time to kill...

 so at a certain moment, everything stops. Sunday morning---all tasks completed---no move to make until about an hour from now. Interesting that when my adult student in Jackson Heights cancels, instead of enjoying the extra time at home, i find a gap in the time which is frustrating. I will probably end up going to my friend Bob's bar on Avenue C and ninth and watching some of the Knick-Cavalier playoff game. After that....who knows---I would like to make a trip to Brooklyn---at BAM there is one movie---called A Thousand and One Ways, which is in the last week of its theater run. I would really like to see it---I think today is my only possible day to do that. But will I...?

Its been a busy week with not much time allowed for outside activity. On Wednesday I found out that the doctors who are working with me do feel that more medication is needed to combat my illness. So in two weeks a new infusion will be added to the one I already have, and I will also, I think continue with the chemo pills. No real problem for me, at this point, my body feels incredibly strong and with a week and a half to go, I don't think anything will change. I am assuming that this new drug will not change anything---May is going to be a very busy month for me---at least two plays I must see---some more I would like to, the tutoring continues and on the 20th the Friends reunion---something that I am really looking forward to. Last year's was not as well attended as I would have expected---so I am hoping that this year there is really a large group---it is the 10th anniversary for the class of 13; a class I really felt close to. I don't want any obstructions to my enjoying that---I am making that clear to the new infusion.

Last night had some choices---in light of my energy level around 6, I chose to go to the movies at Lincoln Center and see Twilight---a Hungarian movie made in the early seventies---about a detective's obsessive search for a child murderer. Very bleak and determined---slow moving---lots of rain---almost no sunlight. The people in the movie are sad and alone---extremely isolated---I absorbed that as I was watching the movie. I left the theater and went to David Geffen hall lobby and tried to watch some of the Philharmonic Concert on their large lobby screen, but tired easily and headed home. It also did not help that the work I was watching was a Bartok piano concerto, which did not stimulate me. Would have liked to stay around for the piece after intermission---the Jupiter Symphony by Mozart, but that did not happen. I needed to get home and rest. 

So I wait for the next hour and it is time to make my move---will take it easy, I suppose until then. 

So on Sunday I saw Fiddler...

 at Friends Seminary---I have to admit I was awed by its execution. Steve the director, seems to have an incredible rapport with his students---everyone was on target--also a remarkable small orchestra and orchestrations that were totally in keeping with the vision of the piece. Steve has a great group of student actors around him--many are juniors or sophmores, so he can work with them for another year or so. Could be lots of meaningful theater at Friends Seminary.

But what did the whole experience--so overwhelming---mean to me? The original musical came at such an important moment of change in my life---three weeks before I saw it for the first time, my parents and I had to admit that my matriculation at Yale School of Drama was failing---I would be forced to take a new path.--enter the "real" and, like so many others of my generation deal with the draft. But watching this production---so spot on--I realized that not just Robbins, who invented Fiddler's vision, but also Bock, Harnick and Stein, were somehow galvanized into writing music and lyrics that were so honest in creating the world of Anatevka. Then of course, my complete interest into the life and work of Robbins---trying to put together the enormous contradictions of his art and personality. Many people he dealt with had "problems" with him ("problems" is a very polite way of putting it), but. as I watched Fiddler's opening procession---so real and potent---I remember what his scene designer, Boris Aronson said something like "when he creates something like that I forgive him everything" So my fascination and memory and attempt to understand his work continues---at 14 I felt I was defined by West Side Story, do I still feel that way? And if so, what has it given me?

In the program, the director says working on the musical brought forth a lot of discussions from the students on the different issuues that the musical brings up. I would have like to have sat in on those discussions---also wder if I could have added some important information on my own. But that is not happening now---and I wonder if I was still very active at Friends, would my input be wanted. This brings us to another aspect of my situation there--have not solved the "work" problem. but should be able to enjoy the next alumni reunion which happens in about five weeks. Who am I in that world? 

So enough of this---much more to express at future times. Tutoring continues---the next two weeks should be very full as the state wide math exams for grades 3 to 8---can I get to see some plays, movies or friends? We shall see.

so a week later.....

 Early morning---time has stopped. Slept all night---starting at around 7. Why? Maybe it is the Avistan . treatments---I had an infusion on Thursday that might be inducing this.  Hard to tell  anyway,  the body was up and going to the all night grocery store on 72nd and West End, around 5:20. No more rest---but lots of time to kill before leaving for the library on Saint Nicholas and 160 street around 10. What happens now?

Yesterday two tutoring sessions---felt very  creative and strong---one of the students is home schooled, and his math visions are very chaotic---no structure---needed a lot of input. The other a student whom I worked with last year who had to finish a vacation packet. He is also a little lost---sometimes had to give hm the answer, rather then explain and lead him to discovering it on his own. But I felt a strong feeling of accomplishment when I left. Then I visited with my niece Natalie---she lives in LA but she and her husband were attending a wedding of one of his friends, so they were in for the weekend.They were staying a block away from me.  Natalie and I always have great rapport---an easy energy when we are together---which, since she lives in LA, is not very often. May see her one more time before she leaves---maybe tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I am on the wait list for the Friends upper school musical of the spring---Fiddler on the Roof. Hope to get in---will be really sorry if I don't. Sixteen years ago, about at this time, Friends did Fiddler--I remember it well---2007 was the first year I was at Friends practically all the time.Then it was performed in the Friends meeting house, lots of seats---now it is at the Vineyard---maybe more professional but harder to get into. Will I make it? Might even stand if I have to---somewhat anxious to see how the whole thing turns out--this group of students seem a long way from the Shetl that Fiddler lives in. So it will be interesting to see how it mixes. 

Speaking of Fiddler, I saw it three times in its first year on Broadway: 64-65--the year, you might say, I was "exelled from paradise" that is the year that I was very unhappy at Grad School and had to face the fact that once the year was over, and I was not invited back--I really did not want to go back_--I would have to find work to support myself. It also meant dealing with the diillusionment of my parents---especially my father---who had staked their vision on my getting an MFA at Yale. But the whole thing was a joke! The Drama school at that time was hideous---it was to change radically two years later---still, i navigated that year with a sense of bewilderment and sadness--separating from the community I was very tight with at Hopkins did not help either. When it was over, I arrived, confused, ..at the beginning of my adulthood. Everything changed in many ways, but my family and the apartment in the Bronx where I was raised, was no longer a place to "protect" me.

Strange memories--they come back and sometimes dialogue with me---especially in those early morning hours before I can get anything going. Well, wish me luck about tomorrow--will report soon.

killing time....

between 8:10 and a quarter to nine, when I leave to make a deposit in my bank near Union Square. Then off to 122nd and 3rd avenue to pick up the most recent medical supplies for my illness. 

Here is a brief account of the lasts few days:

Sunday: checked in at my friend Bob's bar on ninth and C, watched some baseball,had a salad, then walked north into Stuyvesant Town---took a walk through Stuytown---had never done that before; found it very pleasant---managed to walk with no tiredness up to 23rd and 3rd---showed me that I had a lot of stamina; maybe my longest walk in quite a while.

Monday: allowed myself to be scammed over the telephone by someone impersonating a bank representative from one of my bank's fraud department. He had some information that seemed valid, so I fell for it, and gave hime a good deal of my important identity information. As I had caught on to the scam after a few hours the next day I went to my bank and changed some cards. No results so far---nothing taken from me that i notice---but I suppose must wait it out---see how the bank changes take hold, and make sure nothing else is taken.

Tuesday---contination of Monday's travails; tutoring in the afternoon---a good conversation with my friend Bob who lives in DC that evenig.

Wednesday---kept cool in the morning to prepare for the evenings outing; Passover Seder with my cousins on Park Place in Prospect Heights. I have been coming to these Seders for about thirty years now---quite an amazing fact. When I started coming, my cousin Kayla had no children---present at today's celebration were how two daughters now in their twenties. Both brought friends, about the same age, so the conversation was really interesting. Felt it was a very valuable time.

Yesterday---just tutored--not much else--returned to the apartment tired, as usual, and simply stayed around the apartment until I feel asleep.

Today---after my two tasks described above---more tutoring---probably will not get out much after that but one never knows. So far behind on my play going---or even movie going--still at least three, maybe four friends whom I have not seen in a long time in plays running now. Might catch one on Sunday. Its frustrating not to be able to see all that I want to because I am so tired after the tutoring, but maybe that is really the way I want it. Lots of energy in the morning---like now--but pretty tired in the evening.

And so it goes---reading a book devoted to the character of Blanche Du Bois, and several actresses who have played the role. Enjoying it. Lets see what the weekend brings....