burned out....

 after 11 sessions this week and more to come. Yes, i am very fond of the children whom I tutor, but it seems like I have nothing else in my life. True?  We will see--not sure if I will be teaching today or not---waiting to hear from a parent---but it does not matter. Ironically, as I imagined a day with no sessions, I could not come to terms with what I should do. Lots of theater choices---or I could hang out at my friend's bar in the deptths of the east village. But what will free me? Don't know. Anyway some sense of relief because Friday is a pretty easy day---teaching or not---just wait to see what happens.

Finished the Mike Nichols biography. Money and ostentatiousness---had to always have "the best"---went to "hot" restaurants even as his health was failing.  Nice focus on his last production of Death of a Salesman which starred the late (and great) Philip Seymour Hoffman. Did not see it---have not seen a production of the play since I saw the one starring Dustin Hoffman in 84. Three productions were available to me since then, including the one that just closed that starred Wendell Pierce. Why have I avoided these productions---I know the play so well, and have so many thoughts about it. Oh yes, did see a summer production with a mixed cast which my friend Michael directed around the early teens. Liked that---actors changed roles, which was interesting and perhaps distracted me from some of the depth of the play if performed normally. About two days ago, had a long talk with myself about the play's meaning and how it related to my own family. Like Willy Loman, my father, who was generally sucessful in his work and life also deep down inside "did not know who he was". That uncertainty was like an undercurrent in our relationship as I was growing up. He definitely wanted me to be "successful"--since I was a high achiever as a child, I am sure he hoped I would be a successful lawyer or college professor, or something like that. A liberal and compassionate existence, but also a "safe" one. So, of course, that did not happen--he was disappointed when I left Yale School of Drama, even if intellectually he understood it was not a productive place. Of course that "safe" vision that he desired of me was sabotaged by his own passion for theater--he started taking me to plays and musicals at a young age, and it was there that i became entranced with the dreamers--the ones always trying to figure things out. His boundaries were perfect---he wanted mine to be the same and when they were not he was very disappointed. So there you go

Wow! That was heavy---well nice to get it off my chest, I guess. Now to return to the "normal" part of my daily life---go to the nearest web site dealing with city happenings, and try to figure that out. Will report soon.