a holiday, and I am trying to figure out how to spend the day. Ideal day to go out to Brookyn and wander around....yes? Even with my bag?  Its possible, but, as I was just thinking, visiting Brooklyn has somehow for me turned into a surreal dream---as if I am there on borrowed time---a trip that somehow must be ended at some point, and I am doomed to take the subway back to the reality of the upper west side. Pre-pandemic, this neighborhood, the upper west side was insignificant to me--now, though I appreciate its "separateness" and the quiet street that I live on, which is excellent for my health problems,  there is also a coldness among the inhabitants, as if your business---good or bad---is not their concern. But it is so convenient to the upper Harlem spaces that I tutor in---I can be back in my apartment in a very short time, after one or two tutoring sessions. Imagine living in Brooklyn and having to get there from 145th and Amsterdam, while being very tired. Unrealistic. But that is where it stands now.

After two very cold days, the weather is about to improve. Means, I hope, more time outside. Just contacted the parent of fwo former regular students of mine, in the hope of getting some more work. Right now, I am at the mercy of the whims of my students' parents. If they feel like canceling they do, leaving me out in the cold. Same with Friends,where, for all the hard work I did early in January when they were desperate for subs, I seem to have been canceled out. Was it the fall that I took four weeks ago that changed everything?  Or is there simply less need for me. Am I entitled to more "respect" there, because of all the time and committment i have put in over the last 14 (yes, fourteen) years?  At this point, just let it play out.

Yesterday went to the film forum and saw Stray Dog, a Kurosawa film starring Mifune. Felt detached and removed during much of the films first hour, but the last 40 minutes really hooked me in---some amazing close ups that heighten the action. Want to see at least one more of the Kurosawa-Mifune collaboration---saw Rashomon a few times on TV---also produced a play version of it in my last year at Hopkins. So I know that one well. Theater was nearly filled for a 12:40 showing. The first time I have seen that since pre-pandemic. The seven or so other movies that I have seen have had much smaller audiences. Will see at least one more movie this week---many choices--will figure it out as I go along. Will report soon.

Quite a week....

 a broken toilet handle, a door that does not squeak, mice in the apartment followed by a visit by an exterminating crew, not paid for by the managing agent of the building---at least not yet---a sense of sadness  frustration  at the way the apartment i hadled now---a visit to Friends to see a basketball game---three tutoring sessions yesterday, two of them I feel rerpresented my best---the other, a little vague, I should be more knowledgeable about some seventh grade problems---will try to improve this week---a new novel---and Superbowl Sunday---pre pandemic a "big day" for me---not so sure where I will be when this takes place today.

Found a good novel in the library this week---taking a break from the Atticus Lish one that I was currently reading. It is All Grown Up, by Jamie Attenberg. The central character--a mid thirties educated woman, living in south Willliamsburg before its upscale explosion---trying to find herself, not married, comfortable with sex  with men for its own sake---a voyager---makes me feel a little left out of "the party", of course, I don't drink, and many of this character's encounters take place after much liquor has been consumed. Writtin with great honesty and sensitivity---very vivid characterizations of the world she inhabits---strange that she live near South fourth at the time I began to be a "regular" there---but out paths never crossed---I wonder if she ever went to that bar--coffee shop. At any rate, will read it to its end---pretty close---and then probably return to Lish's book which, though well written, doggedly remains fixed on the same subject. 

Interesting documentary at the Film Forum---about a bullying experience when the director of the doc was in the fifth grade--some fifty three years ago. Apparently he interviews many participants of the incidents---now in their sixties---to see what their vision of the incident is. The public school they attended was in Sheepshead Bay, a part of Brooklyn that at that time---around 65---was fairly similar to the Jewish area that I was raised in in the Bronx. That is why I am so anxious to see the movie. It is playing with a narrative feature called The Playground---can I check it out today...? Who knows, but feel that seeing it could be meaninful for me. Will report on it if and when I see it.

 

the next Sunday morning.....

 cold, cold, got out early to the nearby hotel; waited for coffee--read the John Le Carre novel that I took almost by chance from the library yesterday. Really good---it has captured me, and I will try to read as much of it as I can today. But what else? Absolutely no commitments--at least one movie---possibly part of the film series showing at the Film Forum of films made in NY in the late forties and fifties. Have not gone to one yet---an interesting one showing around 4:30, called the window---obscure, might be fun to watch.  Meanwhile Metrograph is having a John Stahl festival---he was a director who made many films in the 30's and 40's---amazingly enough around 90 years ago. Ah, Metrograph---pre pandemic that was my go to spot for movies---loved the ambiance--the energy---it seemed like everyone there really was interested in films---or atleast that is what I imagined it to be. Reading on the couch in the lobby---I wonder if the layout is still the same, or post pandemic it has been stripped down---like the Lincoln Center theaters---almost bare in relation to what they once were pre March 2020,

Yesterday, four tutoring sessions---felt good, still need some more for the week. Returned to the apartment around 5, did not go out again, Today---a need to be out. Read some essays from the anthology of black writing in the New Yorker, which I have out of the library. Stuck with Atticus Lish's new novel--about abook woman who has ALS. He is a strong writer--reading him is fulfilling---but here he seems to be stuck on the same subject for most of the first hundred pages that I read. LeCarre is a nice break from that--his book moves refreshingly quickly through its narrative. 

I returned to Friends for the first time since the "accident" to see the middle school play directed by my friend Shayna. Previously she directed  in the McCrae space, kind of a rudimentary playing space---now she worked in the new Great Hall---lots of possibilities for tech explosions while staging her work, which she took advantage of. Still, miss the humanity of the earlier work, a little lackng in this one. More on this some other time.

So let the rest of the day begin---lets see how I use my " freedom"--a day where I have no committment to anything but my own desires. Will report soon.

survival weekend....

 Sunday morning late: still in the apartment. Yesterday, cold weather forced me to stay indoors just about all of the day. Considered a movie at Lincoln Center towards the evening, but when out shopping, the cold was so brutal that I decided it was better to stay inside. Watched Yale Princeton basketball game instead---a really good game that Yale jusl pulled out. So went the main part of the evening.

A movie today...? Yes, but what and where? How far do I want to travel and do I want to find a place to watch the two football playoff ga---mes today. Well, they don't start for a while, so....at Lincoln Center---Hiroshima Mon Amour, an amazing film made in 59. I saw it my first year at Hopkins---17 years old, still remember it. I took a date, and the movie theater was in a part of Baltimore that I had never been to. I remember being overwhelmed by the erotic images in the movie---it was startling to me. The intensity---do I want to relive those images again, now in my present?  To see the movie today, would also mean visiting my seventeen year old self, remembering the trip, the bus ride to the theater---trying to navigate the unknown streets of that part of Baltimore. Probably too much overload. I have a fantasy of taking a woman I am having an affair with, who has never seen Hiroshima Mon Amour,before, to see it. That and Persona---a great movie to re-see with someone you are very close to.  But I am not having an affair with anyone at this given moment. To see the movie alone...? Maybe too much.

Return to Cobra Club, maybe see a play---still might be too difficult---Sundays have become odd days for me---instead of the voyages in and around Bushwick, I simply remain home, most of the time, and wait for the week to begin.That is where the action is now---either at Friends or tutoring. Last week 10 sessions--would have had more if the snow had not closed the libraries. Enjoying the intensity, the focus of my relationships with the kids I am tutoring. Speaking of wish, yesterday I read an essay about Prep for Prep, and its effects on the black students who were part of it. Really interesting---part of a group of essays by black writers that were published in the New Yorker. Will continue reading more today.

two days of....

snow, looks like that is what is coming up.  What does that mean for me---well, it means I will be spending more time then expected in the apartment--it also means that I lose out on some money that I expected to make from tutoring. I was expecting three to four students on Saturday---possibly I can see one or two on Friday. It is not so much making up the money (though that is hardly unimportant) but that I really feel one or two of my students really need the input. However, schedules oft he children whom I work with and their parents and relatives, (who often take them to the library) are hard to change---so we will have to see what happens. 

For myself, I guess it means that instead of checking out a movie or so, or having some coffee in a restaurant, I will be at home. So what will I do? Read, read, read, at least that is my visionw. The library on 145 street where I tutor has a new novel by Atticus Lish---I liked his earlier one--I think today I will try to check it out. Also, Paul Auster has written an enormous biography of the writer Steven Crane--it looks amazing, even if I have read very little of Crane's work. It is about 800 pages--Crane died at 25---a lot of pages for a short life. I don't really know how Auster does it---I would love to read it---or some of it---but it is a lot like planning to read War and Peace (which I have never read). How can you give yourself over to a commitment that takes so much time. And if I have time before this "noreaster" I should visit the theater library at Lincoln Center, and take out a few plays to look at. Still have not read Alice Childress' plays (I missed the production of Trouble In Mind at the Roundabout) --maybe some Shaw, and some part of me wants to read The Voice of the Turtle, by John Van Druten, a three character play that ran for several years during World War II. The typical "well made" well constructed comedy, I am curious to see if this "machine" still holds up. My favorite play of that kind remains Barry's The Animal Kingdom--well made, but very powerful in how it deals with human emotions.

Much has happened since the last post, too much to really describe here. After my whirlwind return to Friends, this week I have been tutoring. At this point, I seem to prefer it to subbing---I feel my immediate focus on my students is stronger then its ever been. 

Thursday morning---first day I don't have to be at the library until around 4. More space and time---will report soon.

Another week has gone by....

Lots of work---three days at Friends and some tutoring. But let's get to yesterday. The library where I tutor was closed at the last moment, and two tutoring sessions were canceled. But that allowed me to attend the Mermorial for a young man who was an Assistant Teacher at Friends. He died after a long illness at 31, the same age as the first class that I actually bonded with at Friends---the class of 2007---is now. I did not know him really well---he had a warm countenance in the school, and occasionally I would see him around the library in the 140's, where he had moved a while ago. The Memorial was held at the Quaker house in Brooklyn Heights---I had no idea he was from that area. Well attended, many of his contemporairies and his parents spoke very lovingly of the young man. It was a picture that was full---a picture that I never saw---but in all fairness, I only saw the barest outline of his personality. His parents described a warm support group of both friends and relatives who were constantly supportive of him during his illness. I absorbed all this---a little skeptical at first,, but then accepting the whirlwind of feeling that the several speakers had given out. 

It was the first time since pre-pandemic that I was in Brooklyn Heights. After the Memorial, I walked over to Court Street, stopped in the large Barnes and Noble that has been there since around 2000. I remember when it first opened; I was a regular at the Heights Cafe, and would wander over after hanging out there. The store seems really organized---enjoyed browsing in it---then walked two blocks to a nearby Pizza place, and had a slice. The return home from the Heights was more complicated then usual, since the 2 and 3 trains were not running in Brooklyn, nevertheless I navigated it without much hassle, and returned home by early evening. 

Something great about being in a differnt place, re-exploring Brooklyn, albeit just a little bit. But it is like I took a voyage into a distant place, and all the colors of the place, the architecture, the energy remains with me. Excited---wish to travel more, but it is an ugly day today, with more ugliness predicted for tomorrow, so who knows how far I can go. A movie today....? Possible, but will have to see how things develop....

so alot has changed....

since my last post. Since Tuesday of the new year, I have been subbing at Friends---back again, mixing with all my old friends---students and teachers alike. And amazingly enough, my stamina has been strong-knowing that I have to be there seems to have charged my body up---another day there planned for tomorrow--would like to continue.

Maybe because of this, maybe for other reasons, this has been a"passive" weekend for me. I had one tutoring committment on Saturday at the 145 street library, only to arrive there and find that the library had closed for one day. I offerred to tutor the student at his home, but he said that he was okay with canceling, so I returned to the apartment. At that point I tried to figure out what movies I might want to see, or even a play, but things got bogged down, and my one attempt to go to the Film Forum, to see I Know Where I am Going, was derailed by subway problems. That was my one time out of the house, so I ended up at the Drama Bookstore and stayed there for about an hour. I am always amazed at the amount of plays they have shelved---mostly plays from the last 10 or 15 years---no John Van Druten or Hugh Wheeler theater in sight. Awed by my choices, instead I opted to read the book that I had brought with me to read on the train---Wide Sargasso Sea, by Jean Rhys. Moody, deep, a novel really about isolation, it drew me into its sadness--so strong that when I returned home, I could not read it any more. Instead I turned to the other book I am currently reading---a non fiction book about President Roosevelt's actions or inactions while the Nazis were building their machine to take over the world. Good clear writing---but sad that this build was aloud to happen, and so many people were destroyed, without us stopping it.

Spent today (its around 6 now) quietly at home---somehow not excited about seeing a movie---maybe I just want to let quiet happen while I prepare for my comittment to Friends  tomorrow. At any rate, that where things are at now----will report soon.