so it is three weeks since my last post

 why? Harsh life seems to have overtaken me---would like to write about memories and operas I love (like Don Carlos) and books I am reading, but practical matters can be strong---not overwhelming, but strong---so I don't feel like posting.

It's Saturday, close to 7 P.M, have been up since around 5:30 with just one nap, and one abortive nap--too many fantasies of old girl friends or old imaginary girl friends. Unlikw pre pandemic days, I usually stay in at nights. Tonight would love to go out---but my body aches---no it feels like pins are in my legs and shoulders-not conducive to running around. I remember two weeks ago I went to Metrograph and had a great time---wonderful to see a different world,then the upper west side, but today, if I go out at all, following this post, I will probably stay within walking distance of the apartment. 

Looking at my high school year book---Bronx Science, 1960; it seems like half the class lived on Walton Avenue in the Bronx. It is an avenue a block (or sometimes two) west of the Concourse.and it runs north south for about 4 miles. So many students from the same world---probably middle class Jewish families. Sometimes I go to google maps to check out an address---what can I say---a world lost. 

How can I describe what my body feels? A heavyness seems to move through it. Is it the chemo pills, finally having their effect on me? Two ct scans coming up on Tuesday and a doctors visit the Thursday after that, should reveal allut 

I enjoy writing theater memories on the Broadway Remembered Facebook page---it has given me a chance to write about theater in the fifties and sixties and impart information. Always try to keep things positive. Tomorrow a visit to a friend's exhibit in Vinegar Hill Brooklyn, and on Monday, possibly attending the spring concert at Friends. Next day the scans, and then the two days of tutoring. Wish I had more---but I don't act---just wait,,,,,,,will report soon.

Almost a month....

since my last post. Why? The practical world has taken over---I am trying to negotiate my financial plans for the coming months and it could be troublesome. But then again, perhaps not. Trying very hard to keep to a budget---doing well, may bring in my credit cards to help, if needed. Some moments stressed out---some moments excited just by the warmer weather that we are finally getting. Two tutoring sessions today, one tomorrow, should keep me going, but could use more. Some bad breaks--but have to deal with  it. Will try to attend my first opera performance since the pandemic and illness on Friday---courtesy of one of my many credit cards---it will be Don Carlos, one of my most meaningful operas. Will see if that is possible.

If there was no illness, and more money available, would I be checking out shows every night? Possibly, about two weeks ago, went to 54 Below to see a Reunion show that my niece participated in. When I arrived and sat down, it was as if I had emerged from a cocoon, into a vibrant, thriving world. Colors all around that I had not seen before. Completely by myself, yet I had a wonderful time---I owe so much to my niece for participating in the concert, and bringing me along. Wonderful supportive energy in the room---almost an alternative universe where musical comedy reigns supreme, and the horrors of the rest of the world are obliterated. Must remember that. 

Spend much time on google maps, looking at many streets in the Bronx. There they are, the buildings that were my reality as a child, a world of mostly Jewish, mostly middle classall white kids and adults---what has become of that world? I understand that a whole different group of people live on those streets now. No restaurants in sight, mostly bodegas on many blocks. How to bridge the gap? When I am stronger, can I walk those streets and see what life is like there now? We will see.

Have some books at home, but can't get myself to read them. Stephen Crane and Gish Jen--but no comittment to get into those books. Entertaining myself on the different web sites, particularly now that baseball is back. But what is next...?

Betwixed and between,,,,

 So it is Monday morning, a holiday, and I am trying to figure out how to spend the day. Ideal day to go out to Brookyn and wander around....yes? Even with my bag?  Its possible, but, as I was just thinking, visiting Brooklyn has somehow for me turned into a surreal dream---as if I am there on borrowed time---a trip that somehow must be ended at some point, and I am doomed to take the subway back to the reality of the upper west side. Pre-pandemic, this neighborhood, the upper west side was insignificant to me--now, though I appreciate its "separateness" and the quiet street that I live on, which is excellent for my health problems,  there is also a coldness among the inhabitants, as if your business---good or bad---is not their concern. But it is so convenient to the upper Harlem spaces that I tutor in---I can be back in my apartment in a very short time, after one or two tutoring sessions. Imagine living in Brooklyn and having to get there from 145th and Amsterdam, while being very tired. Unrealistic. But that is where it stands now.

After two very cold days, the weather is about to improve. Means, I hope, more time outside. Just contacted the parent of fwo former regular students of mine, in the hope of getting some more work. Right now, I am at the mercy of the whims of my students' parents. If they feel like canceling they do, leaving me out in the cold. Same with Friends,where, for all the hard work I did early in January when they were desperate for subs, I seem to have been canceled out. Was it the fall that I took four weeks ago that changed everything?  Or is there simply less need for me. Am I entitled to more "respect" there, because of all the time and committment i have put in over the last 14 (yes, fourteen) years?  At this point, just let it play out.

Yesterday went to the film forum and saw Stray Dog, a Kurosawa film starring Mifune. Felt detached and removed during much of the films first hour, but the last 40 minutes really hooked me in---some amazing close ups that heighten the action. Want to see at least one more of the Kurosawa-Mifune collaboration---saw Rashomon a few times on TV---also produced a play version of it in my last year at Hopkins. So I know that one well. Theater was nearly filled for a 12:40 showing. The first time I have seen that since pre-pandemic. The seven or so other movies that I have seen have had much smaller audiences. Will see at least one more movie this week---many choices--will figure it out as I go along. Will report soon.

Quite a week....

 a broken toilet handle, a door that does not squeak, mice in the apartment followed by a visit by an exterminating crew, not paid for by the managing agent of the building---at least not yet---a sense of sadness  frustration  at the way the apartment i hadled now---a visit to Friends to see a basketball game---three tutoring sessions yesterday, two of them I feel rerpresented my best---the other, a little vague, I should be more knowledgeable about some seventh grade problems---will try to improve this week---a new novel---and Superbowl Sunday---pre pandemic a "big day" for me---not so sure where I will be when this takes place today.

Found a good novel in the library this week---taking a break from the Atticus Lish one that I was currently reading. It is All Grown Up, by Jamie Attenberg. The central character--a mid thirties educated woman, living in south Willliamsburg before its upscale explosion---trying to find herself, not married, comfortable with sex  with men for its own sake---a voyager---makes me feel a little left out of "the party", of course, I don't drink, and many of this character's encounters take place after much liquor has been consumed. Writtin with great honesty and sensitivity---very vivid characterizations of the world she inhabits---strange that she live near South fourth at the time I began to be a "regular" there---but out paths never crossed---I wonder if she ever went to that bar--coffee shop. At any rate, will read it to its end---pretty close---and then probably return to Lish's book which, though well written, doggedly remains fixed on the same subject. 

Interesting documentary at the Film Forum---about a bullying experience when the director of the doc was in the fifth grade--some fifty three years ago. Apparently he interviews many participants of the incidents---now in their sixties---to see what their vision of the incident is. The public school they attended was in Sheepshead Bay, a part of Brooklyn that at that time---around 65---was fairly similar to the Jewish area that I was raised in in the Bronx. That is why I am so anxious to see the movie. It is playing with a narrative feature called The Playground---can I check it out today...? Who knows, but feel that seeing it could be meaninful for me. Will report on it if and when I see it.

 

the next Sunday morning.....

 cold, cold, got out early to the nearby hotel; waited for coffee--read the John Le Carre novel that I took almost by chance from the library yesterday. Really good---it has captured me, and I will try to read as much of it as I can today. But what else? Absolutely no commitments--at least one movie---possibly part of the film series showing at the Film Forum of films made in NY in the late forties and fifties. Have not gone to one yet---an interesting one showing around 4:30, called the window---obscure, might be fun to watch.  Meanwhile Metrograph is having a John Stahl festival---he was a director who made many films in the 30's and 40's---amazingly enough around 90 years ago. Ah, Metrograph---pre pandemic that was my go to spot for movies---loved the ambiance--the energy---it seemed like everyone there really was interested in films---or atleast that is what I imagined it to be. Reading on the couch in the lobby---I wonder if the layout is still the same, or post pandemic it has been stripped down---like the Lincoln Center theaters---almost bare in relation to what they once were pre March 2020,

Yesterday, four tutoring sessions---felt good, still need some more for the week. Returned to the apartment around 5, did not go out again, Today---a need to be out. Read some essays from the anthology of black writing in the New Yorker, which I have out of the library. Stuck with Atticus Lish's new novel--about abook woman who has ALS. He is a strong writer--reading him is fulfilling---but here he seems to be stuck on the same subject for most of the first hundred pages that I read. LeCarre is a nice break from that--his book moves refreshingly quickly through its narrative. 

I returned to Friends for the first time since the "accident" to see the middle school play directed by my friend Shayna. Previously she directed  in the McCrae space, kind of a rudimentary playing space---now she worked in the new Great Hall---lots of possibilities for tech explosions while staging her work, which she took advantage of. Still, miss the humanity of the earlier work, a little lackng in this one. More on this some other time.

So let the rest of the day begin---lets see how I use my " freedom"--a day where I have no committment to anything but my own desires. Will report soon.

survival weekend....

 Sunday morning late: still in the apartment. Yesterday, cold weather forced me to stay indoors just about all of the day. Considered a movie at Lincoln Center towards the evening, but when out shopping, the cold was so brutal that I decided it was better to stay inside. Watched Yale Princeton basketball game instead---a really good game that Yale jusl pulled out. So went the main part of the evening.

A movie today...? Yes, but what and where? How far do I want to travel and do I want to find a place to watch the two football playoff ga---mes today. Well, they don't start for a while, so....at Lincoln Center---Hiroshima Mon Amour, an amazing film made in 59. I saw it my first year at Hopkins---17 years old, still remember it. I took a date, and the movie theater was in a part of Baltimore that I had never been to. I remember being overwhelmed by the erotic images in the movie---it was startling to me. The intensity---do I want to relive those images again, now in my present?  To see the movie today, would also mean visiting my seventeen year old self, remembering the trip, the bus ride to the theater---trying to navigate the unknown streets of that part of Baltimore. Probably too much overload. I have a fantasy of taking a woman I am having an affair with, who has never seen Hiroshima Mon Amour,before, to see it. That and Persona---a great movie to re-see with someone you are very close to.  But I am not having an affair with anyone at this given moment. To see the movie alone...? Maybe too much.

Return to Cobra Club, maybe see a play---still might be too difficult---Sundays have become odd days for me---instead of the voyages in and around Bushwick, I simply remain home, most of the time, and wait for the week to begin.That is where the action is now---either at Friends or tutoring. Last week 10 sessions--would have had more if the snow had not closed the libraries. Enjoying the intensity, the focus of my relationships with the kids I am tutoring. Speaking of wish, yesterday I read an essay about Prep for Prep, and its effects on the black students who were part of it. Really interesting---part of a group of essays by black writers that were published in the New Yorker. Will continue reading more today.

two days of....

snow, looks like that is what is coming up.  What does that mean for me---well, it means I will be spending more time then expected in the apartment--it also means that I lose out on some money that I expected to make from tutoring. I was expecting three to four students on Saturday---possibly I can see one or two on Friday. It is not so much making up the money (though that is hardly unimportant) but that I really feel one or two of my students really need the input. However, schedules oft he children whom I work with and their parents and relatives, (who often take them to the library) are hard to change---so we will have to see what happens. 

For myself, I guess it means that instead of checking out a movie or so, or having some coffee in a restaurant, I will be at home. So what will I do? Read, read, read, at least that is my visionw. The library on 145 street where I tutor has a new novel by Atticus Lish---I liked his earlier one--I think today I will try to check it out. Also, Paul Auster has written an enormous biography of the writer Steven Crane--it looks amazing, even if I have read very little of Crane's work. It is about 800 pages--Crane died at 25---a lot of pages for a short life. I don't really know how Auster does it---I would love to read it---or some of it---but it is a lot like planning to read War and Peace (which I have never read). How can you give yourself over to a commitment that takes so much time. And if I have time before this "noreaster" I should visit the theater library at Lincoln Center, and take out a few plays to look at. Still have not read Alice Childress' plays (I missed the production of Trouble In Mind at the Roundabout) --maybe some Shaw, and some part of me wants to read The Voice of the Turtle, by John Van Druten, a three character play that ran for several years during World War II. The typical "well made" well constructed comedy, I am curious to see if this "machine" still holds up. My favorite play of that kind remains Barry's The Animal Kingdom--well made, but very powerful in how it deals with human emotions.

Much has happened since the last post, too much to really describe here. After my whirlwind return to Friends, this week I have been tutoring. At this point, I seem to prefer it to subbing---I feel my immediate focus on my students is stronger then its ever been. 

Thursday morning---first day I don't have to be at the library until around 4. More space and time---will report soon.