FREEDOM!

yes, it is true, for the next two weeks, cityboy is free. How do I feel? Very opened to things--to be frank, I have never felt this sense of "my life is my own" in such a way that I feel now. It is hard to describe in words a feeling of "openness" a sense of just a stream in front of you which one could follow---but that is what it is. I have come to a point of "no commitments" to anyone (at least while the vacation is on), Is this what I always wanted? A life totally my own?  Will it change the late night feelings of loneliness that I sometimes feel when I am awakened from sleep in the early hours in the morning?  Really can't say--it all seems in front of me. In a way, the fact that this was such a good year at Friends is causing all my upbeat feelings. So we just move on, like an arrow---movies, walks, discussions whatever. The city will find me anywhere I want to be in the next two weeks.
   Yesterday, did receive a call from Friends to sub during the day, prior to the Assembly. Really good, a hectic day with one rambunctious seventh grade class and a collaboration with fifth graders ready to leave for the vacation. Not the most sensitive group . But it game me a chance to see many faculty members and students whom I like, and wish them happy holidays. Also, one more day of money from the work, helps.
  What does cityboy want to be?
  Yesterday, fatigue set in as I was leaving Friends, and normally I would have simply returned to the apartment, but at the Whitney, my friend Sybil was having her once every four months solstice pageant, and I had to support her.. I arrived at the Whitney and joined Sybil's world around 4, the sun fully up and the window of the space, facing the Hudson River outside in all its sunlight. I realized that if I remained, I would watch the complete change from the sun in all its glory, to pure darkness in about 40 minutes. Could not believe this would happen, looking at the beautiful picture in front of me, filled with luminous yellow light, but sure enough, in a strange and quiet way, the sun left, and by the time I left Sybil' space, the Hudson was enshrouded in darkness. Have I ever done this before---watched as the light became dark? If I did, I don't specifically remember it. As for Sybil's pageant, it is contemplative and often removed. Arriving from the frenetic world of the school, itsquiet and removed vision was sometimes difficult for me to take. Yet I tried to understand Sybil's way of giving her audience things. Sometimes I marvel at her inventiveness, other times the distancing is difficult for me to handle. But going to her solstice celebrations at the Whitney has become part of my life, and I expect to continue supporting her, as long as she does it. Besides, it is really the only time I visit the far west side of Manhattan around 14th street. That is a trip in itself.
  Speaking of the Whitney, it is possible that I will return there tonight, when they have their free (or by contribution) Friday evenings. As I looked around, yesterday, I saw several exhibit statements that I might possibly like check out. Cannot pay that rediculously expensive (at least for me) fee (18.00) again, so tonight, or the other Friday nights, seem to be the best time to visit there Of course, there is an interesting basketball game at the same time (Nets-Wizards) that it might be fun to check out as well, at one of my many sports bars, but will probably steel myself to go to the Whitney.
 So the holiday approaches, Christmas has always been a kind of difficult day for me, since most places are closed---but this year an enormous amount of movies that I have not seen are playing just about everywhere. Must get some interesting books to "hunker down" with as well. Absorbed in Paul Auster's novel The Palace of Illusions, but should be finished with it soon, Then....