Searching for "Gramma"!

 First of all, readers, whoever you are, I want you to know that my weekend "funk" is over---I think a lot had to do with the overwhelming torpor the medication that I get every three weeks caused. And on Monday I had three tutoring sessions---the give and take with the students was very lively---created an almost "jaunty" feeling for me. But who is "Gramma"?

Just read an article in The City about the other side of Mamdami's rent freeze proposal--a fair statement that revealed that many landlords in the city who own rest stabilized apartments, really need some sort of rent increase to keep their buildings going. I understand that--it is an interesting dilemma for the new administration---athough housing advocates feel the rent freeze is justified. Somehow I feel that there is enough of an analytical vision in (hopefully) the Mamdani administration to create a solution that helps both sides. But the building that the article mentioned as an example of an aparatment building that might go under if a rent freeze takes place was on Creston Avenue in the Bronx--a few steps from where, when I was a child, I would visit my grandmother (my father's mother0 and where I felt very safe. My father was the youngest of a large Jewish family that had emigrated from Poland around 1920, when he was 12. A few times a year, the whole family would visit there--I remember an incredible variety of aunts, uncles and their cousins---all with different economic visions of life which, I, around 7 or 8 would try to absorb. But what I also remember vividly was the "safety' that the neighborhood around the building seemed to offer. Placid, relaxed---and all white---overwhelmingly Jewish. Looking back on that time----in my head a kind of "paradise on earth'. I understand that the neighborhood has "changed" that its inhabitants are mostly black and Hispanic working class citizens of the city---that they are entitled to good services, and that they probably are "good people".---yet I felt so safe there as a child--but of course it had to change--the destiny of my generation was to "move forward"---super achieve. 

Creston Avneue---two stories---two different kinds of people--when I take the 4 train to Bronx Science for the few alumni events during the year, I stand by the door windows---looking out---imagining the world that "was'.  Trying hard to connect the images in my mind of the two worlds.

Difficult day....

 yesterday, two days after infusion. Did not eat much. Slept a lot. Awoke this morning with more energy---body  should be warming up today---I think it would be a good idea to move around. But where?  Cannot make plans,---simply follow the messages my body gives me as the day progresses. Have to remember that the first weekend after the infusccuion has always been somewhat difficult ---but not this difficult. 

Earlier on one of the web sites about the city, I read of a murder at a bodega in East New York. Went to google maps to check it out. Saw many buildings that reminded me of the neighborhood that I was raised in in the Bronx. As I was growing up, this was mostly a Jewish neighborhood---now of course, mostly black and hispanic. Does it make sense? As a teen-ager, I could have been set up on a blind date with some young woman from East New York---that is all I can come up with. But where are we now?  I know no people from my generation who want to talk about their childhood---and when they do---when I meet then---the memories are basically superficial--an outline of the past but not a look into it. What does it mean to be raised in a certain way---or in a "crimeless" neighborhood? I want more depth!  The protection and security that I felt as a child has brought me to this place now. A through line. So  now I wait....I am alone. On my last trip to Bronx Science for their reunion, instead of going right to the nearest subway, I took a bus that goes west---felt very moved by what I saw. More visits...? Possibly.

Looking forward to the next weekend---should be much stronger--hopefully some longer trips. Today, if I want to see a movie--have almost two many choices. Still must dialogue with my body to get through it to figure out thow far it will travel. That is all for now.

two days....

Friday: rest until around 4. then off to Brooklyn. Stops at Center for Fiction and Arts Library, across the  mstreet. No Brooklyn library card...a blessing or a curse---but can't take anything out. Then off to really what I came to Brookyn for---to participate in the "action" outside 130 Greene Street protesting a brutal and ugly deed theft. 

First image: walking east on Greene to the house---a warm feeling---the streets from Greene's beginning to around Waverly avenue have become a "never-never" land--safe, beautiful Brownstones---mostly white people who seemed affluent, walking the streets. Many mothers with children. Was this neighborhood ever different...I asked myself. Yet when speaking to the woman whose building was taken from her by fraud, she explained that when she bought the building in 1997, most houses on the block were boarded up. Hard to believe---try to imagine a "different" much more "rougher" Clinton Hill. Difficult. I remained at the action for about an hour---joined by mostly black protesters decrying the possibility of more deed thefts like this one, and claiming that there was no real assistance from elected officials. Some interesting conversations with the activists---however, directly east on the corner of Waverly and Greene, was an upscale restaurant--some outdoor diners right next to the protesters--no reaction from them. It occurred to me that after participating in the protest---shouting "what do we want..? Justice"; "When do we want it? Now", I could easily walk into the restaurant and have a nice meal---joining the "members of the community"---mostly white, I am afraid, and forget where I had just been. I did not think that most of the protesters who were black, would feel comfortable in that restaurant, or even consider going there.  It is this juxtaposition that I see often when I visit neighborhoods that have been gentrified in the last twenty years (has it been that long...? Yes)  So where am I in this?

Did not make the choice to eat next door--instead took the Gates Avenue bus about 10 blocks and ate at Fulton Bar, a friendly bar-restauarant n ear BAM. Had a nice Caesar Salad--very friendly bartender and watched the beginning of the Yankee-Brave game. Then it was time to return home to Manhattan.

Yesterday---the residue of energy from Friday caught up with me---so I had what I would call a "passive" day--stayed mostly around the apartment. Free movie at a Church about 10 blocks down---"The Way We Were"---decided to see it. Nice choice---not very crowded---big screen--movie was interesting---I had seen it on TV about 45 years ago---but seemed to go one forever---from episode to episode. Walked home from the Church--about 10 blocks--no stamina issue---bought my food and returned home.

today---would like to return to Brooklyn--maybe catch a "real" movie--we will see.

follow up...

did not see Familiar Touch yesterday. Not enough energy after my visit to Drama Bookstore. Spent about 2 hours there--first reading much of Grover Dale's autobiography and then---after a bout of restlessness, looking closely at The Merchant of Venice. Are the two related...? I doubt it. Dale is one of the last surviving members of the original cast of WSS---the Merchant...? Well, I am fascinated by its structure. Three stories, interwoven. Shylock destroyed---and then forgotten. 

The infusion and its fourth day effect tired me---so I returned to the apartment after the Drama Book Store visit.  Intermitten naps for the rest of the day---strange when your body tells you what it wants you to do, rather then your telling "it". Finished the free weekend of baseball on the web---sort of had enough of it---and continued to read my English history book. 

Today a possible tutoring session--also, planning to pick up my Ostomy supplies from the drug store I go to in Harlem. Interesting trip---the store is on 122nd and 3rd Avenue--I usually take the crosstown bus to 79th and Madison---then wait for the bus that goes north on Madison, all the way to 122 street. Amazing contrast of course, in the two worlds that it covers, but more and more, north of 96, there are signs of gentrification. New library on 125th east of 3rd---might want to check it out. Always feel a sense of "triumph" after I receive the supplies, and embark on my return to my "safe" apartment on the upper west side. 

the rest of the day---the sure---early now--lots of time to get through before my journey east, 

Listening to Mozart this morning...

totally alone--my mind shot back to summer of 67--in an apartment much like the one I am living in now---spending most of my free time listening to as much Mozart as I could. 67: my third "reconstructive" summer---I am beginning a new job as a social worker---my plan to take part time jobs while I "audition" for roles has failed me---finally I work nights in the post office on 33rd and 8th--for about seven months---read a lot during the day---realize that this structure is not working--it is cutting me off from things I need---like sex---and relationships. Where has all the promise of my last year at Hopkins gone? Now the freshmen men from Hopkins and the women from Goucher who started in 63, and were so important in my final year at Hopkins have all graduated--have I given them up competely? No. But I know there is no world for me with them. So who I am now?  And it is hot! All those things come together for me as I sit and listen to a Mozart violin sonata in the present. Differences...similarities....who can say.

Infusion three days ago--yesterday could not do much after the morning---body needed to rest after the infusion and its inability to let me sleep on the day it is given. Spending most of the day reading a non fiction book about the lives of Richard the II and his cousin, Henry Bolingbroke, who later becomes King Henry IV. Filling in a lot of what I already know from Shakespeare's two plays bout those to. Tied to the book---can't read anything else---kept me going last night. 

Plans for ttoday: should try to see Familiar Touch, the movie at Film Forum, which stars KC--a lovely woman and incredibly well respected actress, as an aging women with Alzheimers. Would like to stop by Drama Bookstore as well--spend about an hour there checking out some new plays--don't know if that is possible. And Brooklyn....just not sure what my energy level will be. It is easy for me to get really lost in the reading I am doing--want the summer to be interesting...well, we will see.

Can it be....

 that I have not even posted since late May. Well, that figures--so much has happened politically that I suppose my personal feelings are a bit irrelevant. I had wanted to post yesterday morning--to talk about Prosperous Fools at TFANA, but some how the connection did not come through. It does now, and I am not at the same place as I was yesterday---why? Because yesterday was "difficult", you might say. So, this morning, as we approach 6 A. M.,  I am still dealing with the after effects of this previous "difficult" day as I wait for 7 A.M. to make an appearance so I can visit the new coffee shop on Amsterdam, where they give me free coffee--it is very strong---good, but I wonder how it will work for my body in this heat. Why have I become the recipient of the coffee shop owners largesse? Not sure---when they opened I came in often and raved about their coffee---maybe this is a way of thanking me---then again---maybe this is because I am "old", (I don't like to use that word)  and they feel it is their duty to give me a break. But anyway, they are there, and, I guess I will check in with them as soon as they open.

Yesterday was diifficult because the body was tired---that usually happens after a trip to Brooklyn the day before, or the day after some strenuous activity. Also, money is running low as I wait for my SS haul to come in, and the strategizing that I have to do to as I gage what to spend with money and what to put on my credit card take some emotional toll. Also, it was structureless, and that usually tires my body a bit. Spent a lot of time in the apartment---some reading, much lying around and "dialouging" with the body to determine what is possible. Many movies around he city are tempting, but did not feel  I had the energy to sit through them.  So I remained in the apartment and just let things happen until I feel asleep. Some good conversations with a few of my fellow apartment dwellers, so that made me feel better.

Finally, let us talk about books. There are many in the library that interest me---English history which I have always loved, and a few novels---but I avoid taking them out. When I read now, I have discovered that I absorb the content in a way that I have not previously. Every reading experience becomes a "deep dive", So sometimes I see a novel or history that might interest me, but instead of taking it out, I reject it--as if I am shielding myself from some experience that I might "lose myself" in. How long will this continue? Well, next weekend is the long one---the 4th---and the libraries will be closed from Friday through Sunday, so I think I will challenge myself to take one or two books that really excite me. Books that I can lose myself in can get me through a long weekend---we will see.

Disappointed....

 Just found out via an e mail, that there will be a gathering in Prospect Park for people interested in the Mayoral race coming up. Would love to go--but my body is very tired. Chemo infusion five days ago--effects are still going on. Can I get up the energy to go there? As of now, "no". But it lasts until 6; maybe I can make it---I would love to discuss city issues especially those around the upcoming Mayoral race---but perhaps not today. But if not today...when?

Memorial day, the beginning of the summer. Still remember the acookouts at South Fourth, every year, and those were followed by cookouts on the 4th of July and finally Labor Day. The whole story of the summer, packed between three cook outs. No longer, since South 4th ceased to exist in 2018. 

Went to Williamsburg on Saturday to see a play at the Brick, written by a friend of mine. The play is full of ideas---but a lot of clashing of styuuldles. Can't really say more. But it was over around 4---I could not get myself simply to return to Manhattan. Felt a tremendous need to walk around---explore the surroundings, where--pre pandemic---I had spent so much time. And so I did.  Took a bus from Metropolitan to Broadway and Lorimer---then walked west, all the way to the river. Thought I might see some of my old friends on the way, but it did not happen. Still, had to see everything--traveled all the blocks by foot---what can you say;;? Still even more luxury building and restaurants. Very tired when it was over, but glad I did it. Yesterday, ttotally exhausted. Stayed around the building. 

Reading tThe Rules of Attraction by Brent Easton Ellis. Really absorbed---first read it about 37 (really that long) years ago. When I saw it in the library where I tutor, I knew that it would get me through the weekend, and it has---kind of fascinated by its style. Anything else? Not at the moment.

So I will spend the rest of the afternoon, trying to figure out if I have the energy to go to Prospect Park to interact with those talking about the Mayoral race. Will I make it? Based on how my body is behaving at this moment, probably not...but might give it a try.....