Making sense of New Year's Eve....

 The hardest day of the year to get through. why? What choices do I have? Pre pandemic I knew where I would go---to my friend's bar on Grand Street---and muddle through the time ---hope for a few good conversations- and wait until the ball dropped.  But my energy level was high---and I could do something in the afternoon as well. The last year I was out, i saw a movie that afternoon. But this is four years later and stamina is an issue. My friend has opened a new bar---on 9th street and Avenue C---probably closer then his old one, but more complicated to get to.  If I plan on going there---I have to conserve my energy all day. How? Good question. I don't want to stay in the apartment all day---have spent enough time there already. But even an afternoon movie---and God knows there are plenty of interesting movies around---might sap all my energy. What a dilemma! And it is also Sunday---lots of important pro football games are going on.  Can I find a bar to watch them in? What a muddle!

Nothing to do but to wait it out---see how appetite also plays into this.My favorite book store---the Drama Book Store on 39 street is closed today (they are so close to Times Square--that makes sense) I am sure that the Center for Fiction in Brooklyn will also be closed. As is the very necessary Geffein lobby. So what options are open to me during the day if I want to go somewhere and just read. Around here---the upper west side, there isn't much. 

Did nor sleep well last night---fits and starts---the usual--and perhaps the steroids that are given to me before my infusion also keep me up. Right now, around 7:30, energy level is "moderate". So have to work with that. 

Well, let's get it on---will report on the outcome of this crazy, offensive day with its unique once a year demands, possibly tomorrow.

Have just returned from infusion at cancer center

 Kind of loopy, as one would expect. Will rest most of the day. Not very hungry. Looked in the mirror at the center and at other "mirrors" on the way home. Saw an old man's face. Not very attractive (at least to me) My mind is so dynamic, sprwaling at the seems--that face seems to have nothing to do with my mind. But that is how it is.

What next---lots of tutorig coming up---hope to see some movies or theater in the next week, but there are a lot of variables involved. Saw King of the Jews, a rental at HERE last week-an amazing group of mostly middle aged actors created with great verisimiitude the world of a polish ghetto in the early days of the Polish Occupation by the Nazis. Was caught up in it completely. 

That is all for now. Should blog a little more--frightened that the typing pressure will hurt my screen which is only supported by one half of the frame. Should do somethig about that....but....

a long time between posts

Many reasons---anyway learned a lesson last night. My "infatuation" with the 61 ny film festival is over. Why? Had to see at least one movie this weekend. Saturday it just did not work out-but yesterday after an afternoon nap---a nine o'clock part of their revival series seemed like something I should do. Of course there was only one movie on their schedule, it was called The Strangler---a french movie made in 1970 by a director unknown to me. I assumed last minute tickets would be plentiful---I was wrong---just  got one of three standby tickets and the only place left for me to sit was in the ftont row. No problem. Still the wait was arduous---I guess this year the festival is going to be really crowded---even for the more obscure movies. The movie itself was very precise--it followed a psychopathic killer and the man and woman who try to find him. Harsh--not really a movie I would have chosen to see except it was on the schedule.I was involved all the way---unattractive subject matter but I can understand why the Festival Revival curators wanted it in. It is a very intense and specific take on the subject. 

But somehow the whole experience turned me off. There is a 12:45 movie that I could possibly go to--a film by Lee Grant about an older couple who re-unite with their children on a road trip. But i just don't think I want to spend 2 hours in a movie theater early in the afternoon, before my other tasks. So that is it. The festival runs another two weeks, I had planned to see a few more movies on the schedule--now I have second thoughts. Lots of other options in the culture center that is NY---plays operas and actually other movies. On Friday evening I went to City Ballet--a kind of return for me---between 68 and 83 I went regularly and know most of Balanchine's ballets very well. I did not know how I would feel but after seeing the first two ballets--the one to Chabrier music and Stravinsky's Agon--a sense of "being home" flooded my mind as I sat in the third ring observing them. Plan to go a few more times in the next two weeks if I can fit it in. So that is all for now---will report soon I hope.

A restless time....

 Street party this afternoon in Bushwick. The Bushwick Starr, one of my favorite theater companies is having its yearly block party---outside their new theater, which, I hope will open by early next year. It is a five hour party---beginning at 2--- would like to get there around 4. But what about the rest of the day? restless----I think the best plan would be to go to Brooklyn around 1:30---maybe spend some time at the Center For Fiction, then take the 26 bus which travels through Fort Greene to Bed-Stuy (the new Bed-Stuy, with its coffee shops and new expensive apartments) and finally arrives in Bushwick. That is where my mind stands now---but still so much time to kill. Don't want to sit in a movie theater for two hours before the trip---so just have to work it out. Time seems to be moving very slowly on this Sunday.

Yesterday, two days after my last infusion---spent the day in the neighborhood---some reading of Tony Tanner's Shakespeare Essays in the library---love reading his vision and understanding of the works.  Reading a play by Thomas Middleton called The Witch---written and performed around 1615. Some interesting moments but very episodic and characters seem for want of a better word, one dimensional. Then back to the apartment where just about every major league game yesterday could be seen for free. Watched most of the Oriole-Rocky game---I think it gets to be too much--kept me in the apartment---not so much of a good thing. 

Final week before labor day---usually a slow week--Labor Day for me has always been a beginning of the year. I have a heavy schedule just about each day---will lead into the long Labor Day weekend--once again I will find myself on my own. Have some friends in Williamsburg whom I might call--this might be a good chance to catch up with them---remember how it used to be when South Fourth was opened---could just go there and depend on some interesting conversation. And now...?

Bushwick---In Dreams or Reality....

 So I did it! Voyaged to Bushwick yesterday afternoon. An attempt to recreate the past! Perhaps. Emerged with a totally different perception--of myself! Of the neighborhood as well, but definitely of what that "voyage" means to me after four years and the isolation brought on by the pandemic and of course, the illness.

Spent the morning with chores. The "kicked off" around 2. 1 train to 14th; L to Jefferson---not a very long trip. L full of people going to Brooklyn. Got off at Jefferson---walked to Cobra Club. Found my bartender friend Olivia at the bar---not very crowded at 3:30. Nice to check in with her. We went through the list of old friends and acquaintences we knew over the last 8 or 9 years. Hung out a bit then left for my ultimate goal of the day. To see a movie at Syndicated Bar and movie theater---a venue of Bogart Street a little bit closer to Williamsburg. Syndicated had opened pre pandemic--it always seemed like it would be meaningful to watch a movie there---the movie that I wanted to see was Shiva Baby--an independant film showing at 6. Walked the half mile or so from Cobra to Syndicated---surrounded by mostly young couples moving back and forth. Got my ticket early with no problem---the cashier-bartender was very nice. Had some time to walk on Bogart. Saw Swallow, a coffee shop I used to visit a long time ago, and the Pine Box Rock Shop bar---visited several times pre pandemic to watch baseball or football. Nice, welcoming place. Harder to go into a bar now that I can't order alcohol. Not very crowded---I don't think they would mind if I ordered a sprite---but just observed--and returned to Syndicated.

Loved the movie space venue---enjoyed the movie--an independant film about a young woman about to graduate college at the crossroads of her life. Lots of Jewish bickering and semi-sterotypical "opinions" throughout the movie, but it all worked for me. One actress in a featured role had played Masha in a production of Three Sisters that I directed in the mid-eighties. Seats have lot of room---place half filled so it was almost a private showing---sightlines excellent. The bar at Syndicated was kind of crowded when the film ended so I did not stay around---time to return to the upperwest side? Possibly.

A short walk before hitting the L. Time to take stock. What was different then pre-pandemic cityboy? Who was this new person participating in the Saturday night rituals of the neighborhood. Walking the streets of Bushwick I feltisolated--like a strange visitor aware of his difference. Don't remember experiencing that before. Is it the time...? The vision I have of myself (my hair is gone)...how I cope with the issues of the illness---that now separate me from that much younger group. There is a surreal quality to this whole voyage. Can I do it again...? Do I want to...? Thought I might get off at Bedford and wander around a bit, but actually got off at 3rd Avenue and had a tuna sandwich at a low keyed diner on 17th street. (we are in Manhattan now) Needed a different venue. Then I returned home. 

Tired today--should rest---maybe make it to Drama Book Shop or Library on 40th and 5th which is opened on Sunday. Have to be ready for tomorrow's session---will report soon.

working it through....

 two weeks later--body somewhat having problems with most recent infusion. Felt good afterwards---a little loopy as usual but good enough to work two sessions---Friday not bad also---ended up at the Geffen lobby and heard Schumann's 3rd Symphony---an amazing piece. The 4th and next to the last movement seems almost written by another musical mind, but for some reason, the 3rd movement kept resonating with me. 

Yesterday I had hopes for a movie and possibly some "hang out" time at my friend's bar, but it did not happen. After a morning of reading in the Lincoln Center Library, I was tired---not much energy for the rest of the day. At the library I read Tanner's essay on Hamlet---amazing how he pulls together all the contrasting strands in Hamlet's character and the play itself. I left feeling very stimulated---I love reading that book---but I can only take his take on one play at a time.So there should be much more to read. As the evening moved in, I thought it might be possible to see the second act of Hamlet in the park----I had seen the first act 5 weeks earlier and admired it---but I was tired--I wandered around Amsterdam between 84th and 79th---full of people---what seemed like an endless amount of couples--then just returned home. Today, much at the mercy of my what I think is an over-medicated body so I have just walked around the neighborhood. Still the evening to come---I want to leave the apartment and go somewhere--a possible free Shakespeare performance in walking distance---maybe, but who knows?

The week begins tomorrow and I think I have three sessions---should keep me busy, and I am sure my body will cooperate---I had hoped that in my free time this summer, I could return to the voyages  and something resembling the life that I had in the summer of 19, but so far that has not been possible. My friends in Brooklyn will see me---but i have to reach out---and somehow I am not doing that. Also, my energy level is so different. Will I return to Cobra club or Starr bar at some point? Hard to say---if my body can come around---well, we will see.

Good time yesterday.....

 Probably my most "expansive" day in Brooklyn in maybe 4 years. I challenged myself to get away from the upper west side by "any means", no matter how tired I felt at any given moment. And I succeeded. First started off at Drama Bookstore; meandered there for a while; read a one act by Samuel Hunter called Lewiston---deeply felt, then decided that I would head out to Brooklyn. Found the Q train at 42nd street and took it to DeKalb, and the fun began.

Actually I had a place I wanted to go. There was a block party to celebrate the one year anniversary of the destruction of a community center by an agressive developer who happened to take advantage of a "lapse" in communication between two city agencies. The block was Willoughby, between Nostrand and Marcy -kind of the western edge (now, maybe not 20 years ago) of Bed-Stuy. Took the G to Nostrand, then walked a few blocks north to Willoughby. Interesting walk---so many new houses, and so many beautiful brownstones on the side streets (like the beginning of Hart Street) that one wonders if this really was the area that, for most of my adult life, I had to avoid. Arrived on Willoughy---the block between Nostrand and Marcy is incredibly long----and heard the music of the party. Lots of people on the street---which seems  an incredible mix of black and white homeowners. People greeting each other---a very relaxed vibe--I was offered a free glass of lemonade, which I greatfully accepted---then simply watched the gathering---with wonder...? I must have stood on the Marcy end of the block for about a half hour just taking the whole thing in---no passer by engaged me in conversation and I did not initiate any--still fascinated by flow. So this is Bed-Stuy 2023. Look forward to more walks and explorations in the area---maybe more interesting or imaginative then a movie or play---my mind and life are more active in that situation.

Returned to downtown Brooklyn via the DeKalb avenue bus---then settled in at the only bar-restaurant that, post pandemic, I feel comfortable in. Can't name if for the moment but it is directly north of Theater for a "New" Audience. Bartender knows me-settled in for a Caesar Salad (about all that I can afford) and a few hours of watching the baseball games going on. Mostly by myself---still a nice chance to relax--gave the bartender a nice tip---he deserves it, since he recognizes and welcomes me. When you are on your own, traveling through the city  sometimes your bartender becomes your best friend. This is not exactly that, but he still makes me feel welcome. 

Allowed the fatigue to finally get to me and took the 2 back to the uppper west side. My body felt very strong during the whole trip---first infusion with the port on Thursday, we will see how that plays out. Tired but fulfilled today---not sure what the plan is.