Betwixed and between,,,,

 So it is Monday morning, a holiday, and I am trying to figure out how to spend the day. Ideal day to go out to Brookyn and wander around....yes? Even with my bag?  Its possible, but, as I was just thinking, visiting Brooklyn has somehow for me turned into a surreal dream---as if I am there on borrowed time---a trip that somehow must be ended at some point, and I am doomed to take the subway back to the reality of the upper west side. Pre-pandemic, this neighborhood, the upper west side was insignificant to me--now, though I appreciate its "separateness" and the quiet street that I live on, which is excellent for my health problems,  there is also a coldness among the inhabitants, as if your business---good or bad---is not their concern. But it is so convenient to the upper Harlem spaces that I tutor in---I can be back in my apartment in a very short time, after one or two tutoring sessions. Imagine living in Brooklyn and having to get there from 145th and Amsterdam, while being very tired. Unrealistic. But that is where it stands now.

After two very cold days, the weather is about to improve. Means, I hope, more time outside. Just contacted the parent of fwo former regular students of mine, in the hope of getting some more work. Right now, I am at the mercy of the whims of my students' parents. If they feel like canceling they do, leaving me out in the cold. Same with Friends,where, for all the hard work I did early in January when they were desperate for subs, I seem to have been canceled out. Was it the fall that I took four weeks ago that changed everything?  Or is there simply less need for me. Am I entitled to more "respect" there, because of all the time and committment i have put in over the last 14 (yes, fourteen) years?  At this point, just let it play out.

Yesterday went to the film forum and saw Stray Dog, a Kurosawa film starring Mifune. Felt detached and removed during much of the films first hour, but the last 40 minutes really hooked me in---some amazing close ups that heighten the action. Want to see at least one more of the Kurosawa-Mifune collaboration---saw Rashomon a few times on TV---also produced a play version of it in my last year at Hopkins. So I know that one well. Theater was nearly filled for a 12:40 showing. The first time I have seen that since pre-pandemic. The seven or so other movies that I have seen have had much smaller audiences. Will see at least one more movie this week---many choices--will figure it out as I go along. Will report soon.

Quite a week....

 a broken toilet handle, a door that does not squeak, mice in the apartment followed by a visit by an exterminating crew, not paid for by the managing agent of the building---at least not yet---a sense of sadness  frustration  at the way the apartment i hadled now---a visit to Friends to see a basketball game---three tutoring sessions yesterday, two of them I feel rerpresented my best---the other, a little vague, I should be more knowledgeable about some seventh grade problems---will try to improve this week---a new novel---and Superbowl Sunday---pre pandemic a "big day" for me---not so sure where I will be when this takes place today.

Found a good novel in the library this week---taking a break from the Atticus Lish one that I was currently reading. It is All Grown Up, by Jamie Attenberg. The central character--a mid thirties educated woman, living in south Willliamsburg before its upscale explosion---trying to find herself, not married, comfortable with sex  with men for its own sake---a voyager---makes me feel a little left out of "the party", of course, I don't drink, and many of this character's encounters take place after much liquor has been consumed. Writtin with great honesty and sensitivity---very vivid characterizations of the world she inhabits---strange that she live near South fourth at the time I began to be a "regular" there---but out paths never crossed---I wonder if she ever went to that bar--coffee shop. At any rate, will read it to its end---pretty close---and then probably return to Lish's book which, though well written, doggedly remains fixed on the same subject. 

Interesting documentary at the Film Forum---about a bullying experience when the director of the doc was in the fifth grade--some fifty three years ago. Apparently he interviews many participants of the incidents---now in their sixties---to see what their vision of the incident is. The public school they attended was in Sheepshead Bay, a part of Brooklyn that at that time---around 65---was fairly similar to the Jewish area that I was raised in in the Bronx. That is why I am so anxious to see the movie. It is playing with a narrative feature called The Playground---can I check it out today...? Who knows, but feel that seeing it could be meaninful for me. Will report on it if and when I see it.

 

the next Sunday morning.....

 cold, cold, got out early to the nearby hotel; waited for coffee--read the John Le Carre novel that I took almost by chance from the library yesterday. Really good---it has captured me, and I will try to read as much of it as I can today. But what else? Absolutely no commitments--at least one movie---possibly part of the film series showing at the Film Forum of films made in NY in the late forties and fifties. Have not gone to one yet---an interesting one showing around 4:30, called the window---obscure, might be fun to watch.  Meanwhile Metrograph is having a John Stahl festival---he was a director who made many films in the 30's and 40's---amazingly enough around 90 years ago. Ah, Metrograph---pre pandemic that was my go to spot for movies---loved the ambiance--the energy---it seemed like everyone there really was interested in films---or atleast that is what I imagined it to be. Reading on the couch in the lobby---I wonder if the layout is still the same, or post pandemic it has been stripped down---like the Lincoln Center theaters---almost bare in relation to what they once were pre March 2020,

Yesterday, four tutoring sessions---felt good, still need some more for the week. Returned to the apartment around 5, did not go out again, Today---a need to be out. Read some essays from the anthology of black writing in the New Yorker, which I have out of the library. Stuck with Atticus Lish's new novel--about abook woman who has ALS. He is a strong writer--reading him is fulfilling---but here he seems to be stuck on the same subject for most of the first hundred pages that I read. LeCarre is a nice break from that--his book moves refreshingly quickly through its narrative. 

I returned to Friends for the first time since the "accident" to see the middle school play directed by my friend Shayna. Previously she directed  in the McCrae space, kind of a rudimentary playing space---now she worked in the new Great Hall---lots of possibilities for tech explosions while staging her work, which she took advantage of. Still, miss the humanity of the earlier work, a little lackng in this one. More on this some other time.

So let the rest of the day begin---lets see how I use my " freedom"--a day where I have no committment to anything but my own desires. Will report soon.