another "dark" day....

its windy outside, and the rain is expected. Not the best day to go out, yet I have been out several times. My stomach, which has been pretty spare for the last few days, has, for some reason, decided that it could eat everything that existed---so I have been out buying things in small doses. But here I am, in the apartment, and here I will stay, I guess, for the rest of the day. Could be worse---couldn't it?
 Saw a performance of Apollo, by Balanchine, that is streaming over the New York City Ballet web site. I have not seen the ballet in a while--I marvel at the way Balanchine created the steps--his whole concept. Of course, from the years 68 to about 81, City Ballet was a major part of my life,  I went often, sometimes three out of four performances in a weekend--I knew all the major ballets. They are part of my past---I have not been to a performance in about 11 years, for one reason because the theater is named after David Koch. But also, the memories of that time might be too intense---some of these ballets are almost like people I had relationships with---do I want to go back to that feeling. I was impressed with how much the audience loved the performance---they seemed to be with them completely, so I guess the company now really has a following (this performance was from 2019) I will probably return to the web site to check out a few other ballets that they are streaming in the next few weeks. It won't hurt.
Not much else---even a short walk today (to 83rd and Amsterdam) was invigorating. But I suppose I will stay in for the rest of the night. Will report soon.

feeling better...

because of two things; one, the arrival of my stimulus check yesterday, now safely in the bank. Although cityboy is doing well by other means, somehow this check seemed to have really lifted him up. Once again, he did not sleep that well, last night, but that was because he was heavily fantasizing depositing his check. Yes, fantasies are strange nowadays. The second upbeat event around city boy's life was the cleaning of his apartment this afternoon. The woman who cleans is really terrific--it had been six weeks and the place was pretty dirty. On returning to the apartment, it looked so clean and orderly that I truly wondered if it was mine. Well it is, and feeling its neatness gives cityboy an incredible sense of relief.
    Anything else..? Not really--I continue to watch you tube shorts, some are about gentrification and others are moments from musicals. Today, while the apartment was being cleaned, I had to be "out" so I took the 1 up to 145th and walked around a bit. I wandered north on Riverside Drive; I had never been north of 148th street before, and I saw some amazing apartment houses on the Drive around 150th to 153rd street. I stared in amazement---always something new to look at and consider in the city.
Anything else..? Not really, will figure out how to spend the evening, what choices to make on the computer, and maybe get a nice night of sleep as so much has been accomplished in the last two days.

a sign of hope....

Monday, almost 6. Just returned from a walk from here (76th and West End) to a grocery store on

64th and the same. Longest walk I have taken in two days. The body really begged for it--really went for it---legs strong as I made the trip. Then I returned and wanted to go to this blog and write something. This, after a "harsh" day that did not seem like it was working out too well. But actually if you look at the facts, cityboy accomplished a lot. 

1 Laundry (well, it was necessary) 

2. Two e mails describing my current life and feelings to two different women (ironically they are both situated now in the Chicago area). a lot of strong writing which I am proud of, I hope they find the main thrust of these descriptive e mails interesting. Both have descriptions of the face book group that I have joined called: Growing Up in the Bronx, 50's 60's 70's, and my disappointment that most of the posters, who definitely do not live in the Bronx now, enjoy their memories, but show no interest in the people who live in the  areas where they grew up now.

Yesterday, did catch the Sondheim tribute---saw most of it yesterday, and finished what I did not see today. My favorites: Brandon Uranowitz singing We've So Little to be Sure Of, from Anyone Can Whistle---that song has so much depth and power---Ms. Lupone singing the title song from that show--showing remarkable restraint and sensitivity and There Won't Be Trumpets, song by Sutton Foster also from that show. Donna Murphy gave a beautiful rendition of Send In the Clowns and the whole group, headed by Them Sesma singing Somewhere In the Tree. Others were good---those were the ones that reached me the most (though I am probably blocking one or two others).

A moment of calm--much needed--not sure about the night--some interesting choices on the computer--also check out WQXR, on the radio---wish me luck, will report soon.

'and the phantoms of the night..."

"will fade into the past." That quote, from, all things, Pippin seems totally appropriate to me at this moment--early Sunday morning---after a long night of "non-sleep". What is "non-sleep"? It is when I may be physically tired, but my mind does not want to rest---so I simply cannot find sleep. Where does my mind go? Everywhere---scenes from the past---trying to define my feelings now, so I can deal with them--a real "kitchen sink" of visions and explosions. A "double whammy", as it were, because during the day, my outside world, during the "social distancing" moment, I can consider far fewer alternatives then I could when my "dream world" (the world before March 16) was alive. Still, I can move around (the block, the neighborhood) But in the 12 P.M. to 6 A.M. corridor---I am stuck, there are simply no alternatives; I must remain in the apartment---my imagination is my only escape,--darkness is prevalent.
  Last night, in the apartment, actually watched the complete first act of The Nutcracker---really enjoyed it--Balanchine's richness and detail dominate the story in Act I. Have not seen the ballet in years, and thought that I knew it quite well, but watching it last night, showed me that there are still some things that surprised me. The longest I have watched a you tube presentation---I love Balanchine, my interest in City Ballet between 68 and about 81 defines much of my life during that time. Yet no matter how fulfilled I felt as the young boy and his girl friend entered the magic land that is Act II---it could not give me sleep. Also, in the afternoon, a short walk north on Madison Avenue from 79th to 96th street was not as satisfying as I might have liked.
   So here we are, Sunday morning--there is a Sondhein tribute tonight--will try to see it, But still in this "stasis" as far as life moving forward is concerned. When Governor Cuome lifts at least some of the restrictions, maybe I can complete the song:
                                      When the phantoms of the night
                                       Will fade into the past

                                        Morning Glow will come,
                                        At last
                   

not the greatest of days...

yet a little different. It began at about 4 A.M. when cityboy awoke, and thought of his first task of the day (usually in this environment, his only task). The task was to take the subway to his bank on Union Square, and get there early, like at 8:30. This bank was only open on Monday and Friday during the pandemic, and cityboy had an important deposit to make. So the time between 4 and 8:00 in the morning when I got on the subway was spent on planning and thinking---although it was very early, cityboy's body felt great energy---energy that he had not experienced in a long time. Arriving at the bank at 8:30, a half hour before the bank's opening, cityboy was 7th on line. Yes, a lot of people had the same thought that he did, but at least he was 7th. Waiting in the "gunky" rain was not fun, but finally he made it in, did his transaction, and walked back into the cold rain. An accomplishment!
  The rest of the day has simply been his recovery from this early act--some youtube surfing and a nice talk with a younger friend. But where do we go from here? It is just turning 6, yes there are many other interesting short youtube pictures to watch, but.....have not read much as I am turning more and more to the computer.
     Under the circumstances, I am somewhat contented as I consider what I must focus on for the next few hours, but.....if only I could find something truly concrete. Oh well, check in tomorrow, and perhaps you will find out what cityboy's choices were on this wet, rainy evening.

moving through time....

not the greatest of days. The cloudy weather outside is not welcoming. After writing an early morning e mail to a friend, not a great deal is happening. But my body feels ready for a decent walk.
After this entry I will probably go out and walk north on either Broadway or West End.  Have to stop at a store selling mid size garbage bags---mine are running out, and they are much needed material during the current lockdown.
  Today reminds me of the Monday after President Kennedy's death on Friday November 22, 1963. The weekend was mostly cloudy but mild, but that Monday, with the campus (Hopkins) closed, I walked through the campus feeling an ugly chill in the air. It was as if time had stopped---the campus was deserted. The color of the weather outside today reminded me of that day. Of course, time has stopped here too, which adds to the irony.
  The next day, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, was a beautiful sunlit day. The campus was alive again, with students moving with great ease between classes. It was as if the earth had returned to its axis. Observing the easy flow around the campus, it seemed as if the trauma of the past weekend with its mourning period was forgotten. I remember thinking "Is it really this easy to return to normal?"
"Is the pain simply gone?" The color of yellow, the Indian summer kind of weather---I have never forgotten it.
  May read A Memory of Two Mondays, a one act play by Arthur Miller that was originally paired with A View From the Bridge when they opened on Broadway in 1955. Its all but forgotten as the
success of the second play exploded from the 60's on. I read it once before a few years ago, and was really impressed. See if I can check it out again.
  Well, time to get moving---will report soon.

mellowing out...

after two tough nights during which my brain would not allow my body to fall asleep. But yesterday at around 10:30---I fell into sleep almost automatically, and woke up so happy from that, that it colored the rest of the night and has moved into this morning. This may have had something to do
with a Zoom meeting with the Assembly Theater group, whom I have been following closely for the past nine (is it really that long) years.  Good to see the faces of people who are part of my universe, and glad to see them so welcoming to me. After the meeting was over, I watched a 10 minute series (six episodes) called The Rehearsal--about a 30 something actress, starring in a production of Miss Julie, and the  problems she faces. A little melodramatic for me--also all the characters surrounding this woman are either mean or vain.  So she is trapped with them, but why did the creators choose to put these people in the script? No matter, it was interesting enough to keep me involved until I chose to go to sleep, which is what it was supposed to do. After that, sleeping was easy.
    So where do we go from here? Keep your eye on the prize, cityboy, the prize being continued downward trend of in patients in the hospital, so that the city can re-open at least some bookstores or other businesses like it.  Today, my "big task" is finding a dollar store, north of 96th street, where I can by toilet paper dish towels, some toothpaste etc. Other than that, I am left to my own devices. And what are they..? Well, I guess computer serfing, reading (possibly) and "others" How will it all turn out--will my nights continue to "mellow"? We will find out, will report soon.