Friday morning...

From darkness into light. Why are the hours like from 1:00 to 5:00 A.M. so hard for me? The upbeat energy that I feel now is so different from the "lostness" (for want of a better word) that I feel during that period. Case in point: a dream that began the time. I am on a bus headed for the suburbs. I must have gotten on before 57th street and 8th, because that is where we are now. I realize that this is a mistake; I have no desire to go anywhere out of the city---the bus starts to move west. I approach the bus driver and ask him nicely to let me off at the corner of 57th street and 9nth Avenue. He politely says no--tells me that the first stop for this bus is north of the city, and that he cannot open the doors for anyone before that. The bus moves west from 9th to 10th avenue. I remain at the front and again nicely ask the driver to let me off at 57th and 10th. He is nice but firm---No! I guess I am stuck on this bus until that first suburb stop and then I have to figure out how to get home. And that is where the dream ends---I am facing 57th and 10th, and realizing that I can't leave the bus there. I wake up feeling frustrated.
  For the rest of those 4 hours, it is just thought after thought---memory after memory. Oh sure, I mange to sleep a bit,  but the accumulative power of the distancing plus the darkness overwhelms me.
And then it all ends. The sun arrives, I prepare myself to leave the apartment to get my usual morning coffee---I leave---it is a beautiful morning---no humidity, and somehow the fear and abandonment that I experienced in the darkness is all gone. It is as if it never happened. How do you explain that?  
I still don't have a lot to do today, yet I am feeling warm and optimistic. How will it end? Must I simply accept the "dark' part of the night..? Will it get better when I can move around in the early evening, instead of being "stuck" at home? We will see.
  Wednesday morning I did get out--took the not very crowded 1 train to 145th, grabbed an ice coffee, at Hamilton's where most of the staff knows me--walked a block west to Riverside Park and read for a while. Really felt great. Sometimes, even just watching the people who pass---the joggers, couples, mothers or fathers with babies can seem fascinating---looking at  all the colors on their clothes--yes,
I really like that.
Finished the third novel in Auster's New York trilogy---all of them are real essays on loneliness, as well as mysteries that usually are revealed as "shaggy dog" stories. But it does not matter---the man writes so well---the imagination is really drawn in.
So, that is the report...let's see if today can be truly productive and fulfilling. Will report soon.

fascinating. I probably will return to that area today, to pay my internet bill.