rest and redemption..

that is what happened since the last post. The stomach problems persisted even after leaving the library, so I returned home very tired. Remember, the nigh before I had not slept much. Sleep, amazingly enough, came easily to me---slept on and off for 3 hours, and seemed to make up for lost time. By the time I awoke, the cramps had dissipated a great deal and the rest of the day, I was weak but mellow.
  Still, with the situation I was in, a long trip from the apartment was impossible, instead I took the novel that I was reading (Afternoon of a Faun, by James Lasdun) and went first to the coffee place on 79th street (Irving Farms) and then to the Barnes and Noble nearby.
  79th and Broadway, a place that is part of my legend. Did you know that a young woman whom I had a terrible crush on at Science lived there? Her name was Judy (middle name Terry, don't know why I remember that) and the crush came from sitting next to her in Junior year in Dr. Mannheim's English class. Then seats were changed and I was crushed. School year ended, I went away to camp (Camp Musicland on the Bard College Campus)  and that summer, all I could think about was seeing and being with her in the fall. The big building on 79th and Broadway, that was where she lived, and as someone living in the Bronx, the idea of going there--the life there at that point was much more diverse then now--fascinated me. Of course, it did not happen---for some reason, she did not share my feelings---nevertheless my "longing" for her continued through the year, and even after. Why? What did she really have to offer me?  Can't say, only know that the one time we actually walked together after school---to the subway--even as she was saying she did not want to date me--made me feel a kind of "link" with her.--a "coolness" that I deeply desired. In the four years of college that followed, I made a few attempts at contacting her---they never really worked. Still, I could not erase her from  my mind.
  Epilogue, spring 1979---I am living three blocks away from 79th and hanging out in a neighborhood bookstore. A woman approaches me, asks me where she knows me from---high school or college. It is Judy, she is now married and lives in Canada---she comes off very friendly, her mind seems to have erased the unease she felt at knowing how much I wanted to date her. A strange conversation, as we talk, my mind is  channeling my memories of her--perhaps even my "hunger" for her, while at the same time focusing on this woman who for some reason seems so anxious to touch base at the given moment, but has no memory of how much I wanted her then.. Did I remind her of the past? No, I was "cool"and friendly--more amazed at this event then anything else. .
  I never saw her again---yet that space--79nth and Broadway is a memory landmark.
  Much more comfortable this morning---have a session at 3, maybe that is why---structure is so important. Anyway, feeling kind of upbeat, not sure of what the evening will bring--will report soon.