Night on 84 street

A weekend of rest---"enforced" rest--recovering from the chemo infusion on Thursday. Not much done except reading---but very interesting reading---but more of that later. Finally had to get out at night. Could not stay in. Visited the "game" coffee shop on 84 street directly west of Amsterdam. Probably the only place in the neighborhood where one can sit and read and not have to drink alcohol. Somewhat welcoming, though they got my order wrong. Continued reading Henry VI part II, a fascinating mess of different styles--I can't believe that only one person  was the author---one amazing scene in which a landowner kills Jack Cade, a commoner who had tried to gather an army of citizens and seize the  thrown. Lots to think about---does the scene forshadw MacBeth? 

Finally left--decided not to return to my apartment via Amsterdam, with its multiple bars-restaurants but opted for the much more quieter Broadway. First, however the trip from the coffee shop to the Broadway corner--dark and not much attended---and then the memory---that in the early sixties, the street was considered the most dangerous one in the city. And now--a west side nightmare turned into a much tamer block. But as I walked in the dark, I could almost experience  the "horror" of the past---sixty years of vision--the story of a street. I felt like I was reaching into the void. But of course, that is what one carries with one as one ages---the memory---the story of the past. Every walk down the west side streets, or the east side, or Park Slope, is like a movie--sixty or so years of change---my generation trying to find itself-- the :cooness" of not having a lot of money--and still living comfortably. The street was quiet-dark---did I think I was walking into a nightmare. 

Broadway from 84th South to the apartment. Quiet, a few restaurants opened---a few couples sitting in the outdoors outside one of the candy shops. A strange contrast to Amsterdam--on the trip to the coffee shop  I spent much time dodging people--weaing in and out.

So there we go. Had to publish this--give voice to the "nightmare voyage", Tomorrow a full day of work---and possibly laundry.

On the "upper west"

 Had a chance to wander around the Central Park West and Columbus Avenue corridor this afternoon and early evening. First,  went to Plaza Cinema--the"invented" movie house that is actually in a Church. Yet they program  some interesting movies--today I saw "Sorry, Baby" a well thought out and sensitive movie by Eva Victor--about a young woman recovering from a rape by her graduate school professor. The theater is mostly attended by the elderly of the upper west---they seem to flock there. But the real highlight of the afternoon was roaming around the area---walking east on 68 street from Columbus to Central Park West, and then west on 67street from CPW to the movie theater which is almost at Columbus.Memories---stories from the last sixty years---the area now seems full of wealth, but what was it like in the late sixties when I first moved to the upper west side. Brownstones that could be drug dens. Other brownstones with three separate rooms on a floor and one bathroom shared by each of the rooms. I knew several people who lived that way; if you were young--in your twenties or early thirties and were not sure where you were going, it was normal. Now, they are simply "stately" brownstones.  Both 68 and 67 street contain many large houses that must have been pre war--especially on 67 street, I had never known that they were there---who lived there in the sixties? Must have been a middle class, professional population. The side streets, as I have just mentioned, could be dangerous. Yet these are beautifully designed apartment house---of course, now they are all probably coops. Oh, and yes, the many welfare hotels that stood off the avenues--a very different world,  yet one could travel on it, as I did in the mid and late sixties without any real fear. But the energy was more "rough hewn"---one had to be careful. And a  huge gulf still existed between the upper west side, and the upper east, across the park. Any one looking for stability or whose goal was to :move up" in the world, would not be caught on the upper west side--the change, as I saw it, came in the late seventies, but that is another story.

After the movie, went for some pizza ---did not like the nearest one on 68th off Columbus---a little grimy---so I wandered north on Columbus to 74th street. Amazed at what I saw---restuarant after restaurant lining  Columbus. and a few on the side streets as well. How many? Could easily be close to twenty---all about the same prices---I would think 40 or 50 dollars per person is the norm--and, most of them pretty filled up. This is what the neighborhood has become--many young couples walking the streets---some smiled at me---a nice energy--I really wanted to be part of it---enjoy it. But my financial fortunes would not allow me to enter any of those places---and since the pandemic I am not sure how comfortable I would feel in them. Things are so different now--pre pandemic there were bartenders who knew and liked me---who would let me "hang" even if I did not order much--lots of good conversation and a feeling of welcome---but I don't have that now. Bar prices are much higher---the medication that I take for my on going illness  prevents me from ordering a beer---and those more friendly places in Brooklyn are much harder for me to get to now, as my stamina levels are very different. . And I have not found any place in the immediate neighborhood that I can consider a hangout. So I remain, "separate".

Already nine o clock---should get back to my reading---tomorrow seeing McCraney's play, The Brother Size, at the Shed in Hudson Yards. My first visit there---will go early and try to get a sense of the place--will report soon.

Unstructured afternoon...

 got a bang in the head at a bank I was withdrawing money from. Still hurts a bit, but mind as sharp as ever. Any residuals---hope not. 

At the Lincoln Center library, spent much of the time reading Schickel's biography of Kazan. Would have preferred Kazan's autobiography but it was not there. Focused on the three plays that I saw in the late fifities that he directed: Inge's The Dark at the Top of the Stairs; MacLeish's JB, and Willians' Sweet Bird of Youth. A very important and defining time for me as a teen-age theater goer---finally got a chance to see "adult"plays, by playwrights whom, when I was younger, I could hear about from my parents, but not see. I remember the excitement I felt when I was planning my trip to see the Inge play. Almost like losing my virginity--a true"event"---I would be totally different when I left the theater. Similarly, Sweet Bird was my first Williams---again, could not, in a way, even believe that I would be let in the theater. I remember these experiences so well--- but what amazes me now is how much detail I remember---as if I could throw myself back into my teen age years---coincidentally the three years I spent at Bronx Science. Ah, more memories

Timmy Everett playing the Jewish cadet in Dark at the Top of the Stairs---Newman, amazing at that matinee of Sweet Bird, and of course, Christopher Plummer's incredibly masculine and crystallized Nickels in JB. Was able to see JB twice---the first time it went somewhat by me---but the second time--late August of 59---a matinee---the show running towards its end--was able to get a cut rate ticket in the second row orchestra side. Wow! The excitement I felt being so close! My senior year at Science about to begin---looking ahead to seeing J again--I had thoght about her all summer---would something really happen between us. She lived on the upper west side---I in the Bronx--that alone was enough to make her desirable. My memory---time has stopped. So many details. 

But what does it all mean now? It is almost upsetting---how full the memory is. 

Write some more---expand---not sure--will have to wait and see.

Searching for "Gramma"!

 First of all, readers, whoever you are, I want you to know that my weekend "funk" is over---I think a lot had to do with the overwhelming torpor the medication that I get every three weeks caused. And on Monday I had three tutoring sessions---the give and take with the students was very lively---created an almost "jaunty" feeling for me. But who is "Gramma"?

Just read an article in The City about the other side of Mamdami's rent freeze proposal--a fair statement that revealed that many landlords in the city who own rest stabilized apartments, really need some sort of rent increase to keep their buildings going. I understand that--it is an interesting dilemma for the new administration---athough housing advocates feel the rent freeze is justified. Somehow I feel that there is enough of an analytical vision in (hopefully) the Mamdani administration to create a solution that helps both sides. But the building that the article mentioned as an example of an aparatment building that might go under if a rent freeze takes place was on Creston Avenue in the Bronx--a few steps from where, when I was a child, I would visit my grandmother (my father's mother0 and where I felt very safe. My father was the youngest of a large Jewish family that had emigrated from Poland around 1920, when he was 12. A few times a year, the whole family would visit there--I remember an incredible variety of aunts, uncles and their cousins---all with different economic visions of life which, I, around 7 or 8 would try to absorb. But what I also remember vividly was the "safety' that the neighborhood around the building seemed to offer. Placid, relaxed---and all white---overwhelmingly Jewish. Looking back on that time----in my head a kind of "paradise on earth'. I understand that the neighborhood has "changed" that its inhabitants are mostly black and Hispanic working class citizens of the city---that they are entitled to good services, and that they probably are "good people".---yet I felt so safe there as a child--but of course it had to change--the destiny of my generation was to "move forward"---super achieve. 

Creston Avneue---two stories---two different kinds of people--when I take the 4 train to Bronx Science for the few alumni events during the year, I stand by the door windows---looking out---imagining the world that "was'.  Trying hard to connect the images in my mind of the two worlds.

Difficult day....

 yesterday, two days after infusion. Did not eat much. Slept a lot. Awoke this morning with more energy---body  should be warming up today---I think it would be a good idea to move around. But where?  Cannot make plans,---simply follow the messages my body gives me as the day progresses. Have to remember that the first weekend after the infusccuion has always been somewhat difficult ---but not this difficult. 

Earlier on one of the web sites about the city, I read of a murder at a bodega in East New York. Went to google maps to check it out. Saw many buildings that reminded me of the neighborhood that I was raised in in the Bronx. As I was growing up, this was mostly a Jewish neighborhood---now of course, mostly black and hispanic. Does it make sense? As a teen-ager, I could have been set up on a blind date with some young woman from East New York---that is all I can come up with. But where are we now?  I know no people from my generation who want to talk about their childhood---and when they do---when I meet then---the memories are basically superficial--an outline of the past but not a look into it. What does it mean to be raised in a certain way---or in a "crimeless" neighborhood? I want more depth!  The protection and security that I felt as a child has brought me to this place now. A through line. So  now I wait....I am alone. On my last trip to Bronx Science for their reunion, instead of going right to the nearest subway, I took a bus that goes west---felt very moved by what I saw. More visits...? Possibly.

Looking forward to the next weekend---should be much stronger--hopefully some longer trips. Today, if I want to see a movie--have almost two many choices. Still must dialogue with my body to get through it to figure out thow far it will travel. That is all for now.

two days....

Friday: rest until around 4. then off to Brooklyn. Stops at Center for Fiction and Arts Library, across the  mstreet. No Brooklyn library card...a blessing or a curse---but can't take anything out. Then off to really what I came to Brookyn for---to participate in the "action" outside 130 Greene Street protesting a brutal and ugly deed theft. 

First image: walking east on Greene to the house---a warm feeling---the streets from Greene's beginning to around Waverly avenue have become a "never-never" land--safe, beautiful Brownstones---mostly white people who seemed affluent, walking the streets. Many mothers with children. Was this neighborhood ever different...I asked myself. Yet when speaking to the woman whose building was taken from her by fraud, she explained that when she bought the building in 1997, most houses on the block were boarded up. Hard to believe---try to imagine a "different" much more "rougher" Clinton Hill. Difficult. I remained at the action for about an hour---joined by mostly black protesters decrying the possibility of more deed thefts like this one, and claiming that there was no real assistance from elected officials. Some interesting conversations with the activists---however, directly east on the corner of Waverly and Greene, was an upscale restaurant--some outdoor diners right next to the protesters--no reaction from them. It occurred to me that after participating in the protest---shouting "what do we want..? Justice"; "When do we want it? Now", I could easily walk into the restaurant and have a nice meal---joining the "members of the community"---mostly white, I am afraid, and forget where I had just been. I did not think that most of the protesters who were black, would feel comfortable in that restaurant, or even consider going there.  It is this juxtaposition that I see often when I visit neighborhoods that have been gentrified in the last twenty years (has it been that long...? Yes)  So where am I in this?

Did not make the choice to eat next door--instead took the Gates Avenue bus about 10 blocks and ate at Fulton Bar, a friendly bar-restauarant n ear BAM. Had a nice Caesar Salad--very friendly bartender and watched the beginning of the Yankee-Brave game. Then it was time to return home to Manhattan.

Yesterday---the residue of energy from Friday caught up with me---so I had what I would call a "passive" day--stayed mostly around the apartment. Free movie at a Church about 10 blocks down---"The Way We Were"---decided to see it. Nice choice---not very crowded---big screen--movie was interesting---I had seen it on TV about 45 years ago---but seemed to go one forever---from episode to episode. Walked home from the Church--about 10 blocks--no stamina issue---bought my food and returned home.

today---would like to return to Brooklyn--maybe catch a "real" movie--we will see.

follow up...

did not see Familiar Touch yesterday. Not enough energy after my visit to Drama Bookstore. Spent about 2 hours there--first reading much of Grover Dale's autobiography and then---after a bout of restlessness, looking closely at The Merchant of Venice. Are the two related...? I doubt it. Dale is one of the last surviving members of the original cast of WSS---the Merchant...? Well, I am fascinated by its structure. Three stories, interwoven. Shylock destroyed---and then forgotten. 

The infusion and its fourth day effect tired me---so I returned to the apartment after the Drama Book Store visit.  Intermitten naps for the rest of the day---strange when your body tells you what it wants you to do, rather then your telling "it". Finished the free weekend of baseball on the web---sort of had enough of it---and continued to read my English history book. 

Today a possible tutoring session--also, planning to pick up my Ostomy supplies from the drug store I go to in Harlem. Interesting trip---the store is on 122nd and 3rd Avenue--I usually take the crosstown bus to 79th and Madison---then wait for the bus that goes north on Madison, all the way to 122 street. Amazing contrast of course, in the two worlds that it covers, but more and more, north of 96, there are signs of gentrification. New library on 125th east of 3rd---might want to check it out. Always feel a sense of "triumph" after I receive the supplies, and embark on my return to my "safe" apartment on the upper west side. 

the rest of the day---the sure---early now--lots of time to get through before my journey east, 

Listening to Mozart this morning...

totally alone--my mind shot back to summer of 67--in an apartment much like the one I am living in now---spending most of my free time listening to as much Mozart as I could. 67: my third "reconstructive" summer---I am beginning a new job as a social worker---my plan to take part time jobs while I "audition" for roles has failed me---finally I work nights in the post office on 33rd and 8th--for about seven months---read a lot during the day---realize that this structure is not working--it is cutting me off from things I need---like sex---and relationships. Where has all the promise of my last year at Hopkins gone? Now the freshmen men from Hopkins and the women from Goucher who started in 63, and were so important in my final year at Hopkins have all graduated--have I given them up competely? No. But I know there is no world for me with them. So who I am now?  And it is hot! All those things come together for me as I sit and listen to a Mozart violin sonata in the present. Differences...similarities....who can say.

Infusion three days ago--yesterday could not do much after the morning---body needed to rest after the infusion and its inability to let me sleep on the day it is given. Spending most of the day reading a non fiction book about the lives of Richard the II and his cousin, Henry Bolingbroke, who later becomes King Henry IV. Filling in a lot of what I already know from Shakespeare's two plays bout those to. Tied to the book---can't read anything else---kept me going last night. 

Plans for ttoday: should try to see Familiar Touch, the movie at Film Forum, which stars KC--a lovely woman and incredibly well respected actress, as an aging women with Alzheimers. Would like to stop by Drama Bookstore as well--spend about an hour there checking out some new plays--don't know if that is possible. And Brooklyn....just not sure what my energy level will be. It is easy for me to get really lost in the reading I am doing--want the summer to be interesting...well, we will see.

Can it be....

 that I have not even posted since late May. Well, that figures--so much has happened politically that I suppose my personal feelings are a bit irrelevant. I had wanted to post yesterday morning--to talk about Prosperous Fools at TFANA, but some how the connection did not come through. It does now, and I am not at the same place as I was yesterday---why? Because yesterday was "difficult", you might say. So, this morning, as we approach 6 A. M.,  I am still dealing with the after effects of this previous "difficult" day as I wait for 7 A.M. to make an appearance so I can visit the new coffee shop on Amsterdam, where they give me free coffee--it is very strong---good, but I wonder how it will work for my body in this heat. Why have I become the recipient of the coffee shop owners largesse? Not sure---when they opened I came in often and raved about their coffee---maybe this is a way of thanking me---then again---maybe this is because I am "old", (I don't like to use that word)  and they feel it is their duty to give me a break. But anyway, they are there, and, I guess I will check in with them as soon as they open.

Yesterday was diifficult because the body was tired---that usually happens after a trip to Brooklyn the day before, or the day after some strenuous activity. Also, money is running low as I wait for my SS haul to come in, and the strategizing that I have to do to as I gage what to spend with money and what to put on my credit card take some emotional toll. Also, it was structureless, and that usually tires my body a bit. Spent a lot of time in the apartment---some reading, much lying around and "dialouging" with the body to determine what is possible. Many movies around he city are tempting, but did not feel  I had the energy to sit through them.  So I remained in the apartment and just let things happen until I feel asleep. Some good conversations with a few of my fellow apartment dwellers, so that made me feel better.

Finally, let us talk about books. There are many in the library that interest me---English history which I have always loved, and a few novels---but I avoid taking them out. When I read now, I have discovered that I absorb the content in a way that I have not previously. Every reading experience becomes a "deep dive", So sometimes I see a novel or history that might interest me, but instead of taking it out, I reject it--as if I am shielding myself from some experience that I might "lose myself" in. How long will this continue? Well, next weekend is the long one---the 4th---and the libraries will be closed from Friday through Sunday, so I think I will challenge myself to take one or two books that really excite me. Books that I can lose myself in can get me through a long weekend---we will see.

Disappointed....

 Just found out via an e mail, that there will be a gathering in Prospect Park for people interested in the Mayoral race coming up. Would love to go--but my body is very tired. Chemo infusion five days ago--effects are still going on. Can I get up the energy to go there? As of now, "no". But it lasts until 6; maybe I can make it---I would love to discuss city issues especially those around the upcoming Mayoral race---but perhaps not today. But if not today...when?

Memorial day, the beginning of the summer. Still remember the acookouts at South Fourth, every year, and those were followed by cookouts on the 4th of July and finally Labor Day. The whole story of the summer, packed between three cook outs. No longer, since South 4th ceased to exist in 2018. 

Went to Williamsburg on Saturday to see a play at the Brick, written by a friend of mine. The play is full of ideas---but a lot of clashing of styuuldles. Can't really say more. But it was over around 4---I could not get myself simply to return to Manhattan. Felt a tremendous need to walk around---explore the surroundings, where--pre pandemic---I had spent so much time. And so I did.  Took a bus from Metropolitan to Broadway and Lorimer---then walked west, all the way to the river. Thought I might see some of my old friends on the way, but it did not happen. Still, had to see everything--traveled all the blocks by foot---what can you say;;? Still even more luxury building and restaurants. Very tired when it was over, but glad I did it. Yesterday, ttotally exhausted. Stayed around the building. 

Reading tThe Rules of Attraction by Brent Easton Ellis. Really absorbed---first read it about 37 (really that long) years ago. When I saw it in the library where I tutor, I knew that it would get me through the weekend, and it has---kind of fascinated by its style. Anything else? Not at the moment.

So I will spend the rest of the afternoon, trying to figure out if I have the energy to go to Prospect Park to interact with those talking about the Mayoral race. Will I make it? Based on how my body is behaving at this moment, probably not...but might give it a try.....

Five days later...

the library remained closed through the weekend. This left me completely free for three more days---I did not expect this. Again, the irony of my "freedom" has not escaped me. I seem to have gone from one vision of my life to another. Two weeks ago,, I felt trapped by my tutoring schedule---as if it was depriving me of " a real life" But now, with the schedule "decimated", I find "real life" may have brought up two many feelings and choices that I was not ready to make. It does not help that money is tight---I challenge myself to keep all financial choices controlled. But there is something more then that. 

Thursday evening I marshalled all my energy and went off to Bushwick (actually the deeper part of Bushwick) to attend a play at the Bushwick Starr, a theater that I have been visiting and interacting with since about, 2010. Arrived early (the L train moves quickly through Brooklyn) and got a ticket--the play Rheology, was a mixture of real and imagined. A playwright, super attached to his mother, imagines her death, and what he feels will be the devastating effects of her death on his life.All the while his real mother is on stage--she is a physicist and still very vital. For the playwright, however, there is simply obsessive fear. After some dialogue back and forth, her "death" and her messages to him from wherever are simply played out. Some stunning visual effects as well as this content. A play but not a play---the audience really bought into it; I could see during the curtain call that they were extremely moved.But I felt outside of it--as deep as his feelings were, I was not taken in by the way it was presented. Maybe, in part, because it did not represent my final feelings as my own mother was dying. But that is another story. The trip to the theater and back was taxing--had to get off the L at Graham for a pizza slice because I was dying from hunger. Would have liked to hang around and explore Graham further--this would have been easy for me pre pandemic---but simply returned to the L and went home. Not sure if I was more exhausted physically or mentally--the next day I could hardly move--a day of recovery.

Assuming the library re-opens tomorrow, today is the last day of my "freedom". Pretty tired from yesterday's events--a nice party given by one of the teachers at Friends. Will simply "let it happen". Maybe a trip to the Drama Book Store, or even Center for Fiction. Not sure what energy I have. Oh well, will report soon.

Last night at FIlm Forum...

 saw Pavements, a film by Alex Ross Perry--why did I choose to see it?  One of the actors in it, I had  met several yetars ago, and it turns out another was actually a student at Friends until 8th grade---so that was a nice surprise. Tuesday evening at 8:15, did not expect much of a crowd, but space was filled, mostly, or almost completely with 20 or 30 somethings. I felt isolated--like this was definitely not my group.Had I made the wrong choice? But I had to deal with it---I set it up---chose to go----bought my ticket---so what could I do?  The movie was an exclecticl but not real exploration of a nineties group called the Pavements. Young actors, like the two that I knew, acted their older counterparts, but there were interviews with the older band members as well. A real crazy quilt--in spite of my alienation I mostly was stimulated by it--but I left before it was over--the final half hour seemed to simply run in place---repeat what was done before. Walked to the subway on Houston---headed home---"adventure" over.

Yesterday was a strange day---the library where I tutor was closed for two days, and the students that I usually schedule for that day were not able to go to the next closest library. So I was free--just what I was wishing for--but intstead of a feeling of freedom and liberation--felt confused by the lack of structure. It did not help that the infusion that I got last Thursday pulled me down---made me feel tired at certain points. Oh well, it usually takes about a week to let the infusion come down to earth..Today, even as the 145 street library remains closed, at least one student and her mother are meeting me at the library at 161 street--where Saint Nicholas merges and crosses Amsterdam. Was there on Sunday---walking on Amsterdam around there, as opposed to the upper west side where I live was like being in another country. Obviously far more diverse, frenetic dynamic---whatever.

where do we go from here? Body has changed so much in the past five years, but still fantasize the pre pandemic world I inhabited---only to have my body "remind" me that much of it can't happen. Summer is coming, so I will have more free time--lots of reading---continuing going deeper into Shakespeare and his contemporaries among other things. And then there is the government---well we will see.

So where are "we" in this?

 The city is awash in art! How great! But the administration is destroying lives, and bent on doing more. I feel overwhelmed by all the information that I received about what they want to do. But how does it effect me? 

It is like living in a double image. On Broadway near Columbia---people out and about enjoying the great spring weather. Any fear? Any pain? You can't see it, At a diner near 100th street where I stopped for some ice coffee---packed at 11 AM. And you know their prices have gone up. Are these the people suffering? If one does not know anyone laid off or deprived of work because of the startling budget cuts, does it mean it is not happening? I control my income carefully--still I want to spend money to see plays, movies, some operas, etc, Should I do this, or just enjoy reading--the most inexpensive thing I can do--and save my money for a"drastic" future. It's a line--once you cross into one world--the other becomes forgotten. To be excited about the arts, I reject the pain--I forget it. But then I ask? How could this have happened? Sometimes I think this is just a "bad dream" that ends with funding restored. Oh, if only Kamala had won---I could have my arts wonderland  And yet, plays, movie festivals, etc.want money--they are not giving anything away/ 

It is a line. Once you cross it, you forget---at least for now?

Have I "lost the thread"?

 That quote, from a one act play by Tennessee Wiliams called The Purification. I directed it my senior year at Hopkins---my final statement, you might say. Much of its intense verse comes back to me often---I can still see the whole production in my mind, at the Hopkins Barn. Felt that way this morning---sightly cut off--not sure how I want to deal with my present situation. Have movies replaced people in my life? Is that okay?

Yesterday morning---sightly advantage of no work until 4 to finally head to Brooklyn. First to my bank, which has a branch on Fulton Steeet which is the southern border of Bed-Stuy---walked on the street after my deposit---mostly black people in and out of the different stores---looks like a poverty area, but you know that in my streets in the neighborhood, brownstones are going for almost 3 million. Amazing contrast, isn't it? Stopped off at a nice coffee shop on Franklin Avenue--then took the bus west to the BAM area. A very specific goal there---to check out the new Arts Library across the street from BAM Fisher. Nicely put together with a lot of room---kind of unspecific grouping of different arts---movies, poetry, some fiction--a small shelf for plays---but actually a nice group of plays written by playwrights of color. Made me feel good since I had just completed The Exception to the Rule, a terrific play by Dave Harris, about six black teen agers serving detention. Very well written, missed the production about a year and a half ago at the Roundabout small theater. Should have a life after--but so many plays come in and out; that is New York theater now.

returned to Manhattan and went to the library to do my work. Today maybe only one student---tomorrow---Saturday possibly a few more--things are changeable there. As for my "arts participation" this weekend--a friend, whom I have not seen since the pandemic is in a play---Exiles, by James Joyce---may check it out, depending on my stamina--also this morning must embark on my journey to Spanish Harlem to the drugstore that supplies my Ostomy supplies. Tasks, tasks, they never end--will report soon.

Played out....

 A strange day----my one day off from the work that I do. Yet unable to make a complete plan---tired, yet not tired enough to simply remain in the apartment. Reading several books (Oh, how I love libraries!) all of interest yet none that I really need to keep me going. Do you want to know what they are"

Henry Roth---A Star Shines Over Mount Morris Park---growing up Jewish and poor in what is now Spanish Harlem--living with a mother and father who were married by arrangement in the "old country" and who now live in constant rage with one another yet unable to break the bond. This is the family that Roth's young protagonist grows up in and observes and tries to survive the incredible disharmony between the two. I love Roth's writing---his attempt at functioning under these family circumstances.

George Buchner---Danton's Death-a play written in the early nineteenth century about the downfall f Danton, the "hero" of the French Revolution. Quite a slog--a very sluggish translation but still hope to finish it soon.

Hari Kunzru---Blue Ruin, a novel--about as different from Roth's work as one could imagine. About a lost relationship---the narrator writes in a cold, deliberate style that is sometime arresting---I am moving through it slowly.

Shakespeare-Titus Andronicus---the next of his plays that I am re-evaluating. One of his earliest---could have been written by Marlowe? Possibly---anxious to look for phrases and images and ideas that link up with his later plays.

In addition to these four a play by a playwright of color that had a successful production post pandemic at one of the city's institutional theaters but has not been heard of since---have not begun it, and a novel by a female playwright that I have wanted to read for a long time, but having read the firsts few pages, not to sure that I want to continue. So there we are.

And so it goes---maybe, if I have the strength a movie later---time moves quickly we shall see.

At a stopping point....

 lacking passion, I guess---today the first of 4 free days---just what I wanted, but look, here I am on Friday around 7, all played out. Had planned to go to the Bushwcik Starr for a one man shw--but it looks like I am too tired. So try tomorrow--in spite of the fact that snow or rain is scheduled---feel it is important for me to  show support for that theater. They are also scheduled to have a fair of material pertaining to the black community--some books and zines etc. Might be good to get there early---see if I can have a dialogue with one or two of the people there. Can't imagine myself on the L train, coming back to Manhattan while the rain is pouring down---but---well we shall see.

Spent the morning at the Brooklyn Heights library, returning two books, including Invisible, the novel by Paul Auster that fascinates me. Third time I had read it---each time I seem more absorbed by it. I marvel at Auster;s ability to create---the depth of his imagination--can't possibly conceive of myself doing anything like that. The "absence" of self--the creation of life--how is it done? Interesting non fiction book by him at the library but could not take it out---need to dull my concentration a bit. 

Will probably stay in tonight---cold out there and feeling a little tired. I have to remember that at this point, a morning trip to Brooklyn Heights and about an hour of browsing in the library may take up all my energy for the day. So, far tomorrow---take it easy before the trip out to Bushwick---laundry and maybe a trip to Lincoln Center and the two libraries that are contained there. That should be all.  Some other interesting choices for tomorrow as well--- but ofcourse, they were conceived with the idea that I would go t Bushwick today, Did not happen---stay tuned.

Choices for today....,

must take laundry to neighborhood laundromat--then return a few hours later to pick it up. Sounds exciting doesn't it? It kind of moors me in between---cannot go far under these circumstances. Still my imagination is demanding that I stimulate it a little more.  Also have to make one credit card payment---then just wait to leave for the library and my tutoring schedule, which today could be very heavy. Working hard at that---yesterday had three students--feel that my committment to them is strong, but then when I come home I am really tired---no night life. So there we go. Only excitement is to go to web sites and consider what the President  and his cohorts are doing next, and how to deal with it. A whole other issue. Try to move on to another subject.

Hopkins is having its reunion weekend in early April--much too early in  tn my opinion. This is not my year, but I think it would be fun just to visit the campus---hang  around---on the Saturday of the Reunion. I would just dialogue with different people---students-alumni---faculty---campus workers---no real plans, just go with the flow. But can I do it. The two hotels near the campus are charging brutal prices for the weekend---don't really feel comfortable staying in people's apartments or homes with my illness issues--to find a hotel in downtown Baltimore means traveling to and from the campus--about wenty minute trip, but again, don't know how my stamina will manage it. So I am leaving it up in the air---for now. Probably a "dream deferred". (Thank you Langston Hughes). 

Speaking of Black artists, yesterday on  a theater Facebook page, I described a play by Jean Genet called The Blacks---which was a major off Broadway success in the early sixties. The white colonists of an African country summon a black group of citizens to perform a ritual play for them. The colonists who have all the control sit above and watch the blacks perform this ritual---except the colonists are all played by Black actors wearing white masks. Fantastic production which I saw in summer of 62---with Roscoe Lee Browne, Louis Gossett and Godfrey Cambridge among others. Such was the energy of the time that the play ran for over two years.  One remembers that time, totally different then now.

 

Okay time to carry the laundry to the laundromat---rest of the day to follow.

"Obesessed: with Baltimore...

 Monday morning---instead of going for early morning (cheap) coffee, remained in the apartment. Summoned up google maps from Baltimore, specifically a section called Mount Washington-a well off neighborhood, that seems to be insulated from much of the poverty Baltimore experiences. Actually closer to Roland Park then I realized, but its western border is close to a high crime neighborhood. How do the denizens of the neighborhood deal with that---or do they..? Memories of my four years at Hopkins go deep--would love to spend a few days in that city---talking to people who live there--hanging out in neighborhood bars, etc. Not sure if it possible in my current health (and economic) state.

Speaking of visiting Baltimore, I would love to go to alumni weekend at Hopkins, coming up in almost 2 months--kind of early, but what can you do. No planned events, simply hang out on the campus while events are going on and talking to people. Sounds like fun---but can I handle the cost because if I do this, I must have a place to sleep near the campus--and the two hotels that I know of there are very expensive that weekend. Other issues--health and tutoring scheduling---still toying with the idea, but no real committment to plans yet,

Yesterday some warmth in the city-allowed me to travel to Brooklyn---destination the Brooklyn Heights library---like that place--turned out to be fruitful---found two books that my really involve me--a biography of Al Jolson and Invisible--a novel by Paul Auster--I really love that book---started reading it---my third time--I remain completely involved. Also watched a bit of football at Fulton bar and grill, then got coffee at Center for Fiction where I did my reading. Now definitely the oldest person in that reading room-----but it doesn't really matter--the place stimulates me. Must return soon---no movie of extending voyage after that but returned to Manhattan and finished the day there.

that is all-should report soon.

"Trapped!"

 Or so it seems. Monday evening---the beginning of the true frightening cold for the next two days. What does that mean. Will I have students---will I be forced to "remain" in the apartment---if so, do I have enough reading material to sustain me..? Visiting unchartered" territory Will certainly have to go out at some point...lots of unknowns.

This morning, even with snow on the ground---the city was pretty easy to move around in. Finally decided that this was the best day to visit the Whitney, to see the exhibit that honors Alvin Ailey. Visiting the Whitney means traveling on the far, far west side of Manhattan---near 12th or 13th Street. Not a world that I normally hang out in. Before museum visit found a restaurant-coffee shop about a block away---had a really good portion of Tomato Soup---but $12.00 before the tax...my God, where will it end? The  shop must have had eight or nine tables--each one taken--mostly 20 or 30 somethings who seemed very at home with the ambience---and the prices. My impression---they show a real sense of entitlement---very comfortable paying for the world around them. Then on to the Museum.

The Ailey tribute occupied a whole floor of the Whitney---truly vast. On a large screen with ever changing images, one could see moments from his major dances. Also interesting part of the exhibit that shows the visitor his life in the early sixties. Believe it or not, I saw him in a play in May of 61, The play's name was Call Me By My Rightful Name---written by Michael Shurtleff, about a love triangle---two roommates, one black and one white, and the woman who had affairs with both of them. Pete Masterson and Joan Hackett played the other two members of this triangle. I remember it well--had a real sense of power, but has since faded into obscurity---sad, because the play is well written and has three great roles. But it has definitely slipped through the cracks.

There---I have said it all--now all the remains is to wait, and see how my life in the cold plays out.

Been a long time...

 between posts---why? Lots of conflicting feelings, I guess. But today is different. Went to my favorite coffee place near the apartment---the barista, who I think is also the owner---treated me to a cup of coffee-I guess he is really greatful that I, one of his earliest customers, was very complimentary. Anyway, the gesture was really special---I felt wanted, connected, in a way that I had not felt when I awoke this morning. 

A nice warm day outside---definitely the "calm before the storm"--snow is coming followed by brutal arctic air--yet outside, it might even be an early spring day. Makes no sense---bought some food for the future, if needed---I wonder how the cold will effecomt my students and their families---will they want the children to stay home---will the schools be open---and the libraires---do they remain open? Could effect my finances--meanwhile I hope to have enough reading material to get me through if I am isolated in the apartment.

City ballet begins on Tuesday---I promised myself I would go to at least one of the first two programs--both with ballets I saw many times in the 70's when I was a regular at their performances. A strong feeling of remenbrance--possibly a bit too much---but if the first performance is Tuesday evening, will anybody even be there?

Today--will try to see the first movie on the Jewish film festival program--a silent about assimilation around the early 1900's. Sort of the time my parents were growing up--trying to understand the "essence" f that experience---the dislocation. confusion, self hatred that came along with trying to assimilate. Some other movies as well--- but everything depends on the snow and my ability to move around the city and neighborhod.

Needed this committment to the blog today---feel a little bit more focused---should report soon.