last night....

a difficult one, to say the least. I returned home around 7, too tired to go and "hang out". I thought that it would be a good time for me to get some sleep---the heat was on and pretty strong---stomach basically full. So what happened? It was hard to sleep--the radiator either became too high, or then, when I turned it off, soon it was needed again. Also, I hoped that I would be contacted by Friends about work tomorrow (today)---that did not happen. No sleep---alone with my thoughts, feelings, hunger, lack of structure---a sense of tremendous isolation. Locked into the behavior that I had insisted upon for myself. No compromises. Nothing concrete except a few sports programs (silly) and maybe some classical music on the radio. And somehow, my body refused to want to go to sleep. So it went. At one point, I went to a cafeteria nearby the only one that is opened late into the evening, to get some tea. The tea was hot and good---Broadway between 78th Street and 76th Street was practically deserted. Since the West Side market has closed---those streets have become a ghost land.
  What next---I sit here in the library---maybe I will be able to go to clubbed thumb reading series tonight---though I don't know if my body can handle it. Tomorrow and Friday I have work at Friends---and ironically just got a request to sub for the first Friday in February. All good.
  So where do we go from here, cityboy. Your vision of life, both the way you present yourself to others and to yourself, is predicated on being independent---you move easily from person to person, and from event to event.. For the most part, it works---as long as you can travel and make visits to your many friends and colleagues in the outside world. But last night you were stuck in a zone that was very difficult. Is there a way to resolve this conflict?
Let's leave it at this now. Some of the frustration is financial---five out of the next scheduled days at Friends, are so far scheduled to be half days. I think it is possible to work through this---will report soon.