Monday morning---some free time

 while I wait for my trip to the library to tutor this afternoon. This afternoon will be different, however, since I have cut my time to just work with one student. Why? I am invited to a GALA by the TEAM, a theater group that I have follwed since the mid oughts. I don't like to cancel sessions---in fact I very rarely do, but this is a chance to interact with people whom I have not seen since before the pandemic happened. Like last Saturday when I gave up a few teaching hours to go to a surprise party for a friend from South fourth days, seeing old friends for the first time in more than three years, should be revelatory. This was a world that I was once very much a part of---I saw everyone's theater work--the community knew me as someone who was excited by "indie theater" and supportive. Many good conversations---now all that has stopped---my life is shaped so differently now---so returning to the world of my theater friends seems a bit jarring. But I will be there at the space in Dumbo, where the GALA is taking place.

Sunday, yesterday, a slow day---tried to see Sea Gull at the New Group but was not successful. Not necessary to explain why---so I headed to the Drama Book Store where I continued to read the original play  Merrily We Roll Along.. I am really enjoying it---its dialogue by Kaufman and Hart is very sharp. All the anticedents of the Sondheim musical are right there---sometimes I am amazed at how close the musical followed these characters. I have one more act to read which I will finish the next time I hit the store.Its a great store; filled with plays that are being put on off and on Broadway right now. Can try to catch up on the post pandemic plays, and there are many of them, that i missed. Afterwards I wondered whether I should go to Brooklyn and travel there or hit my friends bar on ninth and C, but I was tired so I returned home. Rested a bit, then went to the movie theater at Lincoln Center and saw Drylongo, a movie made in 1998 by a black film maker named Culleen Smith. Very interesting portrait of a middle class black neighborhood in Oakland at that time. The central character is a rebellious college freshman who is intent on photographing as many black young man as she can. Great to look at;  the camera travels around the neighborhood and shows a lot; the story is always interesting.

That's it time to move on, though not sure exactly where. Not many tasks this moriing, so I will just have to wait it out until the party. WIll report soon. 

a long time....

 since I posted--it is now about 4 A.M. on wednesday 3/22. Heat is off---apartment is cold--heater is working but it means more cost to Con Ed in  a few weeks.  Temperature around 45---just around fringe area for heat though i am not sure if boiler is actually on. Of course, cannot call anyone now---if no heat by around 7:30 will contact handyman. Disgusting! 

 So I am up---usually have a lot of energy in the morning---since the last post, I must admit my energy has been very strong--have had no trouble with tasks or being totally alive for my students---but when the sessions are over the body is very tired. So no plays, movies, concerts or operas in the evening. Reading prices on a web site that reports buying and selling of property in Brooklyn---prices have now exploded upward; I wanted to title this report: watching the world fall apart in front of me. Formerl middle class neighborhoods in Brooklyn---Kensington and Windsor Terrace I remember when those neighborhoods were practically forgotten--now have houses selling for  textremely high prices. I am watching the city evolve through a sixty year lens, and there is an overpowering sense of enormous money at the top. As I walk through the brownstone streets of the upper west side, or think about parts of Brooklyn, my memory fades  back to days of cheap apartments---accessability--how anybody could choose to live where he or she wanted. And now, this horrible aggressiveness. 

What next? Just surviving through the next two hours, I guess. Avastan influx tomorrow morning--apartment cleaned soon (it really needs it) and continuing on the "treadmill" of my schedule. Actually that is not  fair---I am getting a lot of satisfaction from my input to my students. Leaving the libraries feeling fulfilled. Well, that is something to consider---will report soon.

A "lost" Sunday....

 Almost three years to the date that the city closed down---actually four days away. But now is a different time and the city is alive with choices--plays, movies, bus rides through the streets of the different boroughs, book stores, coffee shops---but today I may not experience any of those things. Why? Because physically I am "beat". Yesterday, I had three students---worked exrtremely hard with them, felt very creative and viable, but came homeand could do nothing. Body tired---some stomach pain--rest, then non rest. And today, probably the same. My brain wants to move all over the city---my body is challenging me to stay at home, or atleast not to go too far. Fatigue---and plan for tomorrow where I have at least three, probably four students. Somehow I feel that when I wake up tomorrow my body will follow through on the plan of the day---but today...?

So life continues---mostly two or three sessions with my students, followed by a return to the apartment and "hanging out". Do not see that changing in the next few weeks--it means my best laid plans of seeing plays (there are so many of them now in the city) will probably not happen. I admire my own creativity and my ability to communicate with the kids I am helping, but can I have some other life as well?  Not, it seems at the moment.

Friday past, a day off: in the afternoon a new film from France about young actors training at a perstigious French drama school. Very intense, very dynamic, and a great central performance by a young Polish actress---can't say her name now--but very striking. That evening, returned to Geffen Hall to sit in their lobby and watch on the large TV screen Michael Tilson Thomas leading the orchestra in his own work and the Schubert's ninth. The Schubert is an amazing piece---ideas after ideas come at you with incredible force--just the way the piece is orchestrated is amazing. I think one could say this piece is the final statement of the Classical era---that is the symphonies and works of Haydn, Mozart, Beethoven---the Schubert makes even a greater statement for me then Beethoven's ninth symphony. No vision left after that. Schumann and Mendelsohn started a new vision---a little more eclectic and in shorter time--but everything breaks off after Schubert. Thomas and the orchestra did a great job---I am really happy I experienced it..

Body still tired---will try to figure out what is possible for the rest of the day.

the next morning....

the body is back---the strength is there. The mornings seem to be the time that I have the most energy; that my body is closest to what it was before the pandemic and before the illness was diagnosed. So what does this mean...? What have I learned from this?  Well, that it might be natural for my body to fall into a "fatigue fit" after the hours at the library when I tutor That I should just deal with it as somethng that right now is normal. The ventilation on the second floor, the children's floor of the library is awful and i have to wear a sweater to shield my ostomy bag. Trying to look at the whole thing in perspective---to see a 24 hour cycle that includes both strength and intense fatigue. Maybe that will work At any rate, feeling good at this moment.

The "work-home" cycle must continue. That means my chances of seeing a play or movie or concert after two or three hours of students probably is impossible. That means basically Sunday is my only free day. It is a grind, but I have made the comittment and both the kids and the parents trust me so it must continue in the near fufutre. Too bad, I would love to go to Sunset Park in Brooklyn and see Target Margin's production of Pericles--and an actor (actually two) is in the New Group's version of the Sea Gull. Can I make it---don't know, but no real plans ahead, everything depends on my energy at the moment. Lots of interesting films promised at the New Films from France program at the movies at Lincoln Center. Maybe I can catch one or two of these. A lot of promises---we will see if they can be played out. 

A Strange Evening (not yet over)

 Having completed two tutoring sessions, and feeling good about it, all of a  sudden stricken with what I would describe as a "lethargy fit". Walking back to the subway on 145th street my body seemed to want to collapse into itself. A very strong feeling---I was able to grab a sandwich from the CVS near my home and make it back. For the next four hours, a kind of seesaw---feeling weak, but able to go out and get some coffee and ice cream while that was going on. Now a few hours later, my body seems half way back---I am unable to sleep (I have tried it) and I feel too weak to go out. But where would I go? To my friends bar on Avenue C and ninth street? To Bushwick, and the Cobra Club, my pre-pandemic "haunt"? Can't do it. So I sit here, trying to exist in this physical "half_world". Did the fatigue come from a very active morning? Or from climibing up 3 flights of stairs during my tutoring sessions? How much can my body take? Not much to do, just wait it out---I have three students tomorrow, and I want to be there for them.

The city is awash in "culture"---plays, movie festivals, opera concerts---what more could one ask. Three years ago at this very time, it was very similar--now these gluts of off Broadway plays and the other events seem to even be more then  March of 2020--before the city closed down. But it does not matter---I may dream of attending these events, but all I can do is observe---the tutoring exhausts me and even if  I don't feel the fatigue that I feel now, it is hard for me to go far away from the apartment. So I accept the fact that I will mostly be an observer of the scene. When I have more time, I can always go to the Drama bookstore, and read the plays that I missed---that are being performed now.

Much more to discuss but it seems like my body is tiring again. Maybe this time I can sleep. We shall see, hopefully I can report soon.

Return to WIlliamsburg....

 Yesterday afternoon---a free day---promised myself I would visit my friend Bob's bar, on Avenue C and ninth--did so, after spending an about an hour at the Drama Bookstore--very crowded, could not find a place to sit down--nevertheless browsed all of that time,  and promised myself to return and read some plays. Want to read Adrienne Kennedy's Ohio State Murders and for some reason seem attracted to the plays of Stephen Levenson--the screen writer who did a terrific job on Tick Tick Boom. Then off to Bobby's---the mild air of yesterday seemed easy to negotiate---stayed for about an hour---very quiet around 3 in the afternoon---just relaxed looking at the sports program (no game) on the large TV---Bob and his girl friend Megan arrived a little later, and I "hung" with them. What next? Still had plenty of time for a movie---fought with myself but challenged myself to navigate Bedford Avenue---the main drag of Williamsburg closest to Manhattan. So jumped on the L train one stop east and there I was. Subway was packed---arrived on Bedford and North 7th---seemed like hordes of people coming and going on the street. Almost trampled. Moved south---starving---able to grab a pizza slice at Whole Foods--then continued south to Grand Street---the dividing line between north and south Williamsburg, but at this point, not much else. That part of Williamsburg has completely morphed into a "white playground"---I suppose not much different from my last trips in 2019, but still shocked at the self important energy of the people on the street. 

After Grand, the streets were quieter---figured  I would walk south to South Fourth and then right to Berry--the path I had taken so oftern as I went to South fourth from 07 to its closing in 18, Terrible sense of familiarity as I thought of the trip---almost like returning home. Between Grand and South fourth, lots of bars--more then before---and speciality restaurants. Finally made the right turn. Passed a new bar--Keg and Lantern in the middle of the street---looked like somewhere I might like to go---the proceeded to the corner of south fourth and Berry where the coffee shop---bar used to be. Now another bar-restaurant---not a coffee place---but closed. Contiued south on Berry---some old stores amidst the new luxury high rises that seem to dominate the area--but Bembe and East River bars, seemed to have survived. Now to the subway on Marcy Avenue and Broadway and a return home. M train seemed to wait forever before stopping at Delancey Street---some glitches on the way back to my apartment on the upper west side, but persevered and made it. Body exhausted--two portions of vanilla yogurt with cookie dough, my reward for the long journey. Fell asleep quickly, around 8 P.M.

My longest journey since the pandemic and my illness diagnosis. Looking at it now---at 4:30 the next morning, somewhat amazed by its length and "vision". I promised myself on the train, as it left the Marcy Avenue Station, that this summer, as my work load decreased, I would take many more. "A Passion for Travel! as cityboy desires to explore every corner of the city! Do I? 

 Almost five A.M.---need some coffee---none in the apartment. Will go to the grocery soon. Today I fulfill my promise to see The Sign in Sidney Brustein's Window at BAM. Nothing to do before that---will try to "husband " my energy--mostly stay around the apartment. Tomorow at least 3 sessions as life returns to normal. I remember the play's struggle to stay alive in 64; I did not see it then but read it this summer--kind of awed by its totally explosive passion--a playwright's hunger to let go---will see how this  production is faithful to that vision. will report soon.

burned out....

 after 11 sessions this week and more to come. Yes, i am very fond of the children whom I tutor, but it seems like I have nothing else in my life. True?  We will see--not sure if I will be teaching today or not---waiting to hear from a parent---but it does not matter. Ironically, as I imagined a day with no sessions, I could not come to terms with what I should do. Lots of theater choices---or I could hang out at my friend's bar in the deptths of the east village. But what will free me? Don't know. Anyway some sense of relief because Friday is a pretty easy day---teaching or not---just wait to see what happens.

Finished the Mike Nichols biography. Money and ostentatiousness---had to always have "the best"---went to "hot" restaurants even as his health was failing.  Nice focus on his last production of Death of a Salesman which starred the late (and great) Philip Seymour Hoffman. Did not see it---have not seen a production of the play since I saw the one starring Dustin Hoffman in 84. Three productions were available to me since then, including the one that just closed that starred Wendell Pierce. Why have I avoided these productions---I know the play so well, and have so many thoughts about it. Oh yes, did see a summer production with a mixed cast which my friend Michael directed around the early teens. Liked that---actors changed roles, which was interesting and perhaps distracted me from some of the depth of the play if performed normally. About two days ago, had a long talk with myself about the play's meaning and how it related to my own family. Like Willy Loman, my father, who was generally sucessful in his work and life also deep down inside "did not know who he was". That uncertainty was like an undercurrent in our relationship as I was growing up. He definitely wanted me to be "successful"--since I was a high achiever as a child, I am sure he hoped I would be a successful lawyer or college professor, or something like that. A liberal and compassionate existence, but also a "safe" one. So, of course, that did not happen--he was disappointed when I left Yale School of Drama, even if intellectually he understood it was not a productive place. Of course that "safe" vision that he desired of me was sabotaged by his own passion for theater--he started taking me to plays and musicals at a young age, and it was there that i became entranced with the dreamers--the ones always trying to figure things out. His boundaries were perfect---he wanted mine to be the same and when they were not he was very disappointed. So there you go

Wow! That was heavy---well nice to get it off my chest, I guess. Now to return to the "normal" part of my daily life---go to the nearest web site dealing with city happenings, and try to figure that out. Will report soon.