another long stretch without writing

 Why? Hard to say[--so what about now? At a turning point. Summer for you, cityboy, is almost here. That means less tutoring--more free time, and a lot of careful budgeting. So what can be done? 

Interesting weekend---Saturday saw Three Houses, the musical conceived and written completely by Dave Malloy, for the second time. Better this time---I know why I came back--an intense study of "aloneness"; but musically expansive--I am awed by how many amazing ideas are in the music.  Second time seeing it meaans one can focus more on the stage craft--lots of integral work with puppets in the musical which I did not realize before. And an amazing cast of six people. One of them, Henry S, is an actor I have known threw the years---probably since the eighties. We never worked together when I was directing, but there is some comreadeship. I had seen him after my first visit to the musical and told him I would return. After Saturday's performance we said hello--he seemed really happy that I had come back. His appreciation meant a lot to me. It is rare that a theatrical event really absorbs me---this one did. Walked back to my apartment from the theater--on 42nd and 10th, to where I live---76th and West End. Had to do it---needed solitude---a sense of my own identity---separate.

Yesterday---a little more difficult---tired but decided to visit Brooklyn---first stopping off at the Center for Fiction, then a movie at BAM. Got my ice coffee at the Center--(there are three other coffee places within the three blocks that surround BAM---is that all people do in Brooklyn--just drink coffee) but the reading room was closed---took a seat in the main room but felt cramped---tried to continue reading The Rainbow, by Lawrence, but was not happy. Soon it was time to see the movie I had come out to see. It was called Naked Acts, and was made in 96. The lead was played by a woman who at that time was a close friend of mine; she was not at this screening, but i returned to see the movie again as a way of remembering our friendship. Her performance dominated the movie--also in it was the late, great Ron Cephas Jones, just beginning his career as an actor---but the movie itself disappointed me---a little too obvious. Left a little down---stopped off at the Fulton Bar---one of the few bars that I now visit---and had a Ceasar salad--not much conversation and two tv's that were not showing baseball---and for some reason could not be changed to the channels that I wanted. Not great---but needed to do it. Restless subway ride home.

On Wednesday the librarys will be closed---so it seems like less tutoring. Will try to see at least one more play this week---take advantage of the free day. On Tuesday at Queens College, there is a play about Andrew Goodman, one of the three Civil Rights Workers killed in the summer of 64. I want very much to see it--not sure if I can make it out---there is also a foundation in his name that I should be more aware of. His name, along with the other two killed workers---James Chaney and Mickey Schwerner---has been basically forgotten by history--no schools or streets in the city named after them. How much of my imagination and 'life" can I give to this and other issues? Let's move on......

Almost June....

 can it have been that long. Stayed away. Anyway, today was quite a strange day. Woke up feeling weak---no surprise there, since yesterday I was very active. A play at the Public---three flights of stairs climbed, twice---then a walk from the beginning of Saint Marks, to my friend's bar on Avenue C and ninth---all accomplished with pretty much ease---especially since this was \only two days after my last infusion. 

But today a different story. Tired all day---not much energy.  A trip to Lincoln Center in the afternoon---just for a short time---then later in the day, around seven, a walk mostly north on Columbus Avenue. Restaurants full of people---everyone seems out---everyone seems to have plenty of money. Standing on 86 street and Columbus, or on the other blocks before that---I see the last 60 years of the upper west side before me.How many streets were considered dangerous at one point. How cheap was it to live here? Remember Jerry in The Zoo Story, conceived around 58? His rooming house was on 90th and Columbus---all poverty and craziness then. Amazing the way the upper west side ( and the city itself) has evolved. Much safter---but at what cost? 

Tomorrow, I have a ticket to a play that is part of Clubbed Thumb's annual summer season called, UsUs. A friend of mine---Ugo---is in it---have not seen him for about a year---a teriffic actor---also traveled with the Oklahoma road company---the one with the integrated cast and the low key approach. Lots of questions about that tour, more particularly about cast placement. We will see---Clubbed Thumb is a staple of what we call "Indie theater"---hope to see some of the community there as well---share some thoughts with them about Sally and Tom, the play by Susan Lori-Parks that I saw yesterday afternoon at the Public. 

Needed this output---will try to write sooner then before.

Last night....

At the Public---Joe's Pub.a Friends graduate is performing an original and autobiographical musical at that space. Nice to see him; he was very appreciative of my being there. The Pub---a strange place that we accept now---Papp believed in theater for everyone---the Pub's prices are definitely not for those operating on a small budget. But that is the way it is, nowadays---so many issues that are involved----idealism merged with seeking funds from the very successful money wise.  Enjoyed the performer-creator's work--he has great stage presence---it will be interesting to see where he goes from here, creatively on both ends. While I was there felt "hollowed out"---what does that mean. Almost did not go---this was the first weekend after an infusion and usually that first weekend finds me kind of lethargic---but by 4:00 Sunday felt the energy, and was able to find a last minute ticket on line. Subway was easy to negotiate---especially on the trip home---not a lot of people since the superbowl was on. Skipped Superbowl this year----too many commercials---endless---I even felt that watching the AFC final between Baltimore and KC.  Perhaps I have outgrown football, or I am put off by the violence in the tackling. 

A long week of tutoring begins---the same pattern---two or three hours and then returning home mostly exhausted. No "life" once I return. Remember my life pre-pandemic---lots more energy--but sometimes I forget that I was tired at times as well. While waiting for the performance to begin---tried to understand the four year passage of time since the city closed down in mid March 2020. Sometimes it is astounding that four years have gone by---I think of the summers of 21,22,23---try to place events in them from my memory---yet somehow it is hard to determine the exact summer. 

This past week read The Things They Carried--really an amazing book---O'Brien tries to bridge the gap between the sheer horror of war, and the basic vision of life, outside of war. Here in NYC we hear about the brutality of the war in Israel, but can do nothing. Return to our "priviledge". Must live with it now...

Awash with theater.....

 theater in nyc is exploding! No doubt about it--options this weekend are many but nothing compared with what options the theater going "nerd" (is that how I define myself) will have in a few weeks. But as I contemplate my choices, I also have to ask myself "where am I in all this?" Somehow the pre pandemic person I was then---who wanted to see whatever he could---has become an illusion. I am on the outside now--the times I go to see a play that has a friend or more likely, an acqaintance, in it, seems like a visit to a world I once knew--but am not that much part of now, But is that me, or that world? Am I physically so different after working with the illness for 3 years, that somehow I feel that separates me from others. In truth, my life revolves around my tutoring schedule now---I find the work very fulfilling--it is where I want to be---the kind of committment I want to make---but I come home tired--only on weekends can I travel out. Today is cold--will that limit my options further? Tonight at Dixon Place I could see what I think might be a fantastic project with puppets---but of course I would be a "stranger" there. Trying to picutre myeslf at those different places---all of a sudden something stops, and it is not clear what I want to do.

Interesting options for tomorrow (Sunday). Last chance to see Nabucco at the Met---you know my interest in early Verdi is very strong. Could see that--get out at six, and then, nextdoor, at the Walter Reade theater at 7:15 is a movie, part of the Jewish Film Festival, that I promised myself I would see. Called Delegation, apparently it is about three students from Israel who accept a trip to Poland and part of the trip is a visit to one or two of the concentration camps the Nazis established there. How do they absorb that---how does it change them? That is what the movie promises. For some reason, I, a non-religious Jew, want very much to see this film. Can I do both in one day? Or should I? At the Film Forum there is a four hour movie about the Nazi occupation of Amsterdam from 1940 to 1945--a part of me also wants to see and experience that movie---but four hours...? And when? Is there something about being a Jew in those years, living under that occupation that I want to find out for myself. 

And then what? Out of the occupation and into the football playoffs? It's there if I want it. Should be an interesting weekend...

wild night in Queens....

A  friend was appearing in a dance piece at the Chocolate Factory---a performance space where Astoria meets downtown Queens. An odd neighborhood-contrasts galore- filled with new luxury high rises and older apartment buildings---some private homes as well. Cold, cold, cold. Train did not stop at the nearest station which menat a longer walk in an area I did not know. Quiet streets---after some fumbling reached my destination. Starving---found a deli near the space---then misdirected myself on the way back to the theater. Finally returned. My sense of direction has always been strong--yet twice I found myself on the wrong street. 

The performance itself baffled me. The creator-choreographer demonstrated a cold, inarticulate world for her five dancers---some of her choreography, particularly in the first part of the piece was stunning--fascinating to look at---very original---but as the piece progressed, seemed to go nowhere with its content. I don;t mind feeling "distanced" but by the end there seemed to be no point to what it was trying to say. All the touching between the five dancers was cold and a little aggressive, but one was left with just that. Waited afterwards to say hello to my friend Lucy, one of the dancers. She was happy to see me, and we had a good if brief discussion about our lives and the piece. Can't believe that this was the first time that I had seen her in five years---the last time, ironically, when she performed in another and more interesting performance piece by the same choreographer. The memory of that last encounter---January 2019-is so vivid in my mind---how can it be so long---the pandemic intruding and literally taking away time--a dream interfering with real life.

Trip back to the subway was also strange---ended up at the subway platform of the trains that were not running that weekend---can't believe that Queensboro Plaza and Queens Plaza, where the R goes, are so far apart  A dark, strange world last night---should go back some day during the day and figure things out--finally found a shuttle bus that returned me to the R, where i needed to go A real workout for my legs---sometimes the search for the right way to go seemed endless---lost in the dark in Astoria. But the good news is that my energy was able to go with it--I think the reduction in infusion matter during my last treatment is adding to my energy. Another infusion happens on Thursday---no plans for the weekend after because  that might be when the effects of the treatment keep my energy low. But maybe not...

So now it is over....

 A terrible sense of relief! But yesterday was full of "grapples". Wanted very much to go down to my friend's bar on Avenue C and ninth, but was tired most of the day. So if not that, maybe a movie? Shot down that one as well. By 7 I realized that my energy could not support a trip to the East Village, and with some (but not much) reservation, decided to just stay home. Watched some football; listened to some music; also slept a little. Seemed to have made it through, but still, after all these years. haunted by the "myth" of a successful New Years Eve. That would be "what"? A date, or atleast a party with some friends. But it did not happen. Now, the next morning, the anxiety has all but washed away---it's over and I am a free man again. 

As far as today goes....not sure. Maybe one of the many movies that are around---or possibly just a "jaunt" to  Brooklyn---remember those trips east on Lafayette Avenue, as the bus moved from BAM to Bushwick?  There and back-is it still possible? We will see.

Making sense of New Year's Eve....

 The hardest day of the year to get through. why? What choices do I have? Pre pandemic I knew where I would go---to my friend's bar on Grand Street---and muddle through the time ---hope for a few good conversations- and wait until the ball dropped.  But my energy level was high---and I could do something in the afternoon as well. The last year I was out, i saw a movie that afternoon. But this is four years later and stamina is an issue. My friend has opened a new bar---on 9th street and Avenue C---probably closer then his old one, but more complicated to get to.  If I plan on going there---I have to conserve my energy all day. How? Good question. I don't want to stay in the apartment all day---have spent enough time there already. But even an afternoon movie---and God knows there are plenty of interesting movies around---might sap all my energy. What a dilemma! And it is also Sunday---lots of important pro football games are going on.  Can I find a bar to watch them in? What a muddle!

Nothing to do but to wait it out---see how appetite also plays into this.My favorite book store---the Drama Book Store on 39 street is closed today (they are so close to Times Square--that makes sense) I am sure that the Center for Fiction in Brooklyn will also be closed. As is the very necessary Geffein lobby. So what options are open to me during the day if I want to go somewhere and just read. Around here---the upper west side, there isn't much. 

Did nor sleep well last night---fits and starts---the usual--and perhaps the steroids that are given to me before my infusion also keep me up. Right now, around 7:30, energy level is "moderate". So have to work with that. 

Well, let's get it on---will report on the outcome of this crazy, offensive day with its unique once a year demands, possibly tomorrow.