Being Alone on New Year's Eve...

Should it make any difference? It shouldn't but it does. Even at what you might call my advanced age, the idea of being alone does not make me happy. Okay, let's examine why you aee in this place. One, it is freezing outside---to go to my friend's bar on Avenue C and ninth street would be foolhardy--could never negotiate it in this weather. Think about riding the crosstown bus (14 street) after midnight. Simpy too much. Secondly, I am experiencing the "torpor" that comes from (I guess) the chemo infusions I have been getting. Have they become more potent? This morning I was full of energy---got to the library on 145th near Amsterdam in good time---taught her 3 interger division---it really helped her---very constructive--and then the "torpor" took over---already have had two naps---now my body is painless, but not a lot of energy, About 4 hours now---have to tough it out.

I think part of the problem is that tomorrow is another infusion---my first in four weeks. 4 to 5 hours at the center, then "stuck" in the apartmendt for the rest of the day. Plenty to read, and some cd's to listen to, but that day is always problematic.. Still, stuck in the aparmtment. Well, there are two Mozart concerts this weekend at te Philharmonic--that is something to look forward to--will sit in the lobby and watch the concerts on the screen that streams them.  Hope it will be possible.

It was not always thus. New Year's Eve 9-20---at La Flaca---lots of contact. Some good convesations. La Flaca was my "go to" place for this day, especially after South fourth closed in 18, Before that, I might begin at South Fourth, hop in the J around 10;30 and hit La Flaca. Sometimes it was just trying to wait things out---othertimes, meaningful. Would leave the bar at around 12:30, take the F, and then the D and then the 1 back to the apartment. Subays crowded but very safe---no issues

Ofcourse in the heady end days of 2019---who could predict the "horror" that was to come---that would change everything. That barrier which I had to cross. It will be six years in March. So much of my life has changed.  Now what? Will end this now, perhaps report on the continuum soon.

Saturday morning...

Strange morning. At 4 40 A.M. I awake with a strong feeling of hunger. I did not expect this, and I have no food in my ice box--a really focused preparation for the storm---right? Anyway, what shall I do? Wait for Fairway to open in about an hour, or get some food at the grocery store on 72nd and West End that stays open all night. I try to reason with my stomach, but the fact is, that it owns me. So I get dresses and try to make it to the four blocks. And believe it or not, I scceed. I move decently through the snow, get my cream cheese on a croissant (they had no bagels) and return to  apartment unscathed.

But since then, my body refuses to renew that energy that made it possible for me to get to the grocery store. So here I am--hopefully not another day stuck in the apartment, but not sure what kind of energy level I have and what it will allow me to do. And of course, the snow adds to the situation. During the last few weeks, I feel like my body is slower--I am more at the mercy of it. Of course, this usually happens when my day is "free"---despite this problem, I never miss or cancel a tutoring session. I have my next infusion on Thursday (yes, New Year's morning) and should discuss this with the nurses who administer the medication. Is it simply too much? How does my body deal with it?

And what of today?  what will I be "allowed" to do? Not sure...may return with information later.

The "slope"

 December 1968---trying to find myself. A friend and his wife have just moved to this strange area in Brookyn. They are always having company, so they invite me over for the evening. I am on Irving Place in Manhattan. "Take the F train" they tell me, and get off at the 7th Avenue station (this is Brooklyn, remember) then walk about 7 blocks to Garfirld Place and find their apartment. And so I do it---a journey to a strange land. ONly the second time on the F--when the train becomes an elevated and circles near Smith Street, I wonder if I am really on some surreal journey.  Finally I arrive. I know nothing about the neighborhood. But 8th avenue towards my destination is pretty deserted--those people I see walkkng on it seem very non threatening. But it is quiet and somewhat eeroie; finally I reach my destination, a brownstone on Garflield Place,between 8th Avenue and the park. My friend and his wife are paying 90 dollars a month for a large floor through. I visit wih them, then return to my apartment in Manhattan. 

I don't remember anyone referring to the immediate neighborhood as Park Slope. Did that come later. Actually soon after this journey I make several visits, not just to my friend, but I am in a therapy group that every other week meets in one of the participants house, and several members of the group live there. We are all in our early to mid twenties. The neighborhood becomes more and more familiar. Yet nobody crosses sixth avenue---everyone settles in close to the park. Two years later my ex wife and myself tell a close friend about the neighborhood---we take him there---he is enchanted and immediately moves to an aparmtne   on Berkeley Place and later buys a brownstone on Saint Johns Place between 7th and 8th. Other friends and acquaintances gravitate to the area.  Now a visit is pretty normal. By the mid seventies I am in the area a couple of times a month. Nobody dares go or taks about going to  the "other side" of Flatbush,  an almost completey Carribean neighborhood. 

My friend buys his brownsone on Saint Johns Place for about 270 thosand dollarrs. This is around 1974. In 1988, he will sell it for around 800,000 dollars. Two girl friends, sevearl mornings waking up in Park Slope and returning home, or to work. And then" nothing.

So it goes---my firsr encounter with the area---post pandemic I think I have been in "the Slope" maybe two or three times---not a lot in what will soon by six years.  By the mid eighties, people I know are living near 5th Avenue, a once dangerous area.--they are mostly the next geneation, in their twenties. It comes as no surprise to most New Yorkers that fourth Avneue has been gentrified---I even checked out a bar once on 3rd, Ah Brookyn---how you have changed. The last time I was there, I wandered west from 8th Avenue to 7th, looking at all the Brownstones, remembering the "cool" that the neighborhood once was considered as. You see it all, the nurses, social workers, actors, real estate people, all in their twenties and thirties, all thinking that the "Slope" reflected their individuality. Now a world of "what"? Complacency. acquried wealth. Leave it alone. Accept the present for what it is.

Hey, "two out of three ain't bad"

Was able to attend the Christmas assembly and the after party at Friends, yesterday---all aruund a terrific afternoon. Recognized by lots of faculty members at the Assembly---very gratifying---still, as I was sitting there, taking it all in, felt a kind of sadness for not being able to be "part of the community" more often. What to do? Is it possible, with all the tutoring that I have, to spend more time at Friends. Not really---and under what circumstsances. According to the  administration, or some part of it, I am not welcome as a worker (i.e. substitute). Still I have never received a written statement from the school that I cannot work there. Since I am always welcomed when I come back for an assembly or a play, or a reunion day, I don't feel like playing with that. That is how it stands now--can it chaStinge? Do I want it to?  At the moment, simply suspended in mid air. Still, had some great convesations at Little Rascal, the bar where the afterparty was held. Not much more to say.

So the third Friends experience was to see an off off Broadway play that a graduate of Friends was in. Closing tomorrow---I simply did not feel strong enough to go this evening. One more chance, tomorrow afternoon, though I don't think I will make it---I hate (for some reason) being at closing performances. The former student, a woman, is very talented and building a career in the city---I am sure I will have other chances to see her. I watch the cast lists on the various theater web sites like a hawk. 

Spent the "free day" mostly in the apartment, though I did get to Lincoln Center Library in the afternoon. Read, for about the third time the essay on Hamlet contained in the book by Princeton Professor Rodhe Lewis. The essay is extremely stimulating---helps me as I tty to "get at" Hamlet. Other published plays that I looked at , but none that I decided to take out. Currently reading a biography of James I of England, the King who replaced Elizabeth I. Shakespeare wrote his four major tragedies during the first years of James; reign. I should be reading other books about England while Shakespeare was writing his plays, but I have put it off somehow. What don't I want to know.

Longing to see a movie, but hard to get out in this really cold weather.  Also must obey the messages that my body gives me.  So tomorrow could be anything.

"Trapped" in my apartment...

 Sunday evening---of course--must stay in---it is freezing out. Any point in going out to a movie in this weather---impossible---have to protect myself.

Just let in a delivery person from, I guess, Amazon---they  always ring my bell---on the second floor---really did not want to respond, but it was cold out there---might have been someone from the apartment who lost his or her key---that has happened before---anyway, it moved me from reflection to "action'--even the demands it makes on my body are different. 

Anyway, what else? Attended the Friends Seminary winter play, yesterday evening--had the energy to go there---it was Hamlet---yes, believe it or not. Still some students in it whom I worked with---but basically from a social standpoint an uneventful evening. One of three activities in the next week that will mean interacting with the Friends community or at least one person from it. Some anxiety there, but yesterday was basically uneventful. How was the production of Hamlet? Well, it has given me a lot to think about---going over the play in my mind, looking at all of its contradictions. The text, even when delivered by High School students is so stimulating. Part of the duality of my life at this moment. My work is with the students at the library with who I tutor math, but at home, my memories, interests, are all about theater. Can U resolve this? Do I want to? 

Holidays approach--no real plans---will do some tutoring (many students will have vacation packets) and try to get out a bit. Some trips to Brooklyn, if possible. I have long promised myself a trip back to the apartment house I was raised in, 620 Thwaites Place in the Bronx, but have not done it yet. Like Hamlet, I hesitate. 

All for noow.

To cntinue....

 The forecast is cold for tomorrow. Have some tasks to do---pick up my ostony supplies from the Pharmacy on 122nd and 3rd avene. Can I make the trek from my apartment on the upper west side to Spanish Harlem in this cold weather. Usually a good adventure---I take the cross town bus and the at Madison and 70th street switch to the bus that goes north to 122nd street, Still many changes after 96 strxuryeet, but not as much as there used to be. Lots of luxury buildings on the way---several on 125th street, even one near the new library that is close to 2nd Avenue. I love that library--feel very much at home in it. But may put "the journey" off for a day---can't see myself carrying the supplies in the cold---Tuesday might be much better.   

I have two planned trips to Friends in the next two weeks. Next week is the winter play---Hamlet---beieve it or not---interested to see what they make of it, though kind of heavy for a high school. Then the Friday after I will return for the Christmas Assembly and semi-reunion---looking forward to those events, but not without some ambivalence. Do I belong there or not? Still have not resolved that. Still, must play it out---let it happen---see what evolves. 

Moving through time.....

 Has two meanings. Today is first Sunday after infusion---still trying to get messages from it letting me know what is possible. Moving back and forth between resting and reading (English history). But on a second level, I find myself constantly considering the time since the pandemic began---six years ago---yes, six years ago from the coming March.  A journey---a voyage from one kind of life to another--trying to understand, and possibly mourn for, what my life was before March 16, 2020. A gap of time. In the weeks before the pandemic I was very active---had no inkling that a few months later they would find the cancer in me. And that changed everything---or did it? Much less energy now---has to be "husbanded" but also my exit from the world of subbing at Friends---not one I had planned for---and my "reinvention" as a full time turor. For better or worse? I miss the comradeship that I received at Friends---do not have that any more---adds to my isolation at times---yet I have also discovered a much greater "wholeness" as a tutor.