trying to come to terms with canceling...

the colonoscopy again! This time by my own hand. Well, it had to be. Spoke to a friend at 6, who helped me prepare the mixture---then felt rootless and alone---too tired to go down to La Flaca, instead spent a decent but uninspiring time at the 106th street Dive---a cruddy grilled cheese sandwich did not help. Still, I like the place---came home---made a few phone calls and texts---only got one back which was encouraging---then got some sleep but by early morning was determined to not go through with the procedure. This was about 1:30. then around 4, awoke again feeling incredibly anxious. Did not know whee to turn---thought that NYC well might help me, really did not believe they would have a counselor available, but believe it or not---they did. She was very sympathetic---listened carefully to my conflicts, and though she somewhat pointed me towards continuing with the process, did not pressure me in any way. Spoke to her for an hour---felt much better when it was over, and then  decided to end the prep. Simply could not deal with being enclosed in the apartment all day. Somehow all the statements from others about how "easy" the whole experience is, means nothing to me. Finally at 6:30 went out for coffee, had some milk with my coffee which means that I 'pulled the plug" ---and the added a cheese danish to it, just to make sure I was disqualifying myself from the procedure. At 8, called up the hospital and canceled.

Will I ever do it? Who knows---what I learned from this is that the night before the day before I should surround myself with friends---no alienation at that time, and then take it from there. Lots of people want to give me support but--well, we will see. Anyway, now to focus on the week ahead!

On a different note--Jo Sullivan, the widow of the great composer-lyricist Frank Loesser has died.
I remember her so vividly as Amy (Rosabella) in The Most Happy Fella. Two great performances that I have never forgotten, playing off Art Lund (Joe) and Richard Torigi (Tony, the main character)
The two were exactly a year apart, the first at the Imperial and the second at the end of the musical's run at the Broadway. In a way, Most Happy Fella is my favorite of the "golden age musicals"---it probably would have run longer if My Fair Lady hadn't opened a few months earlier. Those two performances---they really stick in my mind, were great experiences.

So those were the choices I made---we will see how they play out.

where are we,,....?

Saturday early afternoon----long and hard week---4 days at Friends, including one that did not end until 6, and then the spring concert which lasted until about 8:20. Still, it was a terrific concert; some students doing things that I had never seen before from them. Upper school choirs both superb and inventive, and the orchestra never sounded better. Tired when I left, but gland I attended. Got very little sleep and then back to Friend for an 8:15 class. Yesterday kind of crazy, both emotionally and physically. Some of the stomach problems, leading up to the (possible) colonoscopy on Tuesday were pretty intense yesterday. Much calmer today.
   Colonoscopy scheduled for Tuesday, already had to cancel some possible sessions and a day at Friends. Still, I would like to know what is going on down there. Expected to be contacted by the hospital for confirmation of time and place on Tuesday yesterday but did not happen. Is it possible, the appointment (made by phone) never was processed? Will explore more Monday morning---it may mean going to Saint Lukes---Mount Sinai and checking it out there. While I am supposed to be fasting for the procedure the next day. Came back strong today---of course the "thing" inside me insists that it is possible to wait. But is it?  All these questions have to be answered; not much I can do but wait it out.
  Will have free time tonight---where and what? Would love to go out to Target Margin in Sunset Park and see their project---this would be the last chance for me to do this, but might be too tired. Plenty to do in Manhattan---so many choices---enough sports to keep me occupied, if at the right place as well.
It all depends on my "energy" factor when the sessions are over. Will report soon.

cheking in...

a long stretch, cityboy has been working at Friends almost every day. Today is service day at Friends, so there was no work for me; my first day off in six days, with three more to go. Should be a happy day, but last night the stomach was giving me fits--one week until the next scheduled colonoscopy. Should do it---still lots of feelings around the day before. I have built my life on being "single" and very self sufficient---no one person to be extremely close to. That has worked well for me, but in this case, it forces me to go through the day before--a scary day, when I don't know what will happen---by myself. Can I do it? Well, I can give it a try. No deux ex machina in the form of rescheduling here. As we get closer to it, we will see how feelings evolve. In the meantime, three more days of work, including Thursday, when I will be at Friends, practically the whole day. Let's see what happens.
   Not much else to report--I usually return home from subbing and the sessions in a tired state. Last Saturday saw the movie called Long Day's Journey Into Night, a meticulous chinese film, that lost me about half way in. So I left---I just could not get into the journey of the protagonist. Did not matter, though since being there was what I needed. Some other interesting projects exist, but I wonder, until the procedure ends, will I be able to process them. Today would have been a good day to check out a play---but I am tired, probably will go home after two sessions and go to sleep.

the voyage of cityboy...

Yesterday---walked, walked walked. Where, well the first walk was the most interesting. Had a whim to see the Yankee game about 12;20--jumped on the D, thinking that there would be time to get a ticket and enter the ball park. Instead, when I arrived, long lines getting in--lots of security checking---I thought that even if I got a ticket I would miss the first half hour of the game. Forgot about it. but there I was in the Bronx. So I decided to walk. Followed Jerome north to 167 the street, the glamor of the stadium soon fades, and by 167 and Jerome, one feels one is in a very poor neighborhood. Nothing like that in all of Manhattan and even in the integrated sections of Brooklyn that I freqently go to. How do describe poverty? Just a sense of a very different community--no places to go into--lots of phone places, small Chinese take outs, and bodegas. Stayed on 167th to the Grand Concourse, then over briefly to the museum a few blocks south, and then east (driven east by curiosity) on 165th. Passed Sheridan, Sherman, Grand, to Morris---all the same---finally on Morris, waited for the bus, and when it did not come walked to 161street where a 6 bus came that I took into Manhattan. Just a community trying to fend for itself---sometimes families, sometimes churches---just a strange place.
Of course, all this juxtaposed with my "past"---the first twenty one years of my life when I could have visited any one of those apartment houses to hang out with people very much like myself. Where did it go? Well, you know---we were born to take one step further than our parents, and at that point, it was not to difficult. And we bequeathed the neighborhood, the art deco houses etc to ...? Its over 50 years later, cityboy  come to terms with it.
  The other walk was after hanging out at La Flaca---touring the once heavily hispanic but now heavily "millenial" lower east side, looking in at all the bars and restaurants that seem to come in every day.  And more luxury housing--more and more of it. Is that the story of the city today..? Displacement?  Still, plenty of places for cityboy to go and have a beer, if his stomach approves.
 That is all for now---work continues, will report soon.

another day, another morning...

at the library. Another night just coming home from my one session very tired, so skipped the idea of doing something afterwards and went to sleep. Spent the rest of the night up and then sleeping again, today pretty full of energy. Now, another night looms after a few sessions. How will I be? Can I finally do something. Have not seen my friend Mel, who works at Lansdowne Road in a long time. Would like to check in with her. Well, we will see what happens.
  Yesterday, just by accident, stumbled across a demonstration of Uta Hagen's acting technique, taught by one of her former students, now a revered teacher herself. Two students did a scene adapted from a Chekhov short story---she made some adjustments, the scene improved. I watched---sort of realized the same thing the teacher did---well I guess I know my stuff. Still not really interested in teaching---not that anyone has asked me to do it--so let's leave it. Reminds me of the summer of 77, when I sat in on a lot of classes at a Berghof---you can do that there. Not sure what i learned from them--I was still 5 years away from starting my own life as a theater person. Felt a little bit outside of things. I think at that time I was still forming myself---I was about to turn 34---kind of late, I know, but had to be done.
    So life goes on--next week will be a full week at Friends, even beginning on Friday and Saturday morning as I chaperone the debate team. Will report soon.

Tuesday morning....

only one session today and it is later. Lots of time. Had a rough night last night with the stomach, but things are better now, and my body feels pretty good. What will I do this evening, if I am not too tired? Could go out to Williamsburg (have not traversed the streets of the south side in a long while)  and see if I could find some of my South fourth buddies, who apparently hang out at the bar on South SIxth (blocking the name). They have always treated me very nice there. Other possibilities, maybe touch base with my friend Mel, who waitresses at Lansdowne Road. It would be nice to see her again. Other possibilities---well you know, don't really have to go into them. Sort of would like to just find a place where I could watch the Minnesota-Met game and a few others and be done with it. Well, let's see what happens.
 Not much else to say...will report soon...

crazy day (but what day isn't?)

just got a call to sub at Friends for one period this afternoon---so why not? Expected a "quiet" day---with just one session. Now the session is pushed back and things will be a little more intense.
  Interesting weekend--two visits to Brooklyn since the last post. Saturday night attended fund raiser-party at Uprose on 22nd street which is in southern Park Slope. Interesting walk from 4th and 9th to 4th and 22nd. Fascinating to compare the high rises that now almost dominate the streets with the small antique buildings that are sometimes right next to them. Realized how much I enjoy just walking in Brooklyn. The party was fun---spent about 2 hours there---had some interesting conversations with other BAN members--good to touch base. Left "early" you might say, but was tired from the three sessions and the work of the day before.
  Yesterday, went out to Cobra to watch some of the Yankee game---left after about 4 innings with the Yankees comfortably ahead. Plan was to get to another fund raiser--this one for social justice group in Kentucky---that was on 15th street in the slope. But how? Walked through the Bushwick grid, from Hart and Wycoff to DeKalb and Broadway. Thought that then I would grab the DeKalb bus, it runs pretty often, and take it to where I could get the G at Nostrand Avenue. But the bus was slow so I walked through Bed-Stuy via DeKalb, all the way from Broadway to Nostrand---was not too difficult, past the projects through the streets with the new buildings, watching gentrification in action. Finally got the G and took it to 9th and 7th avenue in the Slope. From there I walked the 6 blocks to the house that the fundraiser was taking place in.
  This was for a social justice group that works with poor and disenfranchised people in Kentucky,  My cousin Liz, who a lawyer in Kentucky, had a friend who was sponsoring the fund raiser. Interesting to watch a fund raiser for social justice in a different state. Glad that I went---left and walked a bit through this now very wealthy part of the slope. But was tired, did not want to continue the day out, and too the G,A, and 1 home.
  Kind of relaxed today, did not expect a call from Friends, so this makes the day a little more frenetic. May simply be tired after the session in Washington Heights. Not sure about the evening, will report soon.

like a proper deus ex machina...

the phone rang Friday afternoon with the news that my Tuesday colonoscopy date was canceled by the doctor. I rescheduled for three weeks following (the 30th) but will I really be able to do it. As the day approached, a feeling of dread came over me---the change relieved that, but I still have a date for the procedure. It is the day before that bothers me---cannot seem to get through the fact that I have no volition and that I must follow a certain procedure. Also, what happens once one takes the potion (Liquid)? I need someone to help me with this---to put a human face on it. Well, I have three weeks to work it through---meanwhile let's see what happens with the stomach problems (still present). Why is not there another way of exploring this problem? I guess there is not. Well, let's see what happens.
  Yesterday, called to work at Friends at 9:50--hardly expected to take off and get there in a half an hour---but that is what I am an expert in. That means three days of work this week. Lots of work scheduled for the two weeks beginning the 15th and some possible chaperoning of the debate squad before that. Looks good.
  No artistic events to report, but I am going to a BAN party this evening---should be fun and interesting. Tomorrow, another party for a social justice group in Appalachia Kentucky; have an invite although I don't know anyone involved. May check it out.
  Much relieved that the colonoscopy is not this Tuesday, still have to deal with the discomfort and its attributes. Will post soon.

interesting day yesterday...

subbed a long day at Friends, then went home, rested, but had enough stamina to attend the BAN meeting in the evening. Glad I did---a vital and responsive group, mostly planning a party to be held on Saturday night in Sunset Park--I plan to go.
Odd day yesterday re my stomach-----things seemed blocked until the early morning then relief, but a lot of cramps. The day gets closer and closer--I still function at a very strong level but the discomfort seems to be building--appetite seems to be lessening. Two session today, then probably home to make some important phone calls to friends.
Will have to tell my friend and classmate Jeff that I am definitely not attending the Hopkins reunion dinner on Saturday. Very sad about this, really wanted to do it and see my classmates---the interaction would have been interesting, also there was a Barnstormers (the Hopkins theater group that was so important to me in my senior year) 100th anniversary luncheon that I wanted to attend---that won't happen now as well. The way things are with my stomach I just think it would be to difficult to make the trip. I also should find out about what to do about my Amtrak ticktets which I have already bought.I don't think I can get a refund but possibly change them for a later date. We will see.
  Sad not to return to Baltimore---always like to go there, well maybe later in the summer for a more extended visit.
 Return to Friends tomorrow---after that---stay tuned.

countdown....

to April 9 at 9:30, the date and time of my first colonoscopy. Things are rounding into place---my friend Tom K said that he would be my escort after the procedure---that is good. More and more coming to accept the fact that it is happening---but still feel a kind of resistance. Never had one before---what does that mean?  Nothing else to do but take it day by day---the more time that I spend on concrete things (conversations with others, for instance) the better it is, the more my "real life" remains in focus. That is what, I hope get me through.
  Yesterday, went to Cobra in the morning-afternoon, glad that I did, had some good conversations which took my mind off the stomach problems. Then to the Film Forum to see Roll, Red, Roll, a tough documentary about the Steubenville football team and two of its leaders who were found guilty of rape in 2013. I had wanted to see it---this was really my only chance--so I am glad that I did. Expected a little more---not sure what, but the movie was certainly very informative. Then tired, so returned home to find the Yankee game, that I was sure was called off due to rain, being played. Odd.
 Rest of the weekend included Life Sucks, a play by the playwright who adopted Chekhov's The Seagull into a modern play with great strength. Unfortunately, this take on Uncle Vanya, another great Chekhov play,  was very obvious and obnoxious and did not fill in the character blanks appropriately.
I left after the first break---the second play in the week that I did not remain until the end. Had two pizza slices at two different east village pizza places on the way home, both good, but maybe that is why my stomach was so difficult on Saturday afternoon and evening.Interesting wandering through the east village on a Friday night---crowded, as if you did not know. Not much else to say.
 On Thursday attended the movie that my friend Lucy had a major role in--it was at the New Directors-New Films event at Lincoln Center. Called the Plagiarists---it was about a young couple (white) who spend the evening, when their car breaks down, hosted by a black middle aged musician. Lots of possibilities but not much explored. Lucy plays a bright, somewhat ambitious would be novelist who is living with an obnoxious camera man. Why she stays with him is hard to say--the movie hints that she may be unhappy in the relationship---but nothing happens. It ends with a letter to Lucy's character voiced over by a friend of hers. Strange ending---the movie was interesting but I don't know if I was curating a New directors-new films festival, I would have included it.
  Tomorrow a full day at Friends, only day of the week so far. Had to give up another day next week because of the colonoscopy. That is all for now, will report soon.