Disappointed....

 Just found out via an e mail, that there will be a gathering in Prospect Park for people interested in the Mayoral race coming up. Would love to go--but my body is very tired. Chemo infusion five days ago--effects are still going on. Can I get up the energy to go there? As of now, "no". But it lasts until 6; maybe I can make it---I would love to discuss city issues especially those around the upcoming Mayoral race---but perhaps not today. But if not today...when?

Memorial day, the beginning of the summer. Still remember the acookouts at South Fourth, every year, and those were followed by cookouts on the 4th of July and finally Labor Day. The whole story of the summer, packed between three cook outs. No longer, since South 4th ceased to exist in 2018. 

Went to Williamsburg on Saturday to see a play at the Brick, written by a friend of mine. The play is full of ideas---but a lot of clashing of styuuldles. Can't really say more. But it was over around 4---I could not get myself simply to return to Manhattan. Felt a tremendous need to walk around---explore the surroundings, where--pre pandemic---I had spent so much time. And so I did.  Took a bus from Metropolitan to Broadway and Lorimer---then walked west, all the way to the river. Thought I might see some of my old friends on the way, but it did not happen. Still, had to see everything--traveled all the blocks by foot---what can you say;;? Still even more luxury building and restaurants. Very tired when it was over, but glad I did it. Yesterday, ttotally exhausted. Stayed around the building. 

Reading tThe Rules of Attraction by Brent Easton Ellis. Really absorbed---first read it about 37 (really that long) years ago. When I saw it in the library where I tutor, I knew that it would get me through the weekend, and it has---kind of fascinated by its style. Anything else? Not at the moment.

So I will spend the rest of the afternoon, trying to figure out if I have the energy to go to Prospect Park to interact with those talking about the Mayoral race. Will I make it? Based on how my body is behaving at this moment, probably not...but might give it a try.....

Five days later...

the library remained closed through the weekend. This left me completely free for three more days---I did not expect this. Again, the irony of my "freedom" has not escaped me. I seem to have gone from one vision of my life to another. Two weeks ago,, I felt trapped by my tutoring schedule---as if it was depriving me of " a real life" But now, with the schedule "decimated", I find "real life" may have brought up two many feelings and choices that I was not ready to make. It does not help that money is tight---I challenge myself to keep all financial choices controlled. But there is something more then that. 

Thursday evening I marshalled all my energy and went off to Bushwick (actually the deeper part of Bushwick) to attend a play at the Bushwick Starr, a theater that I have been visiting and interacting with since about, 2010. Arrived early (the L train moves quickly through Brooklyn) and got a ticket--the play Rheology, was a mixture of real and imagined. A playwright, super attached to his mother, imagines her death, and what he feels will be the devastating effects of her death on his life.All the while his real mother is on stage--she is a physicist and still very vital. For the playwright, however, there is simply obsessive fear. After some dialogue back and forth, her "death" and her messages to him from wherever are simply played out. Some stunning visual effects as well as this content. A play but not a play---the audience really bought into it; I could see during the curtain call that they were extremely moved.But I felt outside of it--as deep as his feelings were, I was not taken in by the way it was presented. Maybe, in part, because it did not represent my final feelings as my own mother was dying. But that is another story. The trip to the theater and back was taxing--had to get off the L at Graham for a pizza slice because I was dying from hunger. Would have liked to hang around and explore Graham further--this would have been easy for me pre pandemic---but simply returned to the L and went home. Not sure if I was more exhausted physically or mentally--the next day I could hardly move--a day of recovery.

Assuming the library re-opens tomorrow, today is the last day of my "freedom". Pretty tired from yesterday's events--a nice party given by one of the teachers at Friends. Will simply "let it happen". Maybe a trip to the Drama Book Store, or even Center for Fiction. Not sure what energy I have. Oh well, will report soon.

Last night at FIlm Forum...

 saw Pavements, a film by Alex Ross Perry--why did I choose to see it?  One of the actors in it, I had  met several yetars ago, and it turns out another was actually a student at Friends until 8th grade---so that was a nice surprise. Tuesday evening at 8:15, did not expect much of a crowd, but space was filled, mostly, or almost completely with 20 or 30 somethings. I felt isolated--like this was definitely not my group.Had I made the wrong choice? But I had to deal with it---I set it up---chose to go----bought my ticket---so what could I do?  The movie was an exclecticl but not real exploration of a nineties group called the Pavements. Young actors, like the two that I knew, acted their older counterparts, but there were interviews with the older band members as well. A real crazy quilt--in spite of my alienation I mostly was stimulated by it--but I left before it was over--the final half hour seemed to simply run in place---repeat what was done before. Walked to the subway on Houston---headed home---"adventure" over.

Yesterday was a strange day---the library where I tutor was closed for two days, and the students that I usually schedule for that day were not able to go to the next closest library. So I was free--just what I was wishing for--but intstead of a feeling of freedom and liberation--felt confused by the lack of structure. It did not help that the infusion that I got last Thursday pulled me down---made me feel tired at certain points. Oh well, it usually takes about a week to let the infusion come down to earth..Today, even as the 145 street library remains closed, at least one student and her mother are meeting me at the library at 161 street--where Saint Nicholas merges and crosses Amsterdam. Was there on Sunday---walking on Amsterdam around there, as opposed to the upper west side where I live was like being in another country. Obviously far more diverse, frenetic dynamic---whatever.

where do we go from here? Body has changed so much in the past five years, but still fantasize the pre pandemic world I inhabited---only to have my body "remind" me that much of it can't happen. Summer is coming, so I will have more free time--lots of reading---continuing going deeper into Shakespeare and his contemporaries among other things. And then there is the government---well we will see.

So where are "we" in this?

 The city is awash in art! How great! But the administration is destroying lives, and bent on doing more. I feel overwhelmed by all the information that I received about what they want to do. But how does it effect me? 

It is like living in a double image. On Broadway near Columbia---people out and about enjoying the great spring weather. Any fear? Any pain? You can't see it, At a diner near 100th street where I stopped for some ice coffee---packed at 11 AM. And you know their prices have gone up. Are these the people suffering? If one does not know anyone laid off or deprived of work because of the startling budget cuts, does it mean it is not happening? I control my income carefully--still I want to spend money to see plays, movies, some operas, etc, Should I do this, or just enjoy reading--the most inexpensive thing I can do--and save my money for a"drastic" future. It's a line--once you cross into one world--the other becomes forgotten. To be excited about the arts, I reject the pain--I forget it. But then I ask? How could this have happened? Sometimes I think this is just a "bad dream" that ends with funding restored. Oh, if only Kamala had won---I could have my arts wonderland  And yet, plays, movie festivals, etc.want money--they are not giving anything away/ 

It is a line. Once you cross it, you forget---at least for now?