so we cintinue....

3 free days---not great results. Yesterday went to Film Foruum,  bought a ticket to Natchez, the documentary---was gone in less then an hour. Why? Checked my osstmy bag right before sitting down---no issues, but soon after felt the swelling--had to return to bathroom to check it out after 15 minutes--but mens room was packed---another one of the four screens had lef out--so I returned---hoped for the best---not sitting near anyone so there would be no issue---but the movie---for all its god intentions, bored me. Took another shot at the mens room; this time empty, and yes, discovered that in a very short time, the bag had almost exploded. Did my work---felt no desire to return to the movie---so just headed home. A possible "disaster" had been averted---better to be back in the apartment. The whole thing left me very turned off on movies in general. Is it me--my own detachment---or the movie? No movie today--the extra weekend day.

A former student at Friends is in a play in Brooklyn---I had hoped to go---but with two hours to go it is not happening. Tried to take it easy in the morning--save my energy for the trip to the theater that is situated  on the Clinton Hill--Bedford Stuyvesant border, but the energy is just not there. Have some other performance options---actuallly not too many---but this begs the bigger question: will my body, at this point, allow me to make this trip? After a nap or a sleep at night, I feel very stiff---not hard to walk around the apartment and do what needs to be done---but to move from there to another area---don't know. It is around 5 and ahalf years since I was diagnosed, and in that time I have been to Brooklyn and its theaters many times, without any issues. But this is different. The Bushwick Starr---my favorite and most meaningful Brookyn theater has a play running there now---feel I should definitely go--- but when? Tutoring is busy--those days are eliminated---and then there are days like these---new, of course---but when the body just tells me it can't make it. Returning from Barnes and Noble, earlier, I asked mysef if this was going to be the new "normal" that is, less travel, more reading, less seeing plays or movies.I listen to me body---follow its leads---but I had hoped for more strength---particularly as the days are getting warmer.  

So what now? Finsih the "holiday" this evening, then gear into at least three days of work. No matter hoow the body is, have no trouble arriving at the library or giving 100 percent during the lessons. So let that happen, and see where te rest of the "chips" fall.

Thursday evening--reading the novel...

 The Namesake, the remarkable novel by Jhumpa Lihari. Really gets me involved. No work today---by design, but this is not the "rest" I would have hoped for. Wanted to move OUT---but my body dissappointed. Actually left the apartment this moorning at 5, because I was starving, and could not wait for Fairway to open at 6. So it's the corner grocery on 72nd and West End---braved the cold going south, not too bad, but returning to the apartment felt brutal gusts of wind in my face. Had to fight my way through it---took a lot of determination-but I did it. No food in the apartment again now---poor planning on my part---am hoping no appetite changes until the morning. Should hunger come---? Well, who's to say?

I stay in so much more now--is it my energy or is it simply the cold? For three days this week, my energy was low--but still accomplished my lessons. Today I had hoped for my energy---enough perhaps to take me to a movie or play---but it did not happen. After my return from the grocery I got very tired, and for the rest of the day, enrgy has been an issue. Will this get better as the temperature rises? Would  love to go to  Broooklyn or some place that is not upperwest side. Holiday approaches--an extra day---some possibilities.

Soo this is where I stand now. After so many months of chemo, will it really slow down my body? Hard to say---need to slow down---give it some time. Feel a tremendous need for ogange juice, perhaps should go out now.