Strange dreams...

Yes, last night, three of them---stunned by their content. Dream one:  somethinug about a women's prison---some woman in jail for "murder"? Something violent, called to my attention. Dream 2: I am subbing in an all boys class with two floors. One of the students, around 12, seems very brusque and agitated. I separate him from another student and bring him upstairs to a smaller room. I calm him down and observe that he is okay. Then one of the students from the first floor tells me that something is happening there. I get anxious for I have left that part of the class unsupervised. I rush down, looking for trouble as the dream ends. Final dream (3) One of the younger female teachers in the school tells me she has just found an aparment in Park Slope. I know the street; there is a store, or arts venue that I know has just moved to that street---I see the street in my mind--Park Slope with its low lying brownstones. That is it! Why would I have a dream about a woman's prison. Only association that I can make is "anger"---these women in jail have rage inside them; they are trapped---and maybe that is how I feel about my current physical and emotional state. Medical limbo while I take the chemo pills for the next two months, and emotional limbo as I struggle to structure my day and wonder if I can take the risk to be away from the apartment for too long. 

Morning---hot! Going to be hot today. Yesterday I continued reading An American Type, Henry Roth's posthumus sixth novel. Great scene where Ira (the hero and protagonist) takes his wasp girl friend to meet his parents in Brownsville for Shabbas dinner. All goes well---his parents are well behaved---but afterwards he reflects on the miserable marriage that his parents are doomed to live through, and again, on the whole Jewish immigrant experience for Jews who arrived in the first part of the twentieth century  iand the ensuring struggle that shaped their lives.  Menial jobs; minimal pay--a sense of being totally defeated by life. His parents: .A man and a woman who can't stand each other, yet are locked into their destructive  relationship. Economics of the time? Definitely---but what else..? Some insight from reading this into my parents' limitations of vision---even as they were definitely one generation removed from the frightened "green horns" that Roth describes and had a comfortable relationship. What fear...what rage did they carry with them from the past, from the uncertainty of their relatives, who just arrived here,   and rage against "who"?

Have to move to the rest of the day. Come to terms with my life in "limbo". Will report soon.

Another Saturday night and....

 you know how the song goes. Yes, here I am on Saturday night, around 7:30---no appetite--a little bit scared of going to a movie--a little bit tired of listening to baseball games or going on the theater site on Facebook---definitely need a change. Have tried to contact a friend for some advice---no luck yet---at some point I will go out at least for a walk---move around---and maybe then the appetite will arrive.

Yesterday evening walked from my apartment north on Amsterdam---teaming with life int the many restaurants that I passed---to 86th street, then  south on Columbus---more restaurants, including two on 84th street, a little east of Columbus---84th street---remember when that was considered the most dangerous block in the city---sixty years ago--now lined with restaurants and middle class-upper class patrons without a care in the world. How do you process time? Many couples in these restaurants---I would say about 35 per cent older and the rest, young couples. Everyone with someone except me---process that cityboy! Actually I can accept that--not a problem---except sometimes I wonder,,,?

Took out a book of essays today from the library. First one read was from Notes of a Native Son by Baldwin. Could not put it down---great, passionate writing. A few others---one by Mary McCarthy---a little slow, and one by Adrienne Rich---revealing but I had to put it down at the park because my eyes were getting strained. May return to it next reading. Still on my "buddy", Henry Roth's last autobiographical novel. A few dull spots, but mostly interesting---a great description of an uncle--once exciting and jovial; now (late thirties) destoyed by the grind of work---a harsh counterman at an all night cafeteria (yes, they used to have them)  Roth's description gets it so right---captures so carefully the plight of the first generation poor Jew, who arrived  from eastern Europe in the early part of the 20th century, and was econmically beaten down into a harsh, ugly world. 

Could go on further but will stop here---medically moving along with my treatment---nothing new---will report soon.

All alone...with 60 minorleague baseball games,,,

 yes, that is right---I think that through the afternoon and evening, I will be able to look at 60 probably more because some are double headers) baseball games being played in "the bushes". Kept me pretty occupied yesterday and Friday---at first I thought that this would not be a productive idea, but the heat and the fact that all those games could be watched for free, clinched the deal. The result: well, some interesting games yesterday, and a sense of continuity when it comes to knowing the players who make up the teams. Will I continue if I am asked to pay. The cost for the full season is around $25.00, not really expensive, yet some part of me tells me to refuse. Too much distraction. How many hours can I go today...since there are games on from 12:00 to the evening? Can't say---but that Bowie-Erie match up sure seems interesting.

Otherwise just hanging in...completed Major Barbara by Shaw---it gets very talky in the end, but the ideas are still very strong. Must read more Shaw--when I return to the library tomorrow, will try to figure out what next play to choose. Thank heavn for the Lincoln Center Library that has re-opened; finally a place to spend a few hours in the afternoon. Still pretty empty---wonder how long that will go on. Miss the snack bar that was on the first floor; now there is a nice reading space behind the library that was not there before---but no food or drink. Have not tried it yet---too warm, but might soon. Still have not gotten to the rebuilt large library on 5th and 40th. Really want to go there---they are supposed to have really upscaled the place---the old library was very functional---I liked it---but oh, those bathrooms--the worst! That is something to look forward to---I bet that the rebuilt library has bathrooms that are truly usable. Important for me, in my current state---hope to check it out soon.

Not much else---checked out the fifth book in the autobiographical sequence of Henry Roth; this one about him as a young adult, falling in love with the woman who would become his life long partner. Taken from his manuscripts by his very talented editor, who used to hang with me in the late nineties at the All State Cafe. Have read it once a few years ago, but I enjoyed Roth's other autobiographical book in that series so much---found it so completely stimulating--that I really want to get into this one as well.

So Sunday baseball and other stuff begins---will report soon.

a strange time....

Friday morning---heavy heat expected---have to stay cool---some things to take care of, but they don't have to be done today---still i would like to do them--kind of in limbo---the only plan I can come up with is by the early afternoon, to hit the Lincoln Center library and read and browse there for about 2 hours. Much room in that library, andd very cool, as the many people who used it pre pandemic seem not to have discovered it now. After that,  maybe stop off at Spectrum and pay my bill as well---it is right near there. And what about my long lost plans to buy new dungarees and a belt? Well, Target is nearbye---perhaps I will stop in there, but possibly will put that off. Better off at Old Navy, but that is a trip.  

Still have not taken my movie "risk"---not sure of when that will happen---in the meantime i read like a fiend. Yesterday read most of Andre Gregory's autobiography (ironically entitled This is Not a Memoir) It reads well---since I am familiar with most of the theater events he describes, and the people who were part of those events, it is easy for me to relate. How many years of theater memories do I carry with me? My other read is Shaw's Major Barbara, and believe it or not, I have found it to be a brilliant play. Totally timeless, and incredibly sharp. When I finish it, in my mind, I would like to read several more of his plays, particularly the ones I don't know. One of the first "adult" movies that I saw when I was less then 10, was Androcles and the Lion, adopted from the Shaw play. Sterling Holloway played the hopeless Androcles. All I remember is him dancing with the lion, and feeling so "adult", because at that young age, I was in the movie theater all by myself.

The movie theater was called The Globe, and it was about 5 blocks away from my apartment house. How many movies did i see there as a kid...I remember there were Friday afternoons, when I would be finished with school, and my father, who was a school teacher would take me to a double feature that began around 4 P.M. Angels in the Outfield, about my favorite team, the Pittsuburg Pirates, and a Bing Crosby movie that had In the Cool Cool Cool of the Evening---those are two I remember off the bat---yes my chidhood: very relaxed and appreciated--very unstressful and rich in imagination.

So we will leave it at that---still in the apartment---no appetite to speak of, but the day is moving on---will report soon.

Of Mozart and Pete's Candy Store...

  Began the evening, listening to Mozart's Piano Concerto no 12; one I did not feel I was too familiar with. Great music---I am in awe of Mozart's ability---one more of the 21 (not counting the first five) concertos that I want to be familiar with.  So much more of those concertos to listen to---if I wish. Yet when it was over, I went directly to Yelp---to check out the following bars: Sonny's in Red Hook; Freddy's in the south slope, and Pete's Candy Store, in north Williamsburg. They are all open now---what longing---just to be there---to walk in,  hang out, have a converation with a new person---if only it was possible! But isn't it?  Here I sit---in this total limbo world---not sure how far I can go with anything. What issues..? The bag...my energy level---long trips, short trips, does it matter? Willing to spend tonight at home, reading possibly since I have no interest in the all star game...What next...?

something to say....

 so it turned out that the nodule is cancerous, and beginning yesterday, I am taking cancer pills, no infusion, which means I don't have to visit the center on 86 street, and can drink cold drinks. But after three influxes of two pills each, feel a little drowsy---not sure if that is the cause or not.

Overall, though, feeling pretty good. Nice long weekend--on my own, but basically enjoyed it. On Monday afternoon, while reading in Riverside Park, near the apartment, ran into Teddy G, and old friend, a former playwright, and member of Artists in Action, a group that I was part of that was formed to campaign for Walter Mondale, during the 1984 election. You know what happened then, but it was a good group, made up of many of the young New York actors and actresses at that time. No names, now, maybe later, anyway, Teddy and I chatted for about an hour---compared notes, spoke of the current elections, went through the list of old friends---where are they now---you know, the whole thing, and I found myself enjoying the conversation very much. Will I see him again this summer---possibly, he has a summer house in Stockbridge, and is leaving for it soon. But we may have time.

First trip to Lincoln Center Library yesterday---its first day of reopening. Wow! Glad to have it back--its nicely cooled, and I can spend hours there, reading plays or books analyzing Shakespeare's plays, or whatever. Also, there is a nice outdoor reading space that was created for Lincoln Center's re-opening right behind the libaray that was not there before. Too hot to read yesterday---but might be a nice place to read in the future. The library was not very crowded---a kind of a ghost like energy filled the place, those people like myself who returned seemed like phantoms---have been going there since it opened in late 65,  it where my ex wife and I began our first date in late August of 66. Funny how that just came to mind; I was carrying a recording of Cosi Fan Tutti when I met her. But I did not really "learn" the opera until a year later--my "Mozart immersion" spring and summer of 1967. That was also a summer of isolation, per se---but isolation for a twenty three and a half young man, is different then isolation for this person whom I am now. Lots of reading then, too---The Fixer, by Malmud, When She Was Good, Philip Roth's only non Jewish novel, and 36 children, by Herb Kohl, about his experiences teaching fourth grade for a year in Spanish Harlem. Feeling  a sense of "strangeness", I kind of "how did I get here" questioning, going through me at that time. An apartment very much like the one I have now--a studio---only located on Irving Place--and very inexpensive.

Sometimes as I walk the streets of my neighborhood---the upper west side namely the seventies, I ask myself, "when I spent time on these streets in the sixties, could I have imagined what the neighborhood would turn out to be?" The upper west side at that that time was "gritty"---considered by many "dangerous"---attractive to only certain kinds of youn- people---actors, teachers, social workers---that was all---a twenty something in any other profession would have chosen to live on the upper east side---considered safer--friendlier---definitely a place for people with high ambitions. No dealing with brownstones that had become rooming houses that held addicts, or crazies, or prostitution. This was a tough world, and while I would not say one navigated it at one's own risk---there were plenty of safe streets and aveneues--you had to be careful. Now the side streets are placid, the brownstones all safely residential, the welfare hotels (yes, there were many of them) turned into stylish apartment houses---younger people (like my radiologist oncologist)  see the area as a place of wealth. But it evolved, as did my generation, and tbe chaos no longer exists,

Just finished an interesting memoir by Julie Metz called Eve and Eva about her mother---a true "New Yorker" and woman of the world, who was born in Austria, and experienced two years of isolation before she and her Jewish family could emigrate to New York. The Anschluss---brutal. They were lucky to get out. Very well written---not sure what I will read next---another trip to the library soon. 

All for now...next time...?