trying to come to terms with canceling...

the colonoscopy again! This time by my own hand. Well, it had to be. Spoke to a friend at 6, who helped me prepare the mixture---then felt rootless and alone---too tired to go down to La Flaca, instead spent a decent but uninspiring time at the 106th street Dive---a cruddy grilled cheese sandwich did not help. Still, I like the place---came home---made a few phone calls and texts---only got one back which was encouraging---then got some sleep but by early morning was determined to not go through with the procedure. This was about 1:30. then around 4, awoke again feeling incredibly anxious. Did not know whee to turn---thought that NYC well might help me, really did not believe they would have a counselor available, but believe it or not---they did. She was very sympathetic---listened carefully to my conflicts, and though she somewhat pointed me towards continuing with the process, did not pressure me in any way. Spoke to her for an hour---felt much better when it was over, and then  decided to end the prep. Simply could not deal with being enclosed in the apartment all day. Somehow all the statements from others about how "easy" the whole experience is, means nothing to me. Finally at 6:30 went out for coffee, had some milk with my coffee which means that I 'pulled the plug" ---and the added a cheese danish to it, just to make sure I was disqualifying myself from the procedure. At 8, called up the hospital and canceled.

Will I ever do it? Who knows---what I learned from this is that the night before the day before I should surround myself with friends---no alienation at that time, and then take it from there. Lots of people want to give me support but--well, we will see. Anyway, now to focus on the week ahead!

On a different note--Jo Sullivan, the widow of the great composer-lyricist Frank Loesser has died.
I remember her so vividly as Amy (Rosabella) in The Most Happy Fella. Two great performances that I have never forgotten, playing off Art Lund (Joe) and Richard Torigi (Tony, the main character)
The two were exactly a year apart, the first at the Imperial and the second at the end of the musical's run at the Broadway. In a way, Most Happy Fella is my favorite of the "golden age musicals"---it probably would have run longer if My Fair Lady hadn't opened a few months earlier. Those two performances---they really stick in my mind, were great experiences.

So those were the choices I made---we will see how they play out.