All Dressed Up....

 and "nowhere to go." that seems to be where I am right now---Christmas Eve--in the past two days have tutored 6 sessions---some very fulfilling ones, and here I am now with tonight and tomorrow free---I promised myself that I would see at least 2 movies during this time---there are about 15 interesting possibilities in the city---but am somewhat lethargic, as 6 o'clock rears its ugly head, and I don't know if I have the energy to stick it through a movie yet I long to get out the apartment! Coffee---somewhere---someplace---oh well--so where do we go from here. 

Remembering a Christmas Eve spent first in Bushwick and then at South Fourth---must have been 15 or 16--no, I think it was 14, Lots of fun conversation---bartender Merlin at South Fourth had several friends in--a playwright from the middle east---we worked on a crossword puzzle together---then joined by others, including another young female playwright whose career has become a major one. Now South fourth is no more---the Cobra Club in Bushwick is too far away---and I am here.  Lower energy, but of course that is the result of extra years---the illness---and other things.

Returned to Friends on Friday for their Christmas Assembly--recongnized by many---nice words from a couple of boys from the graduating class who remembered my subbing for them. nice since that will be 5 years in March. Still feel both welcome and unwelcome there---not trying to work it out now, but I would like to integrate myself more in the community then I am now. Afterwards, stayed around and saw a fascinating production of The Merchant of Venice at CSC. My friend played Shylock--we spoke afterwards and I also spoke to the director, who appreciated my comments. Nice being part of that environment again---felt I belonged, and had something to say. Wanted to see the final play at the Soho rep venue on Walker Street, but could not get to it, Maybe one theater visit was exciting enough for the weekend.

So here we are---still restless and tired---not the best combination, But will report soon.

Sunday morning---9 days later....

 Yesterday night---returned to BAM (why returned?) to see Flako's installation, Mercedes, a memorial to his amazing grandmother, who raised him in Bushwick and was an inspiration to so many others that she interacted with. Her last days were dominated by dimensia, and a documentary at the center of the presentation goes into that in depth. Glad I went: lots of contact and conversations with other people---somethng that my life had been lacking the rest of the week--why...? Many hours of tutoring which meant returning to the apartment feeling very tired--then simply grabbing a prepared meal at Fairway or Citarella and after eating, usually falling asleep. Awake around 10 or 11, then web browsing then....anyway, it was refreshing to talk to people---including Joey, a person who knew me from the indie theater days of the pre pandemic. Lots of memories shared--after the presentation, the production had created a healing room at the Fisher, so I spent some time there---did some writing, actually and then went to Fulton bar to watch basketball and gorge on an iceberg wedge salad. One of the mental health representatives who was part of the project offered me a take home from Meals on Wheels.(this was at the Healing room, not the bar) ; I rejected it--told her that an elderly persn more needy then I  should receive it. Still maintained my independance.

Per last report: did actually go to the Met and see Die Frau Ohne Schatten---at least the first act (a long first act) of it. Memories flooded back to me as I was listening to this amazing music.  October 66--23 years old---trying to put things together---my opera fanatic days---going to the Met on a Sunday evening to see an obscure Strauss Opera--expecting simply to absorb it--remember the fantastic production--the amazing performance of Christa Ludwig in the pivotal role of the Dyer's wife, and the yelling and screaming of the audience at the end of the opera--we had all discovered and participated in something that was uniqe and brilliant. Saw it two more times that season--all about trying to find myself---so last Friday I found myself overwhelmed with perhaps the memory of my own vulnerability in the Fall of 66. Simply too much to deal with so I could not let myself continue at the opera. Grabbed a coffee and cookie at the nearby Gefffen Hall lobby--relieved to return totally there to the present. Same feeling as I listened to part of yesterday's broadcast of the opera--had to shut it off at times---the music--its sound, is totally unique to me--nothing else like it. 

Tired today--will rest a bit--coffee with some young friends who live upstairs from me--should be mellow and interesting Not sure how the rest of the day will turn out..will report soon.

A Thanksgiving to "Remember"

 A really strange day. No visit to my relatives on Park Place in Brooklyn, since they decided to do Thanksgiving on the 15th. I was there---it was fun. No problem with no plans, since I had many sessions with the the three days previous, and wanted a "blank" day. So one movie choice--what would it be...?  Nahan-ism, at the Quad-a documentary about a 90 year old man who joined the victorious American army in 45, only to be stationed in Nurenberg and assigned to guard Nazi war criminals awaiting trial. Of course, Nathan was Jewish too, so you had a Jew guarding and interacting with the very men who were the architects of the Holocaust. But Nathan was also a spontaneous artist, and as he guarded, he made etchings of the prisoners who he interacted with.  A harsh, brutal immersion into the brutality of the Holacaust with other issues as Nathan's followers in the present attempt to verify his claim to being there. I felt immersed in the horror but undrestood that was what I had chosen--left feeling that I had experienced something very intense.

Returned to the apartment---feeling very tired---aware that on this Thanksgiving with many others celebrating together that I was alone. Had my meal--the computer ready, but for some reason I refused to open it. Spent the next 10 or so hours resting--or sleeping--would wake up feeling "blank" Would not te-open the computer--could have easily done so and checked out the football scores or visited other sites--but did not. Why? Did I feel I was only being "fair" to the movie by not moving my imagination in another way. Thought of this incredible juxtaposition: Thanksgiving and the Holocaust--somewhat amazing.

Friday morning--it is over now--calm returns--as do the visits to the web sites that I usually visit. Today--possibly a free day--maybe on session---tonight the Met has an opera which I am very familiar with---Strauss' Die Frau Ohne Schotten---not sure if I want to live through it--but as I look at the schedule of performances this one seems the only one I can be sure of attending.  Oh well---"problems, problems" can be solved soon.

So it is three weeks later---

 I don't think that I wanted to wrtte anything since the election. But have just returned from Geffen Hall, where I sat in the lobby while Bronfman was playing Beethoven's 3rd piano concerto. Amazing! Just what I needed this evening---the brilliance of Beethoven. Nice go be able to sit in the lobby---in a chair by myself---and simply get the performance from the live feed that the Philharmonic now supplies. Great way to see a concert---one just hears the one piece one wants to and then can move on. In this case, after the intermission the Orchestra performed a symphony by Nielsen---and I had no desire to hear it--plus I was incredibly tired ---so time to go home.

Waiting for the bus on 66th and Broadway, noticed a woman traveling with a walker. On a closer look I realized this was a woman named Susan---a close friend of mine during my last year of high school. I walked over to her to say hello---but somehow she did not respond--on the bus, also, she looked straight ahead---I followed her on, but did not say hello---leave it alone. Yet there she was, this woman whom I once shared thoughts with about  friend of her who I dated for awhile. Memories of those conversations with her so specific--where are they now? 

Had two great sessions this morning with two very different children---the first--a shy third grader,s struggling with her math skills, the second a lively fifth grade boy with a good mind---we worked on fractions and decimals. Felt very vital with both of them.Lots of sessions ahead---even with the holiday weekend approaching.

Nobody seems to be talking about the coming administration--all conversation seems to be "normal"--that is life just seems to be moving on. A radio station lauds the fall weather---theater and concert schedules into the first three or four months of the new year seem to present a world oblivious of any changes that this new administration will cause.

Tomorrow mostly a free day. Still would love to catch up on some movies---well can do that on Thanksgiiving, since the Thanksgiving that I usually spend with my cousins has already passed. We had it last Friday because some relatives did not with to travel on or around the holiday. Makes sense--actually looking forward to a quiet day at home,

Restless night...Halloween over

 Around 4:30. Have slept enough---my body wide awake, or at least functioning somewhat normally. Me at the computer. I go to the maps of the Bronx---for some reason my brain (vision) wants to explore Echo Place. Echo Place is a small street that simply appears out of another street, near the Grand Concourse in the Bronx. My uncle Henry and Aunt Celia lived on Echo place---from time to time our family visited then---those were always "nice" visits--there is a park nearby, called Echo Park and I remember playing there with some other neighborhoo't td children, But at that time the area was all white and overwhelmingly Jewish. Now, of course, it is almost completely black and Hispanic, working class. What do I remember most when I see the picture of the street on the map? Safety--a calm neighorhood, totally non violent. Would I go there now? About three weeks ago on a Saturday afternoon, I "wandered" around a few streets about half a mile south of Echo Place. I was the only white person there, and yes, I got some "looks". So I don't think I will visit Echo Place soon---or maybe I will---or should.

Memory--a hunger for "what"? I see my childhood in those streets, the visits to my relatives, many of whom lived in that area. I see my three years at Bronx Science in those streets because so many of the students in the class of 60 lived either on, or in close proximity to the Grand Concourse. But how does one put the two worlds together? An integration that seems impossible. If I returned to Echo PLace now, say on a Saturday afternoon, with everyone out and about, I would still feel as if I did not belong---but I don't. Just as when I walk on Nostrand Avenue in Brooklyn, north, from Eastern Parkway to Fulton Street I understand that twenty or thirty years ago, I would have felt very uncomfortable on those street, now I am "pretty good" with it---no real apprehension.  So where does that leave me? 

Close to 5 A.M. in an hour, I can visit the coffee cart a block and a half away from where I live---make my first contact of the day. Their coffee can at times be "awful" but at $2.00. it offers something reasonable financially for this time. That's all.

Another Sunday morning....

 Where do we go from here? Woke up feeling strange...alone...odd dreams from the night--now having had my coffee, and wandered a bit around the upper west side, am trying to figure out what to do with the day. An interesting theater project in Brookyn at the Brick--but that is at 5; do I want to build my day around that. Bronx Doc has two documentaries that are interesting, but that means going to the Bronx--the space is located in a working class mostly black and Hispanic neighborhood---I have been there before--actually pre pandemic many times, and always had a meaningful time, but do I want to take a deep dive into the Bronx. Maybe just hit my friend's bar at 1 and immerse myself in pro football for a few hours, and figure it out from there. Or what about visiting the Center for Fiction in Brooklyn and just reading---I really like that. Yes---choice after choice---but where am I in all this?

Two play reports: Last Sunday--Our Class at CSC--a really brilliant afternoon of theater-a "holocaust" play---very strong--a great cast and a brilliantly conceived production. Very stimulating. Yesterday night,went to a production of Twelth Night at a small theater in the west village. A very focused and coherent production of the play---excellent ensemble acting---I actually thought this was a musical version of the play---it isn't---but successful nevertheless. Always would like to see a production in which Orsino and Malvolio are played by the same actor---but probably won't, But that is the great thing about Shakesepeare---it can always be explored. The theater was actually an off Broadway theater during the "first era" of off Broadway (about 55 to 67)--I remember seeing a production of Behan's The Hostage there probably during my second year at Hopkins (Christmas vacation) 

That's it for now---will try to figure things out--a very busy week ahead with many students, then infusion, then visits to theaters in Brooklyn already committed for Saturday and Sunday evening. Stay tuned.

Gather your thoughts....

 so many "voyages" in the last few days. Yesterday, a walk on a placid street in Washington Heights, followed by a documentary about summer of 65 at the Film Festival---yes, I finally made it! But am I better for it? Obsessing about getting into a film showing at the Festival sometimes is more interesting then aactually going to it  But there I was-at 7;15 last night--plenty of seats available for the semi-documentary entitled TWSD---named after the Beatles song from the early sixties. Interesting documentary--juxtaposes the Beatlle "mania" of the teen age girls as the band arrives for its August 65 visit to NY and its performances at Shea Stadium with the Watts riots in LA and the sentiment of black citizens living in Harlem at the time. Then back to three young women--all white and privieged---on their way to the Beatle concert at Shea. Interesting---though the final segment--see above---seemed to go on for too long. Still not sure what the creator of the movie--he wrote and directed it---meant by the juxtaposition of the two worlds. No talk afterwards---on the way back to my apartment, longed for someone to have a dialogue with about the movie, but this did not happen. Tomorrow is the Festival's final day---hope to see one or two movies that are showing--also hope to check out at least one George Stevens movie at the Film Forum---also tomorrow--a day off. Can I do it? Will I? Stay tuned.

Today going to see a matinee of a play at CSC. Our Class--a serious play about a group of Jews and non Jews who grew up together before World War II as friends, and how the war changed them. Long and intense--my friend Richard is one of the ensemble. He plays the oldest person in the group---I met him around 89 when he was just out of Brown---he did several readings for me, while I was doing them. Now he plays the elder. Well time moves. Had been promising myself that I would check the play out soon, and finally made the move yesterday morning when I reserved my seat. Afterwards.depending on my energy, may go to my friend's bar on Avenue C and ninth and watch football and maybe the first Met playoff game. Will have to see how I feel.

Two days off in a row---does not happen too often---then back to the "grind" which means probably no night life choices. Would like to change that...can I?