Making sense of New Year's Eve....

 The hardest day of the year to get through. why? What choices do I have? Pre pandemic I knew where I would go---to my friend's bar on Grand Street---and muddle through the time ---hope for a few good conversations- and wait until the ball dropped.  But my energy level was high---and I could do something in the afternoon as well. The last year I was out, i saw a movie that afternoon. But this is four years later and stamina is an issue. My friend has opened a new bar---on 9th street and Avenue C---probably closer then his old one, but more complicated to get to.  If I plan on going there---I have to conserve my energy all day. How? Good question. I don't want to stay in the apartment all day---have spent enough time there already. But even an afternoon movie---and God knows there are plenty of interesting movies around---might sap all my energy. What a dilemma! And it is also Sunday---lots of important pro football games are going on.  Can I find a bar to watch them in? What a muddle!

Nothing to do but to wait it out---see how appetite also plays into this.My favorite book store---the Drama Book Store on 39 street is closed today (they are so close to Times Square--that makes sense) I am sure that the Center for Fiction in Brooklyn will also be closed. As is the very necessary Geffein lobby. So what options are open to me during the day if I want to go somewhere and just read. Around here---the upper west side, there isn't much. 

Did nor sleep well last night---fits and starts---the usual--and perhaps the steroids that are given to me before my infusion also keep me up. Right now, around 7:30, energy level is "moderate". So have to work with that. 

Well, let's get it on---will report on the outcome of this crazy, offensive day with its unique once a year demands, possibly tomorrow.

Have just returned from infusion at cancer center

 Kind of loopy, as one would expect. Will rest most of the day. Not very hungry. Looked in the mirror at the center and at other "mirrors" on the way home. Saw an old man's face. Not very attractive (at least to me) My mind is so dynamic, sprwaling at the seems--that face seems to have nothing to do with my mind. But that is how it is.

What next---lots of tutorig coming up---hope to see some movies or theater in the next week, but there are a lot of variables involved. Saw King of the Jews, a rental at HERE last week-an amazing group of mostly middle aged actors created with great verisimiitude the world of a polish ghetto in the early days of the Polish Occupation by the Nazis. Was caught up in it completely. 

That is all for now. Should blog a little more--frightened that the typing pressure will hurt my screen which is only supported by one half of the frame. Should do somethig about that....but....

a long time between posts

Many reasons---anyway learned a lesson last night. My "infatuation" with the 61 ny film festival is over. Why? Had to see at least one movie this weekend. Saturday it just did not work out-but yesterday after an afternoon nap---a nine o'clock part of their revival series seemed like something I should do. Of course there was only one movie on their schedule, it was called The Strangler---a french movie made in 1970 by a director unknown to me. I assumed last minute tickets would be plentiful---I was wrong---just  got one of three standby tickets and the only place left for me to sit was in the ftont row. No problem. Still the wait was arduous---I guess this year the festival is going to be really crowded---even for the more obscure movies. The movie itself was very precise--it followed a psychopathic killer and the man and woman who try to find him. Harsh--not really a movie I would have chosen to see except it was on the schedule.I was involved all the way---unattractive subject matter but I can understand why the Festival Revival curators wanted it in. It is a very intense and specific take on the subject. 

But somehow the whole experience turned me off. There is a 12:45 movie that I could possibly go to--a film by Lee Grant about an older couple who re-unite with their children on a road trip. But i just don't think I want to spend 2 hours in a movie theater early in the afternoon, before my other tasks. So that is it. The festival runs another two weeks, I had planned to see a few more movies on the schedule--now I have second thoughts. Lots of other options in the culture center that is NY---plays operas and actually other movies. On Friday evening I went to City Ballet--a kind of return for me---between 68 and 83 I went regularly and know most of Balanchine's ballets very well. I did not know how I would feel but after seeing the first two ballets--the one to Chabrier music and Stravinsky's Agon--a sense of "being home" flooded my mind as I sat in the third ring observing them. Plan to go a few more times in the next two weeks if I can fit it in. So that is all for now---will report soon I hope.

A restless time....

 Street party this afternoon in Bushwick. The Bushwick Starr, one of my favorite theater companies is having its yearly block party---outside their new theater, which, I hope will open by early next year. It is a five hour party---beginning at 2--- would like to get there around 4. But what about the rest of the day? restless----I think the best plan would be to go to Brooklyn around 1:30---maybe spend some time at the Center For Fiction, then take the 26 bus which travels through Fort Greene to Bed-Stuy (the new Bed-Stuy, with its coffee shops and new expensive apartments) and finally arrives in Bushwick. That is where my mind stands now---but still so much time to kill. Don't want to sit in a movie theater for two hours before the trip---so just have to work it out. Time seems to be moving very slowly on this Sunday.

Yesterday, two days after my last infusion---spent the day in the neighborhood---some reading of Tony Tanner's Shakespeare Essays in the library---love reading his vision and understanding of the works.  Reading a play by Thomas Middleton called The Witch---written and performed around 1615. Some interesting moments but very episodic and characters seem for want of a better word, one dimensional. Then back to the apartment where just about every major league game yesterday could be seen for free. Watched most of the Oriole-Rocky game---I think it gets to be too much--kept me in the apartment---not so much of a good thing. 

Final week before labor day---usually a slow week--Labor Day for me has always been a beginning of the year. I have a heavy schedule just about each day---will lead into the long Labor Day weekend--once again I will find myself on my own. Have some friends in Williamsburg whom I might call--this might be a good chance to catch up with them---remember how it used to be when South Fourth was opened---could just go there and depend on some interesting conversation. And now...?

Bushwick---In Dreams or Reality....

 So I did it! Voyaged to Bushwick yesterday afternoon. An attempt to recreate the past! Perhaps. Emerged with a totally different perception--of myself! Of the neighborhood as well, but definitely of what that "voyage" means to me after four years and the isolation brought on by the pandemic and of course, the illness.

Spent the morning with chores. The "kicked off" around 2. 1 train to 14th; L to Jefferson---not a very long trip. L full of people going to Brooklyn. Got off at Jefferson---walked to Cobra Club. Found my bartender friend Olivia at the bar---not very crowded at 3:30. Nice to check in with her. We went through the list of old friends and acquaintences we knew over the last 8 or 9 years. Hung out a bit then left for my ultimate goal of the day. To see a movie at Syndicated Bar and movie theater---a venue of Bogart Street a little bit closer to Williamsburg. Syndicated had opened pre pandemic--it always seemed like it would be meaningful to watch a movie there---the movie that I wanted to see was Shiva Baby--an independant film showing at 6. Walked the half mile or so from Cobra to Syndicated---surrounded by mostly young couples moving back and forth. Got my ticket early with no problem---the cashier-bartender was very nice. Had some time to walk on Bogart. Saw Swallow, a coffee shop I used to visit a long time ago, and the Pine Box Rock Shop bar---visited several times pre pandemic to watch baseball or football. Nice, welcoming place. Harder to go into a bar now that I can't order alcohol. Not very crowded---I don't think they would mind if I ordered a sprite---but just observed--and returned to Syndicated.

Loved the movie space venue---enjoyed the movie--an independant film about a young woman about to graduate college at the crossroads of her life. Lots of Jewish bickering and semi-sterotypical "opinions" throughout the movie, but it all worked for me. One actress in a featured role had played Masha in a production of Three Sisters that I directed in the mid-eighties. Seats have lot of room---place half filled so it was almost a private showing---sightlines excellent. The bar at Syndicated was kind of crowded when the film ended so I did not stay around---time to return to the upperwest side? Possibly.

A short walk before hitting the L. Time to take stock. What was different then pre-pandemic cityboy? Who was this new person participating in the Saturday night rituals of the neighborhood. Walking the streets of Bushwick I feltisolated--like a strange visitor aware of his difference. Don't remember experiencing that before. Is it the time...? The vision I have of myself (my hair is gone)...how I cope with the issues of the illness---that now separate me from that much younger group. There is a surreal quality to this whole voyage. Can I do it again...? Do I want to...? Thought I might get off at Bedford and wander around a bit, but actually got off at 3rd Avenue and had a tuna sandwich at a low keyed diner on 17th street. (we are in Manhattan now) Needed a different venue. Then I returned home. 

Tired today--should rest---maybe make it to Drama Book Shop or Library on 40th and 5th which is opened on Sunday. Have to be ready for tomorrow's session---will report soon.

working it through....

 two weeks later--body somewhat having problems with most recent infusion. Felt good afterwards---a little loopy as usual but good enough to work two sessions---Friday not bad also---ended up at the Geffen lobby and heard Schumann's 3rd Symphony---an amazing piece. The 4th and next to the last movement seems almost written by another musical mind, but for some reason, the 3rd movement kept resonating with me. 

Yesterday I had hopes for a movie and possibly some "hang out" time at my friend's bar, but it did not happen. After a morning of reading in the Lincoln Center Library, I was tired---not much energy for the rest of the day. At the library I read Tanner's essay on Hamlet---amazing how he pulls together all the contrasting strands in Hamlet's character and the play itself. I left feeling very stimulated---I love reading that book---but I can only take his take on one play at a time.So there should be much more to read. As the evening moved in, I thought it might be possible to see the second act of Hamlet in the park----I had seen the first act 5 weeks earlier and admired it---but I was tired--I wandered around Amsterdam between 84th and 79th---full of people---what seemed like an endless amount of couples--then just returned home. Today, much at the mercy of my what I think is an over-medicated body so I have just walked around the neighborhood. Still the evening to come---I want to leave the apartment and go somewhere--a possible free Shakespeare performance in walking distance---maybe, but who knows?

The week begins tomorrow and I think I have three sessions---should keep me busy, and I am sure my body will cooperate---I had hoped that in my free time this summer, I could return to the voyages  and something resembling the life that I had in the summer of 19, but so far that has not been possible. My friends in Brooklyn will see me---but i have to reach out---and somehow I am not doing that. Also, my energy level is so different. Will I return to Cobra club or Starr bar at some point? Hard to say---if my body can come around---well, we will see.

Good time yesterday.....

 Probably my most "expansive" day in Brooklyn in maybe 4 years. I challenged myself to get away from the upper west side by "any means", no matter how tired I felt at any given moment. And I succeeded. First started off at Drama Bookstore; meandered there for a while; read a one act by Samuel Hunter called Lewiston---deeply felt, then decided that I would head out to Brooklyn. Found the Q train at 42nd street and took it to DeKalb, and the fun began.

Actually I had a place I wanted to go. There was a block party to celebrate the one year anniversary of the destruction of a community center by an agressive developer who happened to take advantage of a "lapse" in communication between two city agencies. The block was Willoughby, between Nostrand and Marcy -kind of the western edge (now, maybe not 20 years ago) of Bed-Stuy. Took the G to Nostrand, then walked a few blocks north to Willoughby. Interesting walk---so many new houses, and so many beautiful brownstones on the side streets (like the beginning of Hart Street) that one wonders if this really was the area that, for most of my adult life, I had to avoid. Arrived on Willoughy---the block between Nostrand and Marcy is incredibly long----and heard the music of the party. Lots of people on the street---which seems  an incredible mix of black and white homeowners. People greeting each other---a very relaxed vibe--I was offered a free glass of lemonade, which I greatfully accepted---then simply watched the gathering---with wonder...? I must have stood on the Marcy end of the block for about a half hour just taking the whole thing in---no passer by engaged me in conversation and I did not initiate any--still fascinated by flow. So this is Bed-Stuy 2023. Look forward to more walks and explorations in the area---maybe more interesting or imaginative then a movie or play---my mind and life are more active in that situation.

Returned to downtown Brooklyn via the DeKalb avenue bus---then settled in at the only bar-restaurant that, post pandemic, I feel comfortable in. Can't name if for the moment but it is directly north of Theater for a "New" Audience. Bartender knows me-settled in for a Caesar Salad (about all that I can afford) and a few hours of watching the baseball games going on. Mostly by myself---still a nice chance to relax--gave the bartender a nice tip---he deserves it, since he recognizes and welcomes me. When you are on your own, traveling through the city  sometimes your bartender becomes your best friend. This is not exactly that, but he still makes me feel welcome. 

Allowed the fatigue to finally get to me and took the 2 back to the uppper west side. My body felt very strong during the whole trip---first infusion with the port on Thursday, we will see how that plays out. Tired but fulfilled today---not sure what the plan is.

Surviving the heat....

Another hot day promised. It is now Sunday morning at 5-5:22 to be exact. Second day of a "free" weekend. No plans, as such but what limitations. Limitations from the heat---from monetary issues---from lack of planning or contacting friends who might meet with me today. Four years ago, would have simply figured I could make it to Bushwick and take it from there---but is it possible that the heat is really more intense four years later? Heating centers---like the Geffen or the Rubinstein Atrium near Lincoln Center not opened until 9. Left with my adequate at best fan--can do the job---but....

For those who read the last post and are wondering how the Port entrance worked---the answer is that it was successful. I dealt with it---was put under---received the Port and life seems to have continued without much interference from it. A little more tired then usual, but that could be from many factors---as far as the Port entrance going, it seems to be okay. 

A movie yesterday---Afire, conceived and directed by German film maker Chrisitan Petzoid. Very harsh, intellectual---well conceived but with characters I really did not like. Beautiful to look at--less dynamic then the two other films of his that I have seen---very controlled. Many other movies to see today if I wish in the city---would like to see if I can do without one---but with this heat sometimes a movie is simply inevitable.

Last Sunday I visited the Fiction Center in Brooklyn, you know, the one diagonnaly across from the original BAM. I buy a coffee, then go sit in their Reading Room adjacent to the main room. Somehow I feel a kind of magic when I go there. It is all about Reading--Writing---nothing more. Could I spend a whole day simply reading there? Find one book and just move through it? And what about writing...?

Nothing more for now---the sun will be up soon. Can think about coffee...or.....

early morning fourth of July...

 So, here I am, one week  from the port going in---have done very little investigation about what the first few days with it in will be like. What about the first night? Will normalcy take over immediately. A friend of mine has volunteered to be with me after the procedure and make sure that I get back to the apartment---but I don't know how long she can commit to. I will try to do some more investigating this week---not today, of course but there should be enough time to get some feedback from others who have experienced this procedure and gotten through it well. 

And what of today? What I have planned is a visit to my friend's bar, on Avenue C and 9th to watch the second Yankees Orioles game which begins at 1. After that, maybe hop on the L and go into Brooklyn, and do some visiting in Bushwick. Maybe....It has been a long time since I was there--it's not four or five years ago, when going out there was just like breathing. Of course all this is tentative---depending on my energy level-plans and options can change at any time---plenty of movies to check out if I want some alternative action.

Passion on the B train. Well, not quite, but Thursday afternoon, somewhat tired, yet comitted to visit a friend who was graduating from training to be a guide at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. Got all my energy together---left early-then, as the B train was crossing from Manhattan to Brooklyn--all that light---he texts me that he has covid and is not going.  Frustrated..? Not really--it just meant some other options around BAM that I could explore. Ended up eating and watchng baseball at a very friendly and accepting bar on Fulton Street---still somewhat leery about going into bars with my condition, but this went very well. Then up the street to the Center for Fiction--again, a place I visited often in 2019---had a coffee and then went into their reading room and read for a while. It seemed to me I had entered a kind of paradise---I felt so good there---the calm, the energy just really got to me. Thought that I could just come there some morning with a book and just read all day, staying in that room. It won't happen today---they are closed for the holiday---but maybe do that soon.

So it is time to read. In the middle of Alls Well that Ends Well, and Antonio's Revenge by John Marsden, a contemporary of Shakespeare. Great contrasts-Marsden--so far--is all about plot and arc---some of Shakespeare's writing seems so much deeper and with more point.. Will continue today---will report soon.

the next Sunday morning...

 So, here i am, getting ready for a full  Sunday. Yesterday i finally got to see Leopoldstadt---I had to see it soon because it is closing in a week. Got to the rush ticket line about 9:35--actually a little late---was about 15th on line. But got a ticket in the second balcony for my $35.00; not really a bad seat and saw the play. Well, a full and passionate evening of theater--a very strong production--but Stoppard's sense of control was very apparent to me. You could always feel the wheels turning as each scene progressed. Very intellectual---I learned nothing that I did not know, but the abhorrent Nazi vision that destroys this upper middle class Jewish family was very evident. But what does Stoppard want the audience to take from this grim story of destruction.? Should I remember how, as a middle class Jewish kid in the fifties how removed my whole family---and the families of my friends and my parents friends--were from what happened in Europe? Is that what Stoppard would like? At any rate, the play was very well performed and directed--what seemed like a million American actors running around with perfect British accents. One step in my current "theater extravaganza" completed.

Amd what next. I think I will try to see In Corpo-a musical created by a friend of mine with one of my favorite groups---Assembly. Playing in a theater far west on 42nd---won't have to deal with the enormous crowds and garish and bizarre comings and goings of people around Broadway--as I was last night. If I see it today, it will complete the "obligatory" part of my current theater interest. Waking up this morning I wondered if maybe I should spend some of the free time i have alotted for theater going with friends--who I seem to be pushing away, as I try to figure out what play to see next. Maybe I should shift priorites. Although there are many plays around to check out that I find interesting, I think that Comeuppence, by Brandon Jennings-Jacobs is the only one I really want to see. And that ruus until the ninth. This morning I felt a desire to return to Hansberry's The Sign in Sidney Brustein's Window--you know I left after the first act at BAM. Would like to see the second act--but of course it finishes its run in a week.  Will I go? Who knows.

I see my nurse practioner this week---I assume she will inform me about when the doctor wants me to get the port. I guess my body will handle it will---I am really not thinking about it much--right now just taking my medication and going with the flow---will report soon.

Surreal Saturday night....

walked up and down 23rd between 7th and 8th --around 9:30---kind of surreal. Why? Can't really say---street full of people, there is a comedy club close to 7th--a bar that I would sometimes go into and watch baseball--pre pandemic of course is also there--could have just got into the subway stop and gone home, but had just come from a dance concert at NY Live Arts nearby and wanted to "take in" the neighborhood. So I did, When I approached the uptown subway station on 23rd and 7th, I saw it was closed, so I had to trek up seventh avenue to 33rd to get my train. Long walk---left me wanting desert---tired somewhat this morning. 

My being in the neighborhood was to take in a Dance Concert at New York Live Arts, a really good space about halfway west of 7th on 19th street. Orlando Hernandez. a student from Friends who graduated in 08 was part of a group of 5 choreographers showing their work. Had to wait to see if I could get in (I did); then sit through some dissappointing projects to get to his. His were the best---tap dancing and very fluid choreography--dynamic use of space---I was happy for him. Afterwards said hello---he was quite happy to see me---also surprised, i guess, Other Friends people had been there the night before---I guess I was the only one there last night---still, a kind of surreal quality about the whole evening. 

Lots of energy in my first two days after last infusion of Avastan and Iranitocan. Also learned that I must switch my medication to a port since veins are pretty shot, according to the staff at NY Cancer and Blood. Do not have a date for change to port yet---probably sometime in July---not really worried about the change, but hope it won't interfere with my teaching or my need to move around the city on my days off. 

And today...not sure? There is a play about the Freedom Summer of 64 at Theater for the New City that I would like to check out. I feel very linked to that time (I graudated from Hopkins that summer) and try to check out any play or movie that deals with it. Yet, somehow, I really don't want to go. But what then? Would like to end the day at my friend Bob's bar on Avenue C and ninth---just chill and watch some baseball. Tomorrow the library is closed---so no tutoring---another day of choices---might be nice to go to Bushwick and see if I could find some old friends from there--but who knows; everything changes so quickly---will report soon.

Should check in....

 the "long weekend" ended up being just that. but on Saturday afternoon I did go to the Met and saw this wonderful production of Don Giovanni--a really joyful experience. A great cast that worked beautifully off each other---every moment clear--some of the staging worked---some didn't, but it did not matter, because the flow was so meaningful. The arc from that first time---in February of 66 to that afternoon seems incredible--a 'sung" opera with major singers, but with staging that was just workable---acceptable for its time---to this totally integrated production using every part of the stage. I left feeling completely whole.

Sunday a slow day---kind of in a physical torpor---not much energy--to be expected after the two days before.Still it was difficult. Finally, around 5, spent an hour in the neighborhood Barnes and Noble just browing, and kind of felt excited by being part of a different energy. Of course did not buy anything.

Monday was able to visit my friend Bob's bar, in the afternoon, hang out, and absorb myself in the baseball game between the Mets and ....can't even remember. Still, enjoyed absorbing myself in it.

Tuesday and Wednesday---some tutoring but mostly tired. The new medication, more potent, seemed to be catching up to me. On Thursday, however, had three straight hours--worked very hard--and left tired but very fulfilled. So ofcourse, Friday my body was very slow---I got through one hour of teaching but just by luck. Had to stay home the rest of the day. Same with yesterday--wanted to take it easy but often feel stymied by simply being in the apartment. Outside is so much more interesting. But last night I opted to stay indoors---enjoyed reading Either Or by Elif Batumin--still, a very restless overnight--which brings us to now. Sunday morning. 

Could have tutored in Jackson Heights--with my adult student whose company I enjoy, but skipped it, because I wanted to store my energy for this afternoon. I am finally seeing Without You, the one man show created by and starring Anthony Rapp. I had been putting it off for God knows how long, but finally an going to it. Anthony and I were close friends mostly in the years 91-96---we had a really terrific rapport, but I really have had almost no contact with him in the last 15 years. So i am going this afternoon, and will say hello to him afterwards---I hope he greets me warmly---but---you never know--young impertuous actors can sometimes turn into cautious adults==a "morphing" process. I will accept  any reaction from him--certainly hope we can rekindle some of our old friendship. But I could not see myself bypassing his production so here I go.

Still wondering how the new infusion---much stronger---will effect my life. Feeling kind of overwhelmed by the choices available to me---a heavy week ahead with tutoring and the Friends graduation on Thursday. We'll see how I feel when I get through it....

so the long weekend begins....

 And a weekend so different from others that i have particpated in recently. Why? The absense of any tutoring chores---meaning a have a 'deluxe" amount of free time. Ah free time. Always seems so inviting when you don't have it---but when it arrives...? Lots of choices to make---monetarily and otherwise. So where to begin?

Chioice number one: Don Giovanni this afternoon at the Met. Practially my last chance to see this new production by a director whose work I have always found interesting, and who, from the pictures and the reviews that I have read has created a very special entity and look for this opera. But will I get in and how? Even family circle, where I usually sit and enjoy sitting there has, if my last look at the seat map is accurate, almost no seats left. So can I stand? Well, that is a much cheaper alternative---right now my body feels incredibly strong (a new infusion two days ago seems to have charged my energy) so standing through act I---an act of almost an hour and a half, might be possible. Interesting, I remember the first performance of the opera that I saw---February of 66---one of the last productions in the "Old Met" which was to shut down and move to Lincoln Center in a few months. I think it was also the day that I "failed" my first army physical--a great relief at that time. Then, also i stood---in the orchestra. Siepi was the Don and Geraint Evans, a most specific Leporello. How many years have passed since that Monday evening---how many thoughts and conversations have you had about the opera since then. If I miss it? Well, that is that--one more performance this coming Friday I could try, or probably this production will be shown on the screen in the last week of August when the Met has their outdooyr screenings in the Lincoln Center Plaza.  But I really want to live through the performance this afternoon. Strange, as I went out for coffee I thought--"what a great day for a walk---maybe instead of the opera I should just take the train to Brooklyn an wander down Fifth avenue in Park Slope, or walk east on Fulton to where Clinton Hill meets Bed-Stuy. Something very soothing about that fantasy--well maybe tomorrow or Monday, if I have no plans for the evening. But most weekends--- only two days---seem rushed. This weekend does not.

Time and space---yes, how to use it this weekend, that is the question. And will my body cooperate with my choices? It seems very strong this morning. Oh well,we will see. Have recently read two autobiographys ; one by Mary Rodgers and the other by Chita Rivera. Very different takes on life, but both fulfilling to read. Now, my one book for this weekend is about Martin Luther King and his partners in the Civil Rights Movement as they plan and try to break through the frightening segregation and rage of white Brirmingham in 63. Quite a different voyage from the last two, but I chose this book for my long weekend reading  to move to a tougher and more focused topic. Will I finish it...? Well, will report back soon.

Has it been this long....

since I last published? Come on, cityboy, isn't life more interesting then that? So what's new? Just about everything. Where to begin? 

Health: Took first infusion of new powerful drug last Thursday (a week) and its effects have been strong. Last two days quite a lot of torpor to fight against, plus changes in digestion. This is after I added my "mandatory" pills to the mix on Tuesday. A real sense of fatigue--some different digestive calculations---but---I did not stop my tutoring assignments and have a few today, so I worked though it-nevertheless there is a different feeling---so far. This morning I awoke feeling a greater sense of energy then I had for the last two days---but I still have not added my pill and who knows how long this will last? But at this point I am experiencing a sense of vitality---perhaps stimulated by all the contradictions I see around me. Not too much to do just to let it happen.

Theater: a million projects in the city---trying to at least see the ones with people that I know involved in. But that will also be an energy and time issue. Yesterday i read an article in one of the theater magazines about a black artistic director, hired pre pandemic--who has just stepped down after dealing with the downs of the last few years. She's had enough, and I can't blame her. The contradictions in the not for profit theater in my opinion have reached a boiling point. Does anyone in New York theater want to discuss this? Might try to organize a forum in the next month with some friends who are active in theater---its a possibility.

What else? Trying to consider the housing crisis in the city---nothing accomplished to help it in the State Legislature since the Democratic party is so split between the "moderates" and progressives. Meanwhile even as rents go up and there is a lot of competition for apartments--every e-mail I see about a play being performed in a small theater--which means there is not a lot of pay---has a large cast. So how are these people making it? About 50 choices to see this weekend---not counting movies--if I am up to it.

Some good news---just about every major league game this weekend will be shown on the computer for free. Amazing! I don't have to leave the house at all if I don't want to. But if I stay in, I go stir crazy. You figure it out.....

time to kill...

 so at a certain moment, everything stops. Sunday morning---all tasks completed---no move to make until about an hour from now. Interesting that when my adult student in Jackson Heights cancels, instead of enjoying the extra time at home, i find a gap in the time which is frustrating. I will probably end up going to my friend Bob's bar on Avenue C and ninth and watching some of the Knick-Cavalier playoff game. After that....who knows---I would like to make a trip to Brooklyn---at BAM there is one movie---called A Thousand and One Ways, which is in the last week of its theater run. I would really like to see it---I think today is my only possible day to do that. But will I...?

Its been a busy week with not much time allowed for outside activity. On Wednesday I found out that the doctors who are working with me do feel that more medication is needed to combat my illness. So in two weeks a new infusion will be added to the one I already have, and I will also, I think continue with the chemo pills. No real problem for me, at this point, my body feels incredibly strong and with a week and a half to go, I don't think anything will change. I am assuming that this new drug will not change anything---May is going to be a very busy month for me---at least two plays I must see---some more I would like to, the tutoring continues and on the 20th the Friends reunion---something that I am really looking forward to. Last year's was not as well attended as I would have expected---so I am hoping that this year there is really a large group---it is the 10th anniversary for the class of 13; a class I really felt close to. I don't want any obstructions to my enjoying that---I am making that clear to the new infusion.

Last night had some choices---in light of my energy level around 6, I chose to go to the movies at Lincoln Center and see Twilight---a Hungarian movie made in the early seventies---about a detective's obsessive search for a child murderer. Very bleak and determined---slow moving---lots of rain---almost no sunlight. The people in the movie are sad and alone---extremely isolated---I absorbed that as I was watching the movie. I left the theater and went to David Geffen hall lobby and tried to watch some of the Philharmonic Concert on their large lobby screen, but tired easily and headed home. It also did not help that the work I was watching was a Bartok piano concerto, which did not stimulate me. Would have liked to stay around for the piece after intermission---the Jupiter Symphony by Mozart, but that did not happen. I needed to get home and rest. 

So I wait for the next hour and it is time to make my move---will take it easy, I suppose until then. 

So on Sunday I saw Fiddler...

 at Friends Seminary---I have to admit I was awed by its execution. Steve the director, seems to have an incredible rapport with his students---everyone was on target--also a remarkable small orchestra and orchestrations that were totally in keeping with the vision of the piece. Steve has a great group of student actors around him--many are juniors or sophmores, so he can work with them for another year or so. Could be lots of meaningful theater at Friends Seminary.

But what did the whole experience--so overwhelming---mean to me? The original musical came at such an important moment of change in my life---three weeks before I saw it for the first time, my parents and I had to admit that my matriculation at Yale School of Drama was failing---I would be forced to take a new path.--enter the "real" and, like so many others of my generation deal with the draft. But watching this production---so spot on--I realized that not just Robbins, who invented Fiddler's vision, but also Bock, Harnick and Stein, were somehow galvanized into writing music and lyrics that were so honest in creating the world of Anatevka. Then of course, my complete interest into the life and work of Robbins---trying to put together the enormous contradictions of his art and personality. Many people he dealt with had "problems" with him ("problems" is a very polite way of putting it), but. as I watched Fiddler's opening procession---so real and potent---I remember what his scene designer, Boris Aronson said something like "when he creates something like that I forgive him everything" So my fascination and memory and attempt to understand his work continues---at 14 I felt I was defined by West Side Story, do I still feel that way? And if so, what has it given me?

In the program, the director says working on the musical brought forth a lot of discussions from the students on the different issuues that the musical brings up. I would have like to have sat in on those discussions---also wder if I could have added some important information on my own. But that is not happening now---and I wonder if I was still very active at Friends, would my input be wanted. This brings us to another aspect of my situation there--have not solved the "work" problem. but should be able to enjoy the next alumni reunion which happens in about five weeks. Who am I in that world? 

So enough of this---much more to express at future times. Tutoring continues---the next two weeks should be very full as the state wide math exams for grades 3 to 8---can I get to see some plays, movies or friends? We shall see.

so a week later.....

 Early morning---time has stopped. Slept all night---starting at around 7. Why? Maybe it is the Avistan . treatments---I had an infusion on Thursday that might be inducing this.  Hard to tell  anyway,  the body was up and going to the all night grocery store on 72nd and West End, around 5:20. No more rest---but lots of time to kill before leaving for the library on Saint Nicholas and 160 street around 10. What happens now?

Yesterday two tutoring sessions---felt very  creative and strong---one of the students is home schooled, and his math visions are very chaotic---no structure---needed a lot of input. The other a student whom I worked with last year who had to finish a vacation packet. He is also a little lost---sometimes had to give hm the answer, rather then explain and lead him to discovering it on his own. But I felt a strong feeling of accomplishment when I left. Then I visited with my niece Natalie---she lives in LA but she and her husband were attending a wedding of one of his friends, so they were in for the weekend.They were staying a block away from me.  Natalie and I always have great rapport---an easy energy when we are together---which, since she lives in LA, is not very often. May see her one more time before she leaves---maybe tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I am on the wait list for the Friends upper school musical of the spring---Fiddler on the Roof. Hope to get in---will be really sorry if I don't. Sixteen years ago, about at this time, Friends did Fiddler--I remember it well---2007 was the first year I was at Friends practically all the time.Then it was performed in the Friends meeting house, lots of seats---now it is at the Vineyard---maybe more professional but harder to get into. Will I make it? Might even stand if I have to---somewhat anxious to see how the whole thing turns out--this group of students seem a long way from the Shetl that Fiddler lives in. So it will be interesting to see how it mixes. 

Speaking of Fiddler, I saw it three times in its first year on Broadway: 64-65--the year, you might say, I was "exelled from paradise" that is the year that I was very unhappy at Grad School and had to face the fact that once the year was over, and I was not invited back--I really did not want to go back_--I would have to find work to support myself. It also meant dealing with the diillusionment of my parents---especially my father---who had staked their vision on my getting an MFA at Yale. But the whole thing was a joke! The Drama school at that time was hideous---it was to change radically two years later---still, i navigated that year with a sense of bewilderment and sadness--separating from the community I was very tight with at Hopkins did not help either. When it was over, I arrived, confused, ..at the beginning of my adulthood. Everything changed in many ways, but my family and the apartment in the Bronx where I was raised, was no longer a place to "protect" me.

Strange memories--they come back and sometimes dialogue with me---especially in those early morning hours before I can get anything going. Well, wish me luck about tomorrow--will report soon.

killing time....

between 8:10 and a quarter to nine, when I leave to make a deposit in my bank near Union Square. Then off to 122nd and 3rd avenue to pick up the most recent medical supplies for my illness. 

Here is a brief account of the lasts few days:

Sunday: checked in at my friend Bob's bar on ninth and C, watched some baseball,had a salad, then walked north into Stuyvesant Town---took a walk through Stuytown---had never done that before; found it very pleasant---managed to walk with no tiredness up to 23rd and 3rd---showed me that I had a lot of stamina; maybe my longest walk in quite a while.

Monday: allowed myself to be scammed over the telephone by someone impersonating a bank representative from one of my bank's fraud department. He had some information that seemed valid, so I fell for it, and gave hime a good deal of my important identity information. As I had caught on to the scam after a few hours the next day I went to my bank and changed some cards. No results so far---nothing taken from me that i notice---but I suppose must wait it out---see how the bank changes take hold, and make sure nothing else is taken.

Tuesday---contination of Monday's travails; tutoring in the afternoon---a good conversation with my friend Bob who lives in DC that evenig.

Wednesday---kept cool in the morning to prepare for the evenings outing; Passover Seder with my cousins on Park Place in Prospect Heights. I have been coming to these Seders for about thirty years now---quite an amazing fact. When I started coming, my cousin Kayla had no children---present at today's celebration were how two daughters now in their twenties. Both brought friends, about the same age, so the conversation was really interesting. Felt it was a very valuable time.

Yesterday---just tutored--not much else--returned to the apartment tired, as usual, and simply stayed around the apartment until I feel asleep.

Today---after my two tasks described above---more tutoring---probably will not get out much after that but one never knows. So far behind on my play going---or even movie going--still at least three, maybe four friends whom I have not seen in a long time in plays running now. Might catch one on Sunday. Its frustrating not to be able to see all that I want to because I am so tired after the tutoring, but maybe that is really the way I want it. Lots of energy in the morning---like now--but pretty tired in the evening.

And so it goes---reading a book devoted to the character of Blanche Du Bois, and several actresses who have played the role. Enjoying it. Lets see what the weekend brings....

Monday morning---some free time

 while I wait for my trip to the library to tutor this afternoon. This afternoon will be different, however, since I have cut my time to just work with one student. Why? I am invited to a GALA by the TEAM, a theater group that I have follwed since the mid oughts. I don't like to cancel sessions---in fact I very rarely do, but this is a chance to interact with people whom I have not seen since before the pandemic happened. Like last Saturday when I gave up a few teaching hours to go to a surprise party for a friend from South fourth days, seeing old friends for the first time in more than three years, should be revelatory. This was a world that I was once very much a part of---I saw everyone's theater work--the community knew me as someone who was excited by "indie theater" and supportive. Many good conversations---now all that has stopped---my life is shaped so differently now---so returning to the world of my theater friends seems a bit jarring. But I will be there at the space in Dumbo, where the GALA is taking place.

Sunday, yesterday, a slow day---tried to see Sea Gull at the New Group but was not successful. Not necessary to explain why---so I headed to the Drama Book Store where I continued to read the original play  Merrily We Roll Along.. I am really enjoying it---its dialogue by Kaufman and Hart is very sharp. All the anticedents of the Sondheim musical are right there---sometimes I am amazed at how close the musical followed these characters. I have one more act to read which I will finish the next time I hit the store.Its a great store; filled with plays that are being put on off and on Broadway right now. Can try to catch up on the post pandemic plays, and there are many of them, that i missed. Afterwards I wondered whether I should go to Brooklyn and travel there or hit my friends bar on ninth and C, but I was tired so I returned home. Rested a bit, then went to the movie theater at Lincoln Center and saw Drylongo, a movie made in 1998 by a black film maker named Culleen Smith. Very interesting portrait of a middle class black neighborhood in Oakland at that time. The central character is a rebellious college freshman who is intent on photographing as many black young man as she can. Great to look at;  the camera travels around the neighborhood and shows a lot; the story is always interesting.

That's it time to move on, though not sure exactly where. Not many tasks this moriing, so I will just have to wait it out until the party. WIll report soon. 

a long time....

 since I posted--it is now about 4 A.M. on wednesday 3/22. Heat is off---apartment is cold--heater is working but it means more cost to Con Ed in  a few weeks.  Temperature around 45---just around fringe area for heat though i am not sure if boiler is actually on. Of course, cannot call anyone now---if no heat by around 7:30 will contact handyman. Disgusting! 

 So I am up---usually have a lot of energy in the morning---since the last post, I must admit my energy has been very strong--have had no trouble with tasks or being totally alive for my students---but when the sessions are over the body is very tired. So no plays, movies, concerts or operas in the evening. Reading prices on a web site that reports buying and selling of property in Brooklyn---prices have now exploded upward; I wanted to title this report: watching the world fall apart in front of me. Formerl middle class neighborhoods in Brooklyn---Kensington and Windsor Terrace I remember when those neighborhoods were practically forgotten--now have houses selling for  textremely high prices. I am watching the city evolve through a sixty year lens, and there is an overpowering sense of enormous money at the top. As I walk through the brownstone streets of the upper west side, or think about parts of Brooklyn, my memory fades  back to days of cheap apartments---accessability--how anybody could choose to live where he or she wanted. And now, this horrible aggressiveness. 

What next? Just surviving through the next two hours, I guess. Avastan influx tomorrow morning--apartment cleaned soon (it really needs it) and continuing on the "treadmill" of my schedule. Actually that is not  fair---I am getting a lot of satisfaction from my input to my students. Leaving the libraries feeling fulfilled. Well, that is something to consider---will report soon.

A "lost" Sunday....

 Almost three years to the date that the city closed down---actually four days away. But now is a different time and the city is alive with choices--plays, movies, bus rides through the streets of the different boroughs, book stores, coffee shops---but today I may not experience any of those things. Why? Because physically I am "beat". Yesterday, I had three students---worked exrtremely hard with them, felt very creative and viable, but came homeand could do nothing. Body tired---some stomach pain--rest, then non rest. And today, probably the same. My brain wants to move all over the city---my body is challenging me to stay at home, or atleast not to go too far. Fatigue---and plan for tomorrow where I have at least three, probably four students. Somehow I feel that when I wake up tomorrow my body will follow through on the plan of the day---but today...?

So life continues---mostly two or three sessions with my students, followed by a return to the apartment and "hanging out". Do not see that changing in the next few weeks--it means my best laid plans of seeing plays (there are so many of them now in the city) will probably not happen. I admire my own creativity and my ability to communicate with the kids I am helping, but can I have some other life as well?  Not, it seems at the moment.

Friday past, a day off: in the afternoon a new film from France about young actors training at a perstigious French drama school. Very intense, very dynamic, and a great central performance by a young Polish actress---can't say her name now--but very striking. That evening, returned to Geffen Hall to sit in their lobby and watch on the large TV screen Michael Tilson Thomas leading the orchestra in his own work and the Schubert's ninth. The Schubert is an amazing piece---ideas after ideas come at you with incredible force--just the way the piece is orchestrated is amazing. I think one could say this piece is the final statement of the Classical era---that is the symphonies and works of Haydn, Mozart, Beethoven---the Schubert makes even a greater statement for me then Beethoven's ninth symphony. No vision left after that. Schumann and Mendelsohn started a new vision---a little more eclectic and in shorter time--but everything breaks off after Schubert. Thomas and the orchestra did a great job---I am really happy I experienced it..

Body still tired---will try to figure out what is possible for the rest of the day.

the next morning....

the body is back---the strength is there. The mornings seem to be the time that I have the most energy; that my body is closest to what it was before the pandemic and before the illness was diagnosed. So what does this mean...? What have I learned from this?  Well, that it might be natural for my body to fall into a "fatigue fit" after the hours at the library when I tutor That I should just deal with it as somethng that right now is normal. The ventilation on the second floor, the children's floor of the library is awful and i have to wear a sweater to shield my ostomy bag. Trying to look at the whole thing in perspective---to see a 24 hour cycle that includes both strength and intense fatigue. Maybe that will work At any rate, feeling good at this moment.

The "work-home" cycle must continue. That means my chances of seeing a play or movie or concert after two or three hours of students probably is impossible. That means basically Sunday is my only free day. It is a grind, but I have made the comittment and both the kids and the parents trust me so it must continue in the near fufutre. Too bad, I would love to go to Sunset Park in Brooklyn and see Target Margin's production of Pericles--and an actor (actually two) is in the New Group's version of the Sea Gull. Can I make it---don't know, but no real plans ahead, everything depends on my energy at the moment. Lots of interesting films promised at the New Films from France program at the movies at Lincoln Center. Maybe I can catch one or two of these. A lot of promises---we will see if they can be played out. 

A Strange Evening (not yet over)

 Having completed two tutoring sessions, and feeling good about it, all of a  sudden stricken with what I would describe as a "lethargy fit". Walking back to the subway on 145th street my body seemed to want to collapse into itself. A very strong feeling---I was able to grab a sandwich from the CVS near my home and make it back. For the next four hours, a kind of seesaw---feeling weak, but able to go out and get some coffee and ice cream while that was going on. Now a few hours later, my body seems half way back---I am unable to sleep (I have tried it) and I feel too weak to go out. But where would I go? To my friends bar on Avenue C and ninth street? To Bushwick, and the Cobra Club, my pre-pandemic "haunt"? Can't do it. So I sit here, trying to exist in this physical "half_world". Did the fatigue come from a very active morning? Or from climibing up 3 flights of stairs during my tutoring sessions? How much can my body take? Not much to do, just wait it out---I have three students tomorrow, and I want to be there for them.

The city is awash in "culture"---plays, movie festivals, opera concerts---what more could one ask. Three years ago at this very time, it was very similar--now these gluts of off Broadway plays and the other events seem to even be more then  March of 2020--before the city closed down. But it does not matter---I may dream of attending these events, but all I can do is observe---the tutoring exhausts me and even if  I don't feel the fatigue that I feel now, it is hard for me to go far away from the apartment. So I accept the fact that I will mostly be an observer of the scene. When I have more time, I can always go to the Drama bookstore, and read the plays that I missed---that are being performed now.

Much more to discuss but it seems like my body is tiring again. Maybe this time I can sleep. We shall see, hopefully I can report soon.

Return to WIlliamsburg....

 Yesterday afternoon---a free day---promised myself I would visit my friend Bob's bar, on Avenue C and ninth--did so, after spending an about an hour at the Drama Bookstore--very crowded, could not find a place to sit down--nevertheless browsed all of that time,  and promised myself to return and read some plays. Want to read Adrienne Kennedy's Ohio State Murders and for some reason seem attracted to the plays of Stephen Levenson--the screen writer who did a terrific job on Tick Tick Boom. Then off to Bobby's---the mild air of yesterday seemed easy to negotiate---stayed for about an hour---very quiet around 3 in the afternoon---just relaxed looking at the sports program (no game) on the large TV---Bob and his girl friend Megan arrived a little later, and I "hung" with them. What next? Still had plenty of time for a movie---fought with myself but challenged myself to navigate Bedford Avenue---the main drag of Williamsburg closest to Manhattan. So jumped on the L train one stop east and there I was. Subway was packed---arrived on Bedford and North 7th---seemed like hordes of people coming and going on the street. Almost trampled. Moved south---starving---able to grab a pizza slice at Whole Foods--then continued south to Grand Street---the dividing line between north and south Williamsburg, but at this point, not much else. That part of Williamsburg has completely morphed into a "white playground"---I suppose not much different from my last trips in 2019, but still shocked at the self important energy of the people on the street. 

After Grand, the streets were quieter---figured  I would walk south to South Fourth and then right to Berry--the path I had taken so oftern as I went to South fourth from 07 to its closing in 18, Terrible sense of familiarity as I thought of the trip---almost like returning home. Between Grand and South fourth, lots of bars--more then before---and speciality restaurants. Finally made the right turn. Passed a new bar--Keg and Lantern in the middle of the street---looked like somewhere I might like to go---the proceeded to the corner of south fourth and Berry where the coffee shop---bar used to be. Now another bar-restaurant---not a coffee place---but closed. Contiued south on Berry---some old stores amidst the new luxury high rises that seem to dominate the area--but Bembe and East River bars, seemed to have survived. Now to the subway on Marcy Avenue and Broadway and a return home. M train seemed to wait forever before stopping at Delancey Street---some glitches on the way back to my apartment on the upper west side, but persevered and made it. Body exhausted--two portions of vanilla yogurt with cookie dough, my reward for the long journey. Fell asleep quickly, around 8 P.M.

My longest journey since the pandemic and my illness diagnosis. Looking at it now---at 4:30 the next morning, somewhat amazed by its length and "vision". I promised myself on the train, as it left the Marcy Avenue Station, that this summer, as my work load decreased, I would take many more. "A Passion for Travel! as cityboy desires to explore every corner of the city! Do I? 

 Almost five A.M.---need some coffee---none in the apartment. Will go to the grocery soon. Today I fulfill my promise to see The Sign in Sidney Brustein's Window at BAM. Nothing to do before that---will try to "husband " my energy--mostly stay around the apartment. Tomorow at least 3 sessions as life returns to normal. I remember the play's struggle to stay alive in 64; I did not see it then but read it this summer--kind of awed by its totally explosive passion--a playwright's hunger to let go---will see how this  production is faithful to that vision. will report soon.

burned out....

 after 11 sessions this week and more to come. Yes, i am very fond of the children whom I tutor, but it seems like I have nothing else in my life. True?  We will see--not sure if I will be teaching today or not---waiting to hear from a parent---but it does not matter. Ironically, as I imagined a day with no sessions, I could not come to terms with what I should do. Lots of theater choices---or I could hang out at my friend's bar in the deptths of the east village. But what will free me? Don't know. Anyway some sense of relief because Friday is a pretty easy day---teaching or not---just wait to see what happens.

Finished the Mike Nichols biography. Money and ostentatiousness---had to always have "the best"---went to "hot" restaurants even as his health was failing.  Nice focus on his last production of Death of a Salesman which starred the late (and great) Philip Seymour Hoffman. Did not see it---have not seen a production of the play since I saw the one starring Dustin Hoffman in 84. Three productions were available to me since then, including the one that just closed that starred Wendell Pierce. Why have I avoided these productions---I know the play so well, and have so many thoughts about it. Oh yes, did see a summer production with a mixed cast which my friend Michael directed around the early teens. Liked that---actors changed roles, which was interesting and perhaps distracted me from some of the depth of the play if performed normally. About two days ago, had a long talk with myself about the play's meaning and how it related to my own family. Like Willy Loman, my father, who was generally sucessful in his work and life also deep down inside "did not know who he was". That uncertainty was like an undercurrent in our relationship as I was growing up. He definitely wanted me to be "successful"--since I was a high achiever as a child, I am sure he hoped I would be a successful lawyer or college professor, or something like that. A liberal and compassionate existence, but also a "safe" one. So, of course, that did not happen--he was disappointed when I left Yale School of Drama, even if intellectually he understood it was not a productive place. Of course that "safe" vision that he desired of me was sabotaged by his own passion for theater--he started taking me to plays and musicals at a young age, and it was there that i became entranced with the dreamers--the ones always trying to figure things out. His boundaries were perfect---he wanted mine to be the same and when they were not he was very disappointed. So there you go

Wow! That was heavy---well nice to get it off my chest, I guess. Now to return to the "normal" part of my daily life---go to the nearest web site dealing with city happenings, and try to figure that out. Will report soon.

Quite a day.....

 yesterday---it began with a trip to my adult student in Jackson Heights, around 10---a good work session---Jorge, my student's name, is easy to work with and the math problems we encounter are challenging. After that---off to a matinee (I very rarely plan them now) at TFANA---a well known not for profit theater right near Brooklyn Academny of Music. The event was a "Shakespeare workshop" of Henry IV part 1; an event that seemed fascinating in its conception and in my thoughts, but turned out to be viciously incompetent and indulgent. Don't get me started---I could go on forever---but just to throw one annoyance out---total lack of vision from the director (he is somewhat respected) and a cast of actors and actresses, only a few who were competent to perform the material. Still, just from listening, the brilliance of the text---the way it digs into the royal characters and humanizes them is astounding. On Saturday I began to read Marlowe's Tamburlaine in the library---some brilliant stuff in it--but it does not come near the human inciveness that I found in the text of the two  Henrys yesterday. 

Return to tutoring today---have a long week with either two or three daily sessions. The snow canceled my sessions on Saturday---not the greatest---but gave me a chance to go to the Lincoln Center library and begin reading Tamburlaine---very stimulating. Also, that evening---as the cold was subsiding---went to the Geffen lobby where the Philharmonic plays, and watched and listened (for free) to a wonderful performance of Berlioz' Symphony Fantastique, conducted by Herbert Blomstadt. Being able to watch the concert for free in the lobby, while sipping on some coffee (very good, by the way) and sitting by myself, is great---finally a not for profit that gives back to the people of the city, who would prefer this "loose" way of watching a concert, and feel good that they are conserving money.

Last Sunday I did go down to my friend's bar--a nice experience---once agin made to feel very welcome. For tthe pro football playoffs, the place was packed---but somehow did not feel annoyed by that---everyone was very friendly and courteous as we jostled for space. I think the next time I can be there is next Sunday---Superbowl Sunday---the place should be packed again, but I will visit. Actually I will be free much earlier, so may go there right after tutoring; in that case the bar should be far more quiet, as it prepares for the beginning of the game (around 6:30).

In closing I would like to say that yesterday was "momentous"---I left the apartment around 9 in the morning, and did not return until around 7---this is the longest I have been out of the apartment since my illness was diagnosed, and though I was run down by the end, I was able to get through it--might mean I can be a little less "protective" as I plan my outings in the future. 

Early Sunday morning

First "day off, as my student in Jackson Heights has canceled. Nice to have a free morning, but actually enjoy the trip into Queens on the 7, and then the short walk to my student's apartment house. Jackson Heights seems so separate---different from anything in Manhattan. A very nice feeling as I walk through there. So a little less structure, a little more "free time" a little more restlessness as I try to fill up the time. Just finished a long week with about 14 hours----another begins tomorrow. I love the focus that tuturing demands of me---at best times feel very strong and creative while doing it. The rest of my life is more "fill in", you might say---passing the time before I leave for the library in the early afternoon, and then coming back to the apartment and either resting or "chilling" or something else by myself. Could it be better? Possibly.

The plan for today: An afternoon visit to My Brother's Bar---a bar on Avenue C and ninth street, which my friend Bob, has just opened. Hope to just sit there and watch the first playoff game-maybe some good conversation at the bar as well. The bar opened last Saturday, and when I visited on Sunday, Bob was really happy to see me. I think this is finally a place, post pandemic, where I can just "be", that is visit, and if I just want water or a seven up, it will be okay. Still, far away from my apartment, but as we get closer to Spring, and the warmer weather, it should be easier to get there. Looks like the two or three blocks surrounding the bar are quite a "strip' where other bars exist as well. Maybe before I arrive, will wander up and down Avenue C (remember when nobody wanted to go there) and check out the scene.

Reading mostly short stories (nothing special) and the Mike Nichols biography which seems to delve into every nook and cranny of his life. A really high powrered guy, can see my "soft passivity" as no match for him. Can only read one or two chapters at a time, since the events are always so supercharged---need a break from all that aggresiveness.

that is all for now, will report soon.

A long time between posts....

 probably because momentum carries me quickly (not ven sure what that means) at any rate, today is a "free" day, that is no tutoring scheduled, after a grueling four hour session yesterday. Not that I don't like my students, I do, there is something very vital in the work and the commitment now, but it is tiring. Ironically, on a day like this, in which I am totally free, my mind constantly goes over my options---and there are many. Just heard about an interesting new play at Theater For the New City that is inexpensive---might be a choice. On the other hand, I thought about visiting Williamsburg this late-morning-afternoon, and checking out a few eating or coffee  places there, also getting a vibe which is totally different from the upper west side. Then there are a couple of interesting films at the Film Forum that might be worth checking out. Not sure about any of it; will just let the day happen.

My normal day can be divided into three parts. First whatever tasks I have to perform in the morning which could mean laundry picking up medication, a doctor's visit (though not many of them recently) or making a credit card payment at one of my local banks.  Then the waiting---sometimes a blank space as I wait to leave for the library where I tutor. Second, the trip to the library; doing some browsing before my first lesson, and then beginning the tutoring itself. Then it is usually just home, taking it easy and dealing with the fatigue more mental then physical. Then back again the next day. 

Yesterday after my four hours, walked the one block to Broadway and the subway, only to find out the 1, which usually gets me home in about 16 minutes was suspended. Had to get home---but how? Many bus options, finally took the 145 street cross town to Lenox, the last block before the bridge to the Bronx. Original signage said the number 3 train was also suspended then train clock, which I could see from the outside said 14 minutes. Did not want to go down and wait yet, instead just stook at 145 and Lenox and considered my options (again). The time clock went down, possibly the three was not suspended and I could get home that way, but the minutes were slow--so i stood on the corner and just took things in. Really enjoyed that--it happens so rarely since the pandemic started and the illness---just looking at another neighborhood either on the bus or on foot seems fascinating to me. The winter weather was very calm--no wind around, so it was easy to wait and just take the vision of the corner in. Finally the clock wound down, and it seemed that the train might really arrive---soon it did, and it moved easily to 72nd Street. Getting home was not so difficult.

That is all for now---I should write a little more frequently, will try to do so.

Its been two weeks since

 I last published---makes sense, since the two long weekends break up my tutoring structure and create all kinds of conflicting feelings, some of which go away very quickly; some of which don't. No matter, this morning i want to write about my visit to Brooklyn yesterday---the first time in a while when I actually challenged myself to just BE there, without a true destination.

But Brooklyn, or at least Williamsburg and Bushwick, is so different from the upper west side. A sense of easiness---mostly younger people, and more quiet is what I found yesterday. Of course , it was January 1, and I realize that a lot of people in those neighborhoods were "recovering" from the night before. Metropolitan and Grand Avenue, the two main streets of Williamsburg as it moves to the east,  might be very noisy on Saturday evenings. I wonder how that effects the sale of co-ops and luxury apartments that now line those streets. Walking east on Metropolitan, I tried to imagine the last twenty years in the story of that neighborhood. Maybe even twenty fiive. Was there really a time when the streets were dangerous. when mostly working class people lived in those areas?  No high rises, no coffee walk ins, just what...? Walking through those streets, I was both relaxed, but had to accept my role as somone "comfortable" with the changes because they made me feel safer. Anyway, my main destination was the Cobra Club, my old "haunt', but it did not open until 3, and I arrived at Lorimer Street almost at 2. Found the Hungry Ghost coffee place that is near Graham Avenue, had my coffee and read a short story. I like the "Ghost", it is roomy and has good light, and yesterday, as one could imagine, was not very crowded. After I left, I still had some time so I walked south on Graham to Grand Street, and then wandered around Grand and Bushwick Avenue for a while. Pre pandemic and illnes, it would have been nothing for me to walk from Grand and Bushwick to Cobra, but at this point it was better for me to take the L the three stops to Jefferson. Actually four stops, since I stayed on to DeKalb, and walked back to Jefferson, again in an attempt to check out the neighborhood.

Arrived at Cobra, not too crowded---the bartender did not know me, and was a little put off when I simlply asked for a Sprite. His demeanor improved, however, after I tipped him one dollar on the two dollar purchase, and I settled in to watch the end of the Giants slaughter of the Indianapolis Colts. I would say Cobra was moderately crowded, their pool table was busy; I was basically left alone to watch the game--no one started a conversation with me, but it did not matter---I felt at home. Stayed for about an hour--then accepted the fact that I was somewhat tired, and took the L back to Manhattan and then the 3 back to the upper west side. Not much to do in the evening, but enjoy the gratification that I had gotten from going back to Brooklyn, and realizing that possibly this kind of trip would not be so hard to do in the future.

One more day of the holiday weekend---plan to see the Caro-Gottleib movie at Film Forum, maybe stop off at the Drama Bookstore before that. Tomorrow morning next CT scan--we will see what happens...