The next Sunday evening...S

 Sundays always seem to be the most difficult of days. Today I seemed to go in and out of the apartment endlessly. Yet I accomplished some things: paid my computer bill, had two nice conversations with friends, helped another friend out with her taxes---a bit. Still, not very fulfilling. d Ended up by watching a documentary about the Son of Sam case (1977) that centered on a reporter who did not believe that David Berkwitz was the sole shooter. Stopped after two chapters---that was enough. Then back to baseball and basketball scores, which is how I usually finish my evenings.

Found a nice group on Facebook called Broadway Remembered. Posts are mostly about stars and plays of the past. Gives me a chance to write some interesting  theater memories, from the fifties and sixties. someone posted abouts  New Girl in Town, the musical adoption of O'Neill's Anna Christie, that starred Gwen Verdon in her first  role after her success in Damn Yankees. Got a chance to tell what I liked about it and what its problems were. Got some nice feedback.Will visit that group often. 

I remember very vividly seeing the musical. It was on a Wednesday matinee in June of 57---I had just graduated Junior High School 135, and I went by myself. I felt a real excitement sitting in around the second row of the balcony at the 46th Street theater, where the show was playing. That was an interesting summer. For the past 6 summers it was always eight weeks sleep away camp. This summer David and I were going to fly out to California and spend two weeks with our cousin Jerry and her husband Sid, and their four children, Then a flight to Denver to meet our parents---our dad was taking some courses at the University of Colorado at Boulder, and we were spending most of the summer there. That was a great summer---at least for me---got a chance to "date" and pursue some women my own age, and be part of a group of kids whose parents were also taking courses at the University that summer. Loved the lack of structure---and made a really close friend Ernie Northrup from Elmira. He was a lot older then me, but I think we bonded over our love of sports and problems with girl friends. A meaningful summer--maybe will elaborate on it more in the future. We actually drove home---not the greatest trip, but David and I got a chance to see a game at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh.  This meant a lot to us as we were both Pirate fans. Strange, I don't remember who won the game. Anyway, we returned home and I prepared for my first year at Bronx Science.

Had two ct scans and an mri (believe it or not, I made it through)---still waiting to get final results, will report soon. Still reading McBride's Deacon King Kong--vivid picture of a universe that was part of the Red Hook houses. Want to finish it soon---still do not like to read in the apartment, That is it for now, will report soon.

to write, or to read....

 that is the question. So much  easier losing one self in another person's language or vision. Yet writing, even a little, is kind of stimulating.  A sense of my own power---my own "ability to create".  Anyway, here it is---early Sunday morning---not the greatest of mornings. Woke up feeling overwhlemed by problems. No need to categorize them. At this point, feeling more "real", that is to say in the present. Already went out and bought a gigantic fruit cup from Fairway. Will probably go to the hotel coffee bar around the corner and get my coffee and read. 

Still wondering if I can get to Brooklyn? Too many risks? Maybe after Tuesday, when I receive the ct scan and MRI, I will be more relaxed. BRIC is opened, I wonder if the large Atrium across the street from BRIC has reopened. Spent many relaxed times there, watching sports, hanging out. A nice place for people just "to be".And then, on the other side of the street, right by BAM, the Center for Fiction. Wonder if they are opened at full speed, or if their coffee bar has reopened. When I visited last August, it was just books, no coffee, no bathroom---kind of a ghost of itself. Spent really many terrific times there, between its opening and the pandemic. Read The Not Wives, by Carly Moore, completely there. A terrific novel, taking place around the time of the Occupy movement.  Yesterday, browsed in Strand's bookstore on the upper west side. So many fascinating possibilities. Bought nothing---getting my books from the library now, and besides, want to complete James McBride's book Deacon King Kong, before starting something else. Deacon takes place in the Red Hook projects in the sixties--McBride's authentic voice  (it is where he was raised) brings it to life with a cool force. Each scene with different characters, a kind of mini-play or short story. This author writes amazing dialogue.

I think I should stop here. Nice work, so far---ready to face the rest of the day.

but it did not happen....

by now that is old news, But I should have written about it before. The ct scan and mri was canceled because the person who  made the appointment from the oncolgist's office did not coordinate with my medicare provider. All hell broke loose! At least in my head, When calm was restored, it was promised that they would make the appointment again---and now a week later---I am still waiting. Should find out dates soon. I did see my two other doctors, however, and the results were decent. My surgeon must see the results of the two tests before he decides his course of action. 

Being in limbo is not hard. In fact I kind of like it. Strange world I am living in now---it totally centers on me---the outside world seems pushed away. But I want to get back to it---going out for my 6:30 coffee, I remembered that when I was tutoring in the Bronx, I would get coffee from a truck that sat outside the Simpson Street station. That is a poor neighborhood, standing in line with the other customers, all of whom were hispanic, I felt a good sense of energy. I would long to go back there again--just get on the 2 train and go---but of course, too many things stop me now. Every day I remember and go over in my mind streets in Brooklyn---in Bed Stuy, Bushwick, Park Slope---still not able to return. That should be my project as I continue this wait---there must be a way I can at least make a short trip without worrying about "the bag". We will see. 

Yesterday began at 3A.M. when the window pane that was attached to the broken one that was holding on, fell off, exposing me to the elements. Not so bad---it was fairly warm; if that had happened the night before when it was in the low forties, it would have been scary. Got through it---did not sleep, got the handyman to come---he made some decent adjustments, but now a new window is needed. By the evening, I was pretty tired---went to bed around 7,---almost slept straight through to 5:30---body decimated. I guess I needed all that time in bed, just to recover, emotionally and physically. Now at aroundd 7 A.M. legs are spindly, but the rest of my body is relaxed and easy. 

Lots of small tasks today---also hope to finish Rodham---Curtis Sittenfeld's take on Hilary's alternative life--she writes very well (Sittenfeld, that is) and it is a good read. Not sure what will be next. Will report soon.

One more day.....

 until my ct and mri. That will be tomorrow morning. CT test is easy---MRI not so much. 45 minutes in the pod---the first time I had one, right before the ileostomy, I thought it would be brief---when it was not I was very annoyted---wanted out---I think I stopped it a little early, but they got what they wanted. In January I actually jumped out of the pod, just as the procedure was starting, Just could not do it---don't want that to happen tomorrow. I have a valium pill, which I can take before both tests---then some support from Laura, the social worker from radiation oncology. I have asked her to make sure that I am all right, after the MRI. In January when I rejected it, the three doctors working with me  did not seem to feel it was too important---radiation followed, but I suppose because I have finished that treatment now it will help my surgeon be more informed---at least I hope that is what it will do. Try to understand, cityboy, that it is just 45 minutes in time---not a machine trying to hurt you. Why that fantasy...? I don't know--the same kind of fear I experienced when I fantasized the colonoscopy---and yet the reality was totally opposite. So there you have it---wish me luck!

On my third novel in a week---this is Rodham, a fictionalized account of the life of Hilary Clinton, written by Cutis Sittenfeld. She did a great job with an earlier novel called American Wife---another fictionalized "autobiography" this time about Laura Bush. Rodham is narrated by Hilary---I am still close to the beginning; the narrative voice of Hilary, is idealistic, and full of passionate discovery. She and Bill have just become a couple, and she is totally into it. The voice is very likeable---will the novel get to the other parts of her that one has heard about---the ability to berate others---the love for money---shes seems so far away from that now. I am full into it---I want to see how her life, as told in this novel, will evolve. Yesterday I finished Monogamy, by Sue Miller, who is a skillful writer, but creates a world for her white upper middle class Cambridge Massachusets characters that is completely safe---and ultimately artificial. These are bright people ( of course) and over a 30 year period what do they mostly do. Attend book readings, go to dinner parties, wander through the high end stores of Cambridge. It is a world completely divorced from anything happening anywhere else; not one character posesses a shred of interest or awareness of other neighborhoods, lifestyles, poverty etc. Yes, she writes very well, but by the end, I was tired of the world of the characters. What next...? Not sure--have a long way to go in Rodham and want to finish that first. 

Not much else---following baseball season closely---easy with the computer---that occupies me a good deal---some movies,,,? Maybe later---let it happen....

time for another post...

 just got two calls from the payroll person at my surgeon's office. The first insisted that the surgeon, whom I am seeing in a week, and who will plan my one or two operations is no longer in my network! Horrors! Disaster! But my strategy was to call the representative who is working to get me on Medicaid and see if she could handle it. Ten minutes later, another phone call from the payroll person. It seems that the doctor is in the network after all. False alarm! So why am I still tensed out about it? Hard to focus on anything else.

Some back peddling--maybe this will calm me down. This is my "wait" week. Just some phone calls to make and some banking to do. Next Monday: Ct scan and (hopefully) MRI, Tuesday a visit to the radiation oncologist, wednesday to the blood people (that really is a community) and the blood oncologist, and Friday the visit to the surgeon mentioned above. It will be then, I hope, that sme dates are set for my one or possibly two operations. Then I can make some plans for the next few weeks and into early July.

Other than that, things are pretty calm (when I am not overeating). Reading a lot more---finished The Turner House---a strong accomplishment from the writer Angela Flornoy. She managed to create the flow of the generations that she challenged herself to make Three generations of a black family, mostly based in Detroit, In the last 24 hours, have read Shakespeare's Two Gentlemen of Verona. An interesting work, filled with word play---almost obsessive about it. Thought to be one of Shakespeare's earlier plays, but the writing is very sophistocated. Real date of creation shrouded in mystery. The characters'  passions are undercut constantly by the intellectuality of the language. Tough play to put on, have not seen a production since a very poor one from Canada in High School.  But of course there was the musical of Two Gentlemen, the MacDermott-Guare creation that Susan, my ex wife and myself must have seen at least 7 times over a three year period, Guare eliminated most of the word play and replaced it (in collaboration with Mcdermott) with a bouncy macho laced energy that was infectious. Whenever the two of us were not sure what we wanted to see, we would check in with the musical. The late Raul Julia---incredible! So I was really surprised by how intellectual the original play is. Like Richard II, which I read earlier this year, it seems to inhabit a language and vision that is separate from Shakespeare's other plays. Same writer..? Who knows. 

Okay, chilled out a little bit. Have some reading to do, and tonight is a heavy sports night. Will report soon.

a long time posting....

Why so long? Baseball gets in the way---no, I am serious---with so many games and so many statistics about players that I long to find out---it takes up a lot of time. Will try to post a little more frequently. At this point, health wise, things look positive. No hospital or doctor visits until April 26---that is about 13 days. That will be the longest amount of time that I will not have been medically supervised in quite a while. Beautiful day outside--tried to take advantage of it with a walk to the Barnes and Noble bookstore, and then spent about a half hour there, just browsing. Saw the new Philip Roth bio, also Tovah Fedschuh has a bio that looks interesting. Both have long waiting lists at the library, and, at this point, are too expensive for me to think about buying. Did reserve Susan Miller's latest novel called Monogamy---love and betrayal among the Cambridge Mass types, at least that is what I think it is. Also, Rodham, by Curtis Sittenfeld, apparently an alternative life of "you know who". Still moving through The Turner House, the. novel about three generations of a black family in Detroit, Constantly interesting---though the writer diffuses sometimes, because she has to cover a lot of ground. (thirteen children in the first generation)

While walking east from Riverside Park to Broadway via 82nd street, remembered a feeling of peace and serenity that I experienced on another west side walk. It was Spring of 1966---a Saturday evening, and I was feeling very contented. I had put my sad romance with my "Goucher friend" behind me---life was fun at the Department of Welfare office in the Bronx where I worked, and I guess I felt my acting classes with Milton Katselas was building my resolve to leave the department and audition on my own. At the moment, though, all was calm. I was living in a rooming house on West 94 street, so the walk must have been in the low nineties or high eighties around West End and Riverside. No romantic involvement or yearning that I can remember. Just an easy "high".  Soon afterwards I left the Department of Welfare and its quirky young community to devote myself fully to getting acting jobs. It did not work---I found myself with much too much time on my hands. Should I have stayed at the Department a little longer. Leaving it was the beginning of my "plunge into chaos", as I tried to hold things together without working. Ultimately it all resolved itself, but not before a lot of testing and strange adventures. More about that some other time (possibly) lets just say I survived the twists and turns of the next few years. 

Thats all for now--time to get back to baseball---I guess, will report soon,

another Sunday....

 Radiation finished---st ill greatful for the terrific staff at the radiation center---made coming there every weekday morning really safe and meaningful. Now mornings are free--less structure---celebrated my first free morning day by not washing up! Not great huh? But the day was so ugly---so little chance to leave the apartment, it did not really matter. With radiation over, I find that my body goes through changes---sometimes very energetic; some times lethargic. As a result i have very few plans for the day---I try to get out when I can----this afternoon is supposed to be mild---so hopefully I can move around some then.

I see the blood oncologist tomorrow, then, maybe one other trip to them this month. In three weeks I have a ct scan and visits to two doctors. Will find out then what the future holds. For now, I am left in limbo---not a bad place to be after the five weeks at the radiation center. How will I spend my time? Not sure---once again will have to test my body each day. Will I ever reach full---that is pre pandemic strength---again? And what about Friends? Will they have a public graduation and senior dinner that I can attend? Hope so, but the days are getting closer.

Can keep very busy in the apartment following baseball. Do not have the package, but still can follow any game pitch by pitch on the baseball web site. Of course, can't see it---just get the report, but that seems to be enough for me right now. It is still very hard for me to read in the apartment. Waiting to get into The Turner House; I have read most of the first three chapters---really enjoying it---but restlessness gets the better of me when I am not at the computer. Also, I have Hemingway's A Movable Feast---read the first chapter and really enjoyed it---but same problem. As I sit here I think of the Fiction Center in Brooklyn, across the street from BAM. How I loved going there--just sitting at a table, sipping coffee and reading. That is how it should be. Do I have the stamina to make a visit there now, from my apartment on the upper west side? Don't know. And have they re-opened there coffee venue? Do not know that either. Just remember how much I liked being there in the summer and fall of 19, and the very powerful novel called The Not Wives, by Moore that I read completely at the Center. There is no place like it in Manhattan, and definitely not on the upper west side. Must be content with "browsing through the neighborhood Barnes and Noble--not the greatest--but...? 

That should be all for now. Maybe with more time on my hands, can increase volume---we shall see.