"return to life"

ta Last night at Skirball Center to see ERS's production of Seagull, their vision of Chekhov's play. I have friends who were performing in the play, but of course I havn't seen them since the pandemic began. Before that I interacted with them a lot. Arriving at the theatere, I felt ambivalent about saying hello to the three or four actors in the cast that I knew, wondering if they would even remember me. Would I be just some "clunky" ERS fan, unimportant to them. No,  to my surprise, the three cast members whom I knew well, Gavin, Kate and Lindsay, all greeted me with incredible warmth. I really felt like part of their "family"---so happy I remained afterwards to say hello to them. Thinking about it now, the morning after, there is something dreamlike about this reunion, a kind of "life returned" aspect to the whole thing. I am certainly not the same, after the 29 months since the pandemic interrupted things, but I could live again in an envirnoment that the pandemic and my illness had deprived me of. A very special night.

As for the play, well, Seagull is a play I care deeply about and have very strong feelings for. ERS is an eclectic group---their production was basically faithful to the play, with visual choices that showed how their creativness could come to terms with Chekhov's. I disagree with some of the choices, casting and othrewise, that I assume, their director made---watching these choices I often translated what I saw into my own "hunger' to direct the play at some point, with my own choices instead. Will that happen...? Probably not---nevertheless I continue to visualize my own casting choices, feelings, images often over what I see when I watch any of the four Chekhov classics. I look forward to having a discussion about the production with others that see it; I am definitely better of for watching this---I wonder if I will ever see a production that I feel coincides with my vision of the play; in 2016 a production of a play called "Stupid Fucking Bird", actually a very sensitive take on the Seagull, was very close to what I think Seagull should be. It emphasized the eroticism boiling under the surface of the four main characters, ERS's production was much cooler to this aspect. 

So here I sit at this computer, trying to figure out how the whole event last night casts light into my future. Returned to the apartment around midnight, the longest I have been out since the pandemic and the diagnosis of my illness. Will it happen again soon?  Does it mean I can push myself to travel outside the apartment for longer and longer times. Should I be less self protective about going to events I might like,? even if they challenge my nervousness stamina issues. So many places in the city I would like to go that are not on the upper west side. Movies at Lincoln Center or a laid back coffee shop in Bushwick, Flatbush or another neighborhood in Brooklyn? What about a walk on certain blocks in the Bronx? All things to consider after last night's "adventure". Will report soon.

a blank....

 a nice tutoring session yesterday---returned from it feeling really upbeat--but will not have another one until Monday. So what happens now? Lots of free time, but very little income. New York is hot---not a great walking day, unless I can wait until the early evening when the weather will probably cool down. A possibility is the ERS production of The Seagull, which is playing at the Skirball Center in the village (is there really a Greenwich village anymore---has the quaintness and "struggling artist" aura of that world, as it was presented to me as a young adult,  simply vanished into a world of luxury highrises and brownstones that are worth easily over 10 million dollars). I am familiar and sometimes friendly with many of the ERS actors, and always kind of stimulated by the choices they make when they put something on.  This is their first venture into Chekhov--could either go tonight or any time next week.

Just took my morning chemo pill. It effects me, but it is hard to say how much. My body responds in different ways---and a lot depends on how my day is structured. Yesterday, no drowsiness as  worked throug the morning and  waited for the tutoring session to begin, but when I returned to the apartment and ate, my body was shot. Today with less structure, anything is possible.

At the Lincoln Center library on Monday, I finished reading Edmund Ironsides, a possible "lost" play by Shakespeare. I found it in the second floor reference section--along side of another book called Disputed Shakespeare, which contains eight plays that the editior feels were written by Shakespeare. Only one of them, Arden of Feversham. is really known. Ironsides centers on the battle for the English throne between the Danes and the Saxons, in the early 1000's. There were moments when phrases or images reminded me of other writings by Shakespeare, and it has one character, Edricus, a "scoundrel" who moves between both camps, playing each side against the other. He reminds me of a similar character in King John (Philip, the Bastard) , but there are other characters in Shakespeare's plays who observe in a cynical way as well. Still, came away rather unmoved by it---will try to read this summer at least one of the "disputed" plays in the larger book. At the moment I am currently reading what seems to be two autobiographical novels. The first, Kennedys Goodbye, by Kati Rose. charts the growth of a young woman growing up in a strange Catholic family in the seventies in working class Connecticut. Kind of charming and surprisingly perceptive as the narrator looks at the other members of her family. The second and more potent of the two is Last Summer on State Street by Toya Wolfe; a black woman remembers her pre teen (so far) life in a Chicago project, one that like the others near it, will soon be torn down. Already there is one brutal scene in which white cops enter and terrorize her family for no reason, and drag her non gang member brother to a precinct that is harrowing for its police brutality. Made me feel enraged and frightened after reading it. I will put down Ms. Rose's book for a while, while I continue reading about Ms. Wolfe's black neighborhood and family. It has to be. 

All for now, should report soon.

At a turning point...

so here we are---Wednesday morning---students off on vacations--lots of "unstructured" or free time---very careful budgeting needed to get through the next 2.5 weeks---what do we do? 

Have to pay two bills this morning--the banks where this will happen are not exactly on the upper west side. So I have some visits to make, but where? Choice one" mid fifties--banks are a few blocks apart---still pretty easy access to my apartment. Choice 2: East 86 street around Lexington where the two bank sit near each other. Always fun to visit the complacent upper east side, (complacent for whom?) In the seventies, many of the women I pursued then in their early 30's lived on the east side. Upper west was still for the more "daring" people---this all began to change in the late seventies, when the working class bars on the upper west side became "go to" bars and were packed with young people. Still, many people whom I interacted with in my 20's and 30's lived on the east side. Choice 3: the two banks are actually on the same block, where---Bedford Avenue Williamburg, once a street I walked on almost every day as I headed to South 4th street Bar and Cafe. Arrived there around 2007, just as it was changing, and new restaurants were opening all over the block. Since the bar closed about 4 years ago, have not been there---definitely not since the pandemic arrived two years ago. Could be a fun adventure to explore the upscale changes as I go to pay my bills---the most surreal and challenging of my possible trips. What will be my choice? Will decide, later.

Survived tbe long 4th of July weekend with one movie: Lost Highway, by David Lynch, a really remarkable and all encompassing film---really drew me in---just what I needed for an early Saturday show. On Sunday, visited the Center for Fiction once, before the pandemic, my "haunt"--now, just a place to read and have some coffee. A decent amount of people there, but somehow the energy that I once knew was missing.  Left and walked a block away to the bar-restaurant on Fulton and, for the first time in a long while, "hung out". Came in to watch baseball, but actually, since the bar was pretty empty, had a long conversation with the friendly bartender. Reminded me of the "old days"---should do it again, except a plain Caesar salad with tax and good tip for the bartender's friendship came to a little over $17.00.  That's pretty heavy for me these days. But when I left I felt pleased--good to remember that I can have that experience. Monday's highlight was a brief but meaningful trip to the Drama Bookstore, that amazing place on west 39th near 8th. A staggering selection of reading material there from Greek drama to plays just closing off Broadway---I could stay forever--except that the bathrooms are closed. More strategy needed. Read a script by Mady C---about discovering her husband, with whom she had been in a relationship with for over 20 years, was arrested for something ugly. How could this have happened? I read with interest, but did not come away with any real answers---since I knew the husband when he was younger, I tried to put together some memories of my encounters with him (superficial but friendly) that might give me a clue as to why he would motivate his strange and eratic behavior, but did not come up with much. Eratic behavior from someone whom you think you know over the years as a steady person is always difficult to process. The gentleman in the monologue is not the only one I know. 

All right, time to get going, will report (I hope) soon.

what followed the last post...

 was a success! Went to my friend's play at HERE. His writing was extremely well served by the production and the cast?....well what can you say...totally comitted. Here we were in a small theater---outside the Pride marchers are happily making their noise--and yet inside this space was a totally different creation that really came alive. What a time to see actors, working for what must be very little money in a small theater with small crowds, working a on highly creative level! I thought that maybe after the pandemic that a kind of apathy in the theater world might happen, but to my surprise, the comittment is stronger then ever. That is what I learned from my visit to HERE last Sunday to see Don't Look Back, by Adam Kraar.

Monday night at the Assembly party---got off late--considered turning back, but made it to a really nice space on Myrtle Avenue where Fort Greene meets Clinton Hill. A small group, but very welcoming---had some really good conversations and a great trip back to the city with Susan, a member of the Assembly's Board. Interesting, while the two of us waited for the Myrtle Avenue bus to take us back to downtown Brooklyn, watched the contrasts in this neighborhood--it used to be all black and working class, but in the last 16 years, has gentrified a lot. Still,many black people on the street, while the newer people were calmly walking their dogs or getting take out food. An uneasy alliance? Don't know, since I have never lived in a neighborhood with those contrasts.

Now the four day weekend of July 4th begins. Totally unstructured for me at this time. The computer allows me to stay inside and keep occupied--follow all the baseball games carefully---, but once I am out, I feel something completely diffrerent and freeing. Lots of choices, but must be carefull financially and also have to consider how the medication that I have to take will effect my energy. Somehow, whenever I need to "be"somewhere, I don't allow anything physical to stop me, but on unplanned days can let myself be governed my energy level. Nothing yet that I ache to read at this time---should get to library (or libraries) today, since they will be closed tomorrow. Maybe it's time to explore some Elizabethan plays--contemporaries of Shakespeare---I have been putting that off for a while.  Well, we will see.

Post is finished for now---maybe will post again during this four day break and let you know the outcome.

Sunday morning.....

lazy morning, until Met game on Peacock, then watch a little of the Orioles-White Sox game, then off to HERE, to see a friend's play. Physically feeling very nice---should be outside---reading, walking, instead here. Well, maybe after this entry for a while.

Yesterday, the plan was to "sit tight" (save my stamina) for the evening, then head out to Bushwick to see a project at the Bushwick Starr, one of my favorite "indie" spaces. But it did not happen---walked a bit in the morning---voted on 85 street, then returned and could not get back my strength for a long trip. I wanted to spend the evening out of the apartment, so, after some procrastination, ended up walking to Lincoln Center, wandering around a bit---then sitting in the park right across the street from the eastern edge of the complex, and chilling out. Read a bit of a short story, but actually just sat---watched the people go by, felt kind of at ease with things. Saved some money---always important at this time. Could have gone to see an Argento movie--a retrospective of his films in playing at the Lincoln Center movie theaters, but rejected it; just enjoyed sitting and relaxing.

On Friday I did attend a movie in the Argento retrospective---and an amazing movie it was. Called The Stendhal  Syndrome--the story of a young woman police person in Italy who is stalked and hurt by a vicious killer---until she exacts her revenge. What a movie! Evert frame beautiful---every moment leading carefully to the next---created a tremendous sense of suspence and fear in me. Brutally intense---no let up. I think that the reason I passed on his film last night, was because I was afraid that I would be overwhelmed by the content and the vision of what I saw, So I passed. Three more days after today to see one more of his films in the retrospective---will I do it? We will see.

Body feels really strong at this moment---lots of energy, tomorrow a party in the early evening with my friends from The Assembly---one of my favorite theater groups. Will post soon.

can it be over two weeks with no reporting...

 yes, at times I don't feel like putting down my feelings or memories, or whatever. Still, some interesting "voyages" out of the apartment. Last week Monday and Tuesday, visited Clubbed Thumb, the theater performing at the Wild Project, a little west of Avenue B on 3rd Street. Three plays, all with ten performances---a mainstay of "indie" theater in NY. The Artistic Director is attracted to plays that are incredibly verbal--tart language a little bit ahead of character development or strightforward narrative. So that is what you get---I think by now the theater is a little stylistically locked in in its vision and this play, though bright and smart, ran out of gas for me, about 25 minutes before its eighty minute length. Still, it was fun to go there---I saw some friends, and had a friend in the show, which is really why I went---to support her. She did not disappoint--the acting of all six actors was on a very high level. Even with only one group of friends that I met, there is a community feeling about the place---everyone in the audience knows why they are there. There is one more play in their season that begins its ten performances tomorrow---I expect to go at some point---another actress who I am very fond of--and, of course, who I have not seen since the beginnng of the pandemic---is in the cast.

Next door to the theater is a new coffee bar called Book Ends---I wanted to go in and see what the place was like---a place where I could possibly hang out, but have coffee and not alcohol---but I missed my chances. Why? Still nervous about sitting in the bar with my "bag"? It should not be an issue; I do my tutoring with it and have absolutely no problem---still I hesitate. Maybe I will try to get there some mid morning when it is not too crowded and take a seat. Looking for a place to replace the fabled South 4th street bar and cafe, which closed in 18, or Cobra Club, my Bushwick place, which is a little too far to get to with any regularity at this point. Nothing on the upper west side remotely like those places.

An 'open" day today can do whatever I wish within reason--last chance to catch a movie at the Film Forum with Montgomery Clift--one of my favorite actors. The movie today is Red River---a movie that I have not seen. Might go--in the late sixties I would be attending ballets at the New York State theater---there is a bar in the enormous promenade. One or two times I saw Clift there, standing with a group of friends, part of his face, of course, messed up from his brutal accident about ten years later. He was very unassuming as he stood on the promenade. Strong memory. 

That is all for now---should try to create a little more then I have---we will see.

to :Bird" or not to "Bird" that is the.....

er  this morning---early---around 6:45---always up at that time---watched highlights of Saturday'sb. Baltimore Orioles victory over the Guardians. Felt drawn in and excited by those highlights---wonder if I should purchase the baseball package that would let me watch all Oriole, and some other games as they take place.  I follow the Orioles because a. they are more interesting and competitive this year then they have been in a while and b. my connection with the city; my hunger for its energy, which i have not let go in now almost 60 years. 58 years ago, almost to the day, I graduated from Hopkins---should have been the end of my interest in this city---instead, I have continued to be "haunted" by it---trying to understand its "life" (for want of a better word) as the years have passed. Pre pandemic, I usually visited once a year for a day or so, and in addition to going to the ball park (not as much fun as the fantasy of it) depending on where i was, I woud walk endlessly from neighborhood to neighborhood as I tried to imagine a life for myself there. Of course I am aware of the city's "division"---the world of the poor black neighborhoods totally cut off from the "white" world that I wonder around in---a world for consumers---laid back individuals--and newly built apartments--yetm I still want to understand what is going on there. 

The whole story of my four years at Hopkins--could I write about that. Like Henr;ty Roth, looking back from a long period in the future to let memory go. So many meaningful memories--those four years ins some ways shaped me---allowed me to return to theater in my late thirties with a lot of knowledge that only happened in my last year there. What do you want to remember...? The heat...always unique to itself, your HEAT in your final year there...? "Intense and comlicated"---she said "intense and complicated" in your last conversation over the phone---the night before I graduated. So I have always thought of myself, somewhat in that way---can't let it go. But the next day happened---I graduated---drove back to the Bronx with my brother and parents---and it was over. 

Last night walked over to Lincoln Center---now alive with people. It has been turned into a social circus--a little grotesque, but with people swarming all over it. Maybe just a place to "be" in the early evening. Decided not to see a movie at their theater--that was the only choice possible to lose oneself in at that time. The city continues to open up with a vengence. So many choices....etc.

Exhausted from this output--should continue the rest of the day,,,will report soon.