A waiting day...

 A day like no other. Tomorrow is my cat scan---1:30 to be exact! That will reveal the nature of the growth that was discovered in the colonoscopy. Today (at least in theory) I exist simply to move into the next day. Yet a little while ago I was sitting outside the coffee shop on Broadway near 77th street, reading Suite Frsancaise and feeling so excited by the way it absorbed me. A kind of "love" synergy between myself and the book. I wanted nothing more than to be right where I was.

Now, back in the apartment, I try to piece together what the rest of the day will be like. Another trip outside to read, since the last one was so fulfilling. Possibly? WQXR's Mozart festival continues, although it is possible to go to the station web site and find yourself listening to another composer's work, not Mozart. Although the station advertises that mostly Mozart will be played, sometimes they just put on the first work of the hour by Mozart, and then forget about him completely. Still, it is better than nothing, and there are some really interesting music that will be played. So I return to it, hour after hour, hoping to catch the one meaningful Mozart piece that the station allows.

This morning, at around 3 A.M. woke up, remembered the day, and had a half fantasy-half dream. Full of rage, I saw myself as a homeless, Viet Nam war veteran, walking through the city, screaming at the top of my lungs. Screaming what..? Gobbledegook, anger? This man was alienated and crazy. The whole image was so strong, it upset me; I had to reign it in. So what did it mean? I am neither homeless, nor did I serve in Viet Nam. Who was this explosive creature I had put my identity into? It probably represented the rage that I felt, especially at that time, at being hemmed in by the day. That is the conrtradiction of being awke at 3 or 4 in the morning. I seem to be my at my strongest, yet, of course, but where does one put all that energy at that time. Passion trapped in the apartment! So it goes.

And so we move closer and closer to tomorrow. Will report how it goes.....